Timewaster's Guide Archive

Hi Reaves,

Thank you very much for the feedback.  This was really helpful! 

About the "language-based" magic system.  *deep breath*  Go with me on this one right now. The magic system for this book is something I'm extremely excited about. It's actually the foundation of the whole story, and tied directly to the central theme.  I can't wait to show you  guys what its really like.  For now... I appreciate this comment that you made. I am aware that it's a little cheesy how he tries to use the energy in the gem to light a fire. I hope I don't dissuade readers from reading because of that cheesy factor. Because the good stuff is coming up.

So, without trying to defend myself here... I hope you'll just go with it. When you finish the book it will make perfect sense.

(Hint: Didja notice that the spell failed?) ;-)

Re: Wilson.... ROFLMAO   

Thanks for the other comments too. I bookmark all this feedback and go through it every time I revise chapters.

Fail?  Hardly.   You're getting lots of feedback to improve it.  Better we tell you this stuff than Tor's editors, right?

Re: Dantes... your replies to my feedback say that there's "more going on."   And "he was clearly dead".   That was not obvious to me as I read it.  All of the responses you had just now might be good things for Aermyst to think.   Cause right now, his only reaction boils down to "Dantes doesn't like me anymore and won't accept my apology."   

I think if you really build up the mystery here, and show Aermyst at least wonder (if not ask) how this really happened, then I think the scene won't feel so funny.

Just my two copper angels.

"Pay attention! I'm not doing this for my health, you know."

A little cliche.   (?)

"God's balls man, I heard you were dead!"
   "You seem to have become freer with your tongue lately," Aermyst said, his gesture taking in the children.
   "You know what they say. Profanity is good for the soul."
   Aermyst blinked. "You know, I don't think I've heard anyone say that."
   "Think harder. You must have heard it somewhere."

This joke felt dragged out.

Every crystalheart has a minor flaw, something only tolerated by his or her fellows; for Deragon, it was this.

Why is this a flaw?

RE: Dante's return.   Kudoes to you for throwing in a plot twist like this to stir things up.   Unfortunately:

"How were you to know?" Dantes asked. "Any of the usual ways would have done, I suppose. Check for a pulse. Listen for my breathing. Slap me a couple times."

I don't buy this for a minute.  Aermyst seriously thought his friend was dead? He's killed how many people in his life?  And he can't tell when his best friend is dead?

Sorry, but the whole situation feels comical to me. Unfortunately, not in a good way.

"A brother would not have left me dead on the sand."

Dante's motivation of feeling such blind hatred of Aermyst also feels way out of place.  If my best friend had buried me alive, thinking I was dead, yes, I would be upset as well. (Why wasn't he suffocated, btw?)  But I wouldn't hate him and disown him as my friend. Especially if it became obvious that my friend was just an idiot and had no malicious intent.   Maybe Dantes would, but how does that make Aermyst "egotistical"? Or the "center of his own story"?

Dante's motivations and reasoning don't match up, and for me at least, it made the rest of the chapter feel off. 

Later, Dantes calls Aermyst an "egotistical prick."  Why?  There's no solid motivation for this that we can see.

Now if Dantes actually has some reasons and Aermyst is as confused as we are; that's fine.  But that was not obvious to me as I read it. IT seems like Dantes is holding a grudge for being buried alive.   

The wine steamed and hissed

That's some tough wine!  (Hissed?)

"I suppose you could talk to Tellarin. He's taken to books in the last few years. He might know of something like this."
   Tellarin had been another of Aermyst's teachers. He had always been something of a scholar, teaching history, geography, and politics at the Sacramency.

If