Hmmmm...
To give you an idea of mental state, I had my acting class today. As I was reading your piece, I got thinking. So while this critique might be rather critical, I hope it's at least descriptive and helpful. Smack me if I get prescriptive, but I just will go and retell an anecdote. That's not prescriptive, right?
Short version: You're better with showing Shandi fixing stuff than practically everything else. To which I mean that those sections are the strongest prose, as they were in the last section. Criticism? A lot of parts were telly and displayed redundant information. Redundancy is your worst enemy in short stories, because well, we
just read the other part a minute ago. It told the same redundant information. ...Yes, I'm trying to work in the word "redundant" another time for effect.
Redundancy of redundantness!
Silliness aside, the other major problem I had was your entire segment with the
Phyllis Brown. Act 3 of a short story is a special place, and it felt weird to introduce an entirely new set of characters who really don't add anything to your Hmmmm...
To give you an idea of mental state, I had my acting class today. As I was reading your piece, I got thinking. So while this critique might be rather critical, I hope it's at least descriptive and helpful. Smack me if I get prescriptive, but I just will go and retell an anecdote. That's not prescriptive, right?
Short version: You're better with showing Shandi fixing stuff than practically everything else. To which I mean that those sections are the strongest prose, as they were in the last section. Criticism? A lot of parts were telly and displayed redundant information. Redundancy is your worst enemy in short stories, because well, we
just read the other part a minute ago. It told the same redundant information. ...Yes, I'm trying to work in the word "redundant" another time for effect.
Redundancy of redundantness!
Silliness aside, the other major problem I had was your entire segment with the
Phyllis Brown. Act 3 of a short story is a special place, and it felt weird to introduce an entirely new set of characters who really don't add anything to your establishment. You could accomplish all that in a single paragraph of Shandi dazed, seeing the ship landing on the moonlet. Ultimately, all the Phyllis Brown does is save them; that's its only plot purpose. It's weak for an ending. We have no emotional attachment to these people, just Shandi and Jerran. The ending would only work if you wove the Captain and the Shandi plot concurrently, and I don't think that would work effectively.
You also aren't particularly good with technobabble. (Also note, I spent four hours today reading TVtropes wiki, so I may be unfairly vicious in this regard, too) It seemed like it came out of thin air. ...which is kind of the
definition of technobabble, but my personal tastes in an Act 3 is a reveal. Your story is held up, seemingly, from the pure awesomeness of Shandi fixing stuff and the conflict between Shandi and Jerran. These are your pillars. Use them
Weave them together and make a satisfying final act.
You have excellent building blocks to make a sweet story. Refine them and make it as awesome as it can be! I can't emphasize that enough, the part of the excellent building blocks. It feels like I'm being so critical, but I really don't want you to throw the whole thing away.
Time to wrap things up! I shall end on a nitpicky note, to give that bittersweet aftertaste in your mouth, I suppose. Basically, these are line comments, mostly commenting on telliness which should be axed:
This line really struck me as plain
off. Which reminds me, a lot of the telly parts ruin the parts which should strike a chord (note to self: tell that anecdote).
At the moment she didn’t care if Jerran was dying or not, he would answer for what he had done.
Also telly:
She glared at him, waiting for some kind of response,
Yeah, we know she's waiting. The fact that she's paused is usually an indicator of that.
Jerran cried out in pain and went limp but she didn’t care.
Not quite sure why I reacted negatively against this one. Perhaps it's mixing a snapshot (showing what's happening) and a thoughtshot (showing internal feelings/thoughts) in the same sentence, which doesn't feel like a logical transition. On the other hand, it seems slightly telly, but I'm not sure why.
All of a sudden the rage and fear found an outlet in tears.
We're not close to Shandi here. You are telling us, on a high level, what the emotions are instead of illustrating them.
feeling an overwhelming flood of revulsion for him- the man responsible.
Same sort of telliness, but at the same time, the readers have figured out he's the dude who is responsible. Cut that phrase or have Shandi actively react against it. As it is, you aren't adding anything new.
Now he looked at her.
The "now" feels superfluous.
Shandi had discovered the unpleasantness of their food long ago, and managed to choke her portion down with a minimum of gag reflex.
The first clause is telly, the second clause is showy.
Conversely, I really like this:
In fact, the heavy damage appeared to have been confined to one corner. She thought, looking at what was left. She hadn’t lied when she said she wasn’t an engineer, but she had taken some advanced electrical courses while still in school. It paid to be able to repair your own tools.
While
sort of telly, it also lets you display character. New information we didn't know before. This makes it a lot better, and is fairly acceptable in the short story genre, I think. People should know important things right off the bat, and this one gives us a window into her state of mind. Or at least, justification.
We transition into the technobabble moment!
Yeah. But it’s the signal itself. You know, the programming bit that tells people who we are and sends a traceable signal.
This threw me out of the story. Anyone who has used Wi-Fi
ever (or used a cell phone) can figure out what a signal is.
Aha, I see where you were going with the signal. People can probably figure it out without that telly portion earlier. (Note these line comments were made in chronological order of reading)
Okay, I would close, but as I said, I went to acting today, so there's an applicable anecdote. I, however, must sleep. So you'll get it... later. Bug me if I forget, okay?