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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Warbreaker: Free Ebook
« on: March 01, 2007, 06:30:22 AM »
I know it was mentioned but
But I do feel that the beginning here is a little formulaic -- the heroine is a great learner at breath. I think that may slightly go against your rules of magic -- I'd expect vivena to have mental blocks -- not great learner -- only explanation is that it has a link to her hair.
I also find something jarring about how Vasher looks at how well Vivena and then jumps into "Even as he watched" Maybe a "yet as he watched" would be less jarring"
If you wish to state it in less words maybe you could take the next paragraph and merge them
Setting off prearranged commands with a few taps, he lowered himself back down. Unknowingly, Vivenna turned her back to him again as she picked up another colored swatch to use as fuel when she Awakened her cup-fetching ribbon.
I think that you ought to have a special font/style for Nightblade -- so that I don't think somebody elses thoughts -- here Vivena's are Nightblade's thoughts.
HA I WAS RIGHT
I definately think that the word format is jarring and my tiredness doesn't help, but for a draft it's quite good. I've seen final copies of your collegues works that weren't as well crafted despite their loftier reputation.
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Even as she watched, she got it wrong. The cloth wiggled across the room, butI think you meant to say "as he watched"
But I do feel that the beginning here is a little formulaic -- the heroine is a great learner at breath. I think that may slightly go against your rules of magic -- I'd expect vivena to have mental blocks -- not great learner -- only explanation is that it has a link to her hair.
I also find something jarring about how Vasher looks at how well Vivena and then jumps into "Even as he watched" Maybe a "yet as he watched" would be less jarring"
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Of course, the mechanics of how he moved about on the ropes were far more complicated than they seemed. His Command incorporated making the rope respond to taps of his finger along its length. One had to get it just right when one spoke it, because once an Awakening happened, no further Command could be given. Awakening was different from creating a Lifeless--they had brains, and could interpret Commands and requests. The rope had none of that; it could only act on its original instructions.that line feels like you really want to catch up on explanations of the magic system and either needs to be earlier or assumed IMNSHO
If you wish to state it in less words maybe you could take the next paragraph and merge them
Setting off prearranged commands with a few taps, he lowered himself back down. Unknowingly, Vivenna turned her back to him again as she picked up another colored swatch to use as fuel when she Awakened her cup-fetching ribbon.
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You can’t tell, Vasher replied.In my tired state I read it as a question, maybe if Vasher had told the blade not to be silly or something it would have been clearer, or maybe I should go to bed.
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What does it matter if he sees me practicing? she thought, flushing. It’s not like I have anything to hide.There is no pause between these thoughts and that makes it incongruous.
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I’ve tried other leads, but the truth is that most everything I try seems a step behind Denth.seems is a weak word.
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She still mulled over their conversation about Awakening. Less because of what he’d said. More because of the way he’d said it.again maybe it's that I'm tired but the period between said and more seemed wrong Maybe a semicolon will work.
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However, she was beginning to suspect that it was the light.I thought for a second I missed something about a mystic light -- perhaps you meant city's light?
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They left behind places with street lights, and even lit windows, moving into the slums.probably the places with street. . . is stronger.
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Two guards,” Vasher said. “Both silenced.”silenced sounds like a euphamism for killed more than knocked out.
I think that you ought to have a special font/style for Nightblade -- so that I don't think somebody elses thoughts -- here Vivena's are Nightblade's thoughts.
HA I WAS RIGHT
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quietly apologizing to each onelife giving -- not animating!
I definately think that the word format is jarring and my tiredness doesn't help, but for a draft it's quite good. I've seen final copies of your collegues works that weren't as well crafted despite their loftier reputation.