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Messages - jwdenzel

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31
Reading Excuses / How to get your stuff read by Brandon Sanderson, and possibly Tor Books
« on: April 01, 2009, 06:55:20 PM »
All,

As many of you know, I'm the webmaster over at Dragonmount.com, one of the large WHEEL OF TIME fan sites.  I'm in frequent communication with Brandon Sanderson -- we talk about once a month on the phone. 

So the other day I mentioned to him that I've been involved in Reading Excuses and he was thrilled to hear its going well.   He expressed some interest in reading the best we have to offer. So we came up with a plan.

We need to pick 5 submissions from what has been submitted so far, and send them over to him.  He'll read them all, and then at the JordanCon convention in mid-April, he'll give the best one to Tom Doherty (the president of Tor) to read with his personal recommendation.

Submission Criteria:
- Must have already been submitted and reviewed by RE members
- Must be the fantasy or sci-fi genre
- 3500 word limit
- It has to be polished.  Free of typos, etc.   
- A 1-page synopsis of the entire novel has to be included.

It's up to us to choose the 5.  Our deadline to decide and get the submissions to Brandon is in one week:  April 8. What do you guys think?

(As a starting point, I'll nominate one of Reave's Crystalheart chapters, as well as one of Hamster's Soul Taker chapters. Thoughts?

32
Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: April 01, 2009, 05:44:34 PM »
Hello Renoard,

Welcome to the madness. :)

33
Reading Excuses / Re: 3 - 23 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 4 - Ch. 5
« on: March 30, 2009, 09:46:45 PM »
I sent it out this morning. Did you not receive it? Again... lol)

I'll resend to you to make sure
J

34
Reading Excuses / Re: 3 - 23 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 4 - Ch. 5
« on: March 30, 2009, 05:15:58 PM »
Thank you, Ryos for your excellent feedback.  I start with the narrator again in chapter 6, and am hoping we can discuss this more in that thread.  I look forward to your comments on the matter.

Quote
It reminded me of the children's book "Are You My Mommy?".

I'm glad you picked up on this. :)  I have two little kids whom I read books to each night. I was definitely "inspired" by a similar story to the one you mentioned.  I wanted to convey Spectre as infantile in some ways.  Also, the search for a master is (as I am now discovering) one of the themes of the book.   Lots of people seeking their mommies. ;)


Reaves... thanks for your feedback and kind words.  :)  Oddly enough, when I wrote these chapters, I hated them, but they grew on me much later on.  So I'm glad you enjoyed them so much.

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I want that sword.

Funny you should mention that...

Last year I filmed a short movie called "Spectre".  (www.spectre-movie.com) Yes, it's the same Spectre we're talking about, although there are no Seven Islands, no Nola, Aric, or King.   (I wrote the movie plot long before I got going on this plot, so they don't really match up).

Anway, I had the sword custom designed. It's available for order from this website. :)   (And no, that's not me in the photos)

J

35
Reading Excuses / 3-30- 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 6 - Ch. 7
« on: March 30, 2009, 05:00:06 PM »
Thanks again for reading.  The story is returning to Aric again.

There has been some discussion in previous threads for this story that the narrator isn't really working.  That's excellent feedback, and I appreciate it. I'd like to try and work this out, so any other ideas would be appreciated.

My plan with the archmage narrator was to have him carry us between character POV's.  Each time the chapter POV switches, the narrator is there to "pull us away" from one character and lead us to the next.   I do not anticpiate there being a lot of POV changes.  75% of the book is from Aric's POV.  The other 25% will be from Nola's, and one other character you have yet to meet.

One idea which was suggested (and I had initially ruled out while writing) was to use the archmage as the "bumper" at the start of each chapter.  I'm OK with that, but its sorta become a fantasy cliche IMO.  (Not a bad one.  I just didn't really want to use it for this book.)

So once more, because we are switching from Nola's POV (in the chapter prior to this) back to Aric, I inserted a narrator section.

Thoughts?

Thanks again!

36
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-23-09 The Junction, Ch. 1-a by Ravenstar
« on: March 25, 2009, 07:59:05 PM »
Quote from: RavenstarRHJF on March 25, 2009, 03:01:39 AM
Thank you jwdenzel! Can I call you J? ;D

Totally. :)

37
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10
« on: March 24, 2009, 11:04:12 PM »
You're right that it's such a low standard, yet so many books or movies fail.

Now I need to make sure that for my own work, I hit or exceed that standard!  ;-)

38
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: March 24, 2009, 10:32:24 PM »
Normally I only like to submit once a month.  However, I have a great opportunity coming up to share part of this novel with some people I really respect, so I'd like to get more feedback before I share.

So please put me down for another Monday submission.

:)


39
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10
« on: March 24, 2009, 10:30:13 PM »
Quote from: SarahG on March 24, 2009, 10:27:35 PM
I haven't read any Crystalheart, so I don't know how well this applies, but I'm reminded of a feminist's opinion I once heard for what makes a movie worth watching:

1) at least two named female characters
2) who have at least one conversation with each other
3) about something other than a man


I love it.  Thanks for sharing this.  Great insight.

40
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10
« on: March 24, 2009, 10:29:28 PM »
Quote
Just to clarify, by blocking you mean presentation of the setting, right?

By blocking, I mean the phsical movements and placement of the characters.  Being a filmmaker, I borrowed that term. In movies, a director will "block" the actors by telling them where to move, what cues to take , etc.  My point with my comment was that some of the movement ...Aermyst and Marlin looking into each others eyes, dropping their gaze, etc... was a bit awkward in places.

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(And yes, good call about the fight scenes. When I think of fight scenes in other books that I absolutely loved, they sometimes were blow-by-blow but the parts that said EPIC were like that because of all the internal conflict and emotion in them.)

I've always enjoyed battles in which the external conflict was simply a mirror or extension of the internal conflict that the characters were going through.  Brandon Sanderson does this very well in Mistborn, in the second book in particular.


Quote
Thanks, your words are liquid pearls of writing ambrosia! (okay, maybe not but close.)

LOL.  Yum. :)

41
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10
« on: March 24, 2009, 07:16:27 AM »
Have no fear, Reaves... I'm behind, but not abandoning you! :)

First paragraph:
Quote
Leaderless, they had broken up into tiny bands that fought or ran as they saw fit.

Who are they fighting? If each other... why? They just fought a big battle against raiders. They raiders left. Why would they fight each other?

Quote
"It's alright," Aermyst had said hollowly as he carried the boy back to the camp. He patted him on the back. "It's going to be alright..."... Marlin looked up at him with big brown eyes. Aermyst had to look away, ashamed. He didn't want the boy to see the lie in his eyes.

Good stuff.  You get points for showing some character insight.  Maybe just go deeper?  You have a great opportunity here to explore your theme of "A man with no heart."  He says that line "Hollowly". Like as though he has a hollow heart?  Consider taking us (the reader) in further so we can get to know what Aermyst is feeling. We already know a lot of what he thinks, but I want to know more about what he feels. Explore that. It's far more interesting IMO than desert merchants running amok.  :)

And not to poo-poo that otherwise nice scene... but why does Aermyst pick him up?  He just sorta does it.  His motivations could be a little more clear.

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"No, you don't understand what I mean. I'm an angel," Tristan insisted. "Can't you see my wings?" Tristan spread his arms wide and the wind grabbed at his cloak.

I'm confused. Is he a supernatural being without wings? Or just a protective person with knife skillz?  When Aermyst said he wanted answers with "no more evasions", I was hoping Tristian would deliver on that.  But it seems like we still have more questions than answers about Tristian. :(

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"You're a madman," Aermyst said. "You realize that, don't you? You're insane. Why should I do what you want?" / "Because if you don't, these people will die."

Obviously this is an important plot point here. And you've got the makings of a good conflict for Aermyst ("Should I leave or help these people?").  But I confess I am still having a hard time reading his overall motivations.  In earlier chapters he's a killer who hardly blinks at taking multiple lives.  In this chapter, one minute he's a bleeding-heart child rescuer, and the next, he's selfishly obsessed with how he "was so close" to getting his soul back.  My question is:  which does he care for more?

For Ilis... I like the creepy scene with Zael. Although Ilis still falls flat and one dimensional IMO. I'm trying to put a finger on why she feels that way to me. I think it has to do with how every scene, and most of the individual moments with her, somehow involve her attractive looks, her romantic feelings for somebody else, or somebody else's feelings for her.  In this scene, for example, we start by reflecting on her pretty voice and hands, then she muses about the bow in her hair that Aermyst gave her, and then we have a bad guy kissing on her arms and calling her a fiery flower.  It sorta feels cliche.

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Those were almost worse, gangly and skinny, but with an ear-bursting cry.

huh. Sounds like my 3 year old son.  ;D

Quote
"I know," Aermyst said. "It will get better."
"No," Marlin said. He picked up a stone in his fist and squeezed. "No, it won't."

I loved this entire scene with Aermyst and Marlin.  The blocking could be a little smoother in places, but in terms of the big picture... awesome.  Great work there.  Now give us that conflict and angst in your fight scenes! (Rather than the mostly blow-by-blow we've seen in the past)

Your story-telling skills are getting better, Reaves.  Good stuff.  I'm going to try and catch up with your other chapters as quickly as time allows.

J

42
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-23-09 The Junction, Ch. 1-a by Ravenstar
« on: March 24, 2009, 06:42:31 AM »
Hi Ravenstar,

I was one of the people who requested to read the entire chapter.  I'll divide my comments up into two sections.

Part A

Respectfully... the first paragraph wasn't very engaging for me, and I felt like I had to trudge through it. I probably would not have continued reading it if I had been in a bookstore.  The reason it didn't do much for me is that it felt like  a history lesson.  The second paragraph then gives away (??) the ending of the chapter.
 
I love that the first characters we meet are not human. I'm more interested now.  :)

Quote
Usually it was a battle royale to drag his twin away from his dreams.

This line feels a little a out of place because "battle royale" sounds too modern to me.  (Maybe I'm too nit-picky though?)

I'm having a hard time figuring out where the characters are.  Are they at their homes, or at school? The twins at least live with their parents, but they have easy access to school warding rooms.  Do they live in individual homes?   Consider establishing the setting a little more fully.  Also, if these are lizard-like people, I'd very much like to see the type of world or community they live in! :)

I was confused by the magic system. I know its early in the story, but everything we know about it has been told to us, and not shown. So when Meles runs his test with all the diagrams and chalk lines with the twins, I had a hard time understanding what was going on.  Maybe that was your intent. But just be aware that it frustrated me as a reader because I kept wondering if I had missed something, or if I simply hadn't properly understood your previous explanation of the hidden powers.

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Taq was annoyed...

My main feedback for your work is that it contains a lot of telling rather than showing. The above sentence is a good example of this on a smaller scale.  More generally, there are some larger info dumps that flat out explain the world, or the magic system, or the way the faculty relate to the students.

A good example of this info dump would be the first paragraph of Part B. (Which leads me to .... )

Part B

Quote
The three were sprawled on the floor, unconscious and unresponsive. 

This was the first place in the chapter (parts A or B), where I was really pulled in and engaged. 

Quote
Even in his anxiety for his special student...

"Special student"?  Hadn't Taq just spent the last few pages lamenting about what a pain in the butt Meles was? Or does the master have a deeper affection for his student than he generally admits?

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And then there would still be the burial fee. 

LOL! Clever.  I like how Taq is emotionally caught up in this...  It reminds me of an irrational parent thinking their kid will be a failure because they got a "D" on their 4th grade spelling test.   I know Meles' situation is more severe and real, but still... it has that feel to it.

 Overall:  This is an interesting and unique setup. The lizard-men race is neat, although I wish there was more detail on their looks, their environment, culture, etc.  I'm not quite certain yet who the main protagonist is, but that's okay.  I hope to learn soon enough!  :)   

See my note above about the show vs. tell.  That's the area I would suggest you concentrate most of your revision efforts on to really take this chapter to the next level.

Good work. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

J

43
Reading Excuses / Re: 3 - 23 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 4 - Ch. 5
« on: March 23, 2009, 07:15:16 PM »
Thank you Ravenstar for the excellent feedback.  I think you and max are saying much of the same things about the awkward transition from 1st to 3rd person POV.   I particuarly like your advice to transition this somehow between chapters.  Good stuff.

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Wouldn't it be better to say "benevelont moon goddesses?" Or are they not actually goddesses, just viewed as such?

I tihnk you're going to get a chapter dedication somewhere down the line. :)

J

44
Reading Excuses / Re: 3 - 23 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 4 - Ch. 5
« on: March 23, 2009, 07:10:56 PM »
Quote from: maxonennis on March 23, 2009, 06:35:21 PM
The problem for me isn't the switch from omniscient to limited, but the switch from third to first. You start a chapter in first person omniscient and it evolves into third limited.

Okay, I see now.  Thanks again.  My intent was to always be in 1st person POV: to have the narrator simply tells a story about the sword. Like somebody telling you those events while at a campfire.   We're not supposed to get inside the sword's head and hear its thoughts.  Just have them desribed by an outside source.   Seems like I did not achieve that all that well.  I'll work on it.   Thank you for the input. :)

J

45
Reading Excuses / Re: 3 - 23 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Ch. 4 - Ch. 5
« on: March 23, 2009, 06:03:45 PM »
Hi maxonennis,

Thanks for the good feedback.  The third person omnicient / breaking the 4th wall POV is important to me and to the story, so I'll work on that.  If you have other specific suggestions to make it less hard to swallow, I'd very much be interested in them.

The most interesting feedback I got from this was that you saw Nola as a kid.  Which was not my intention at all.  But looking back, I can see how you got that.  hmmm.  I need to work on that.  He's intended to be in his 20's. 

Thanks again for reading. :)

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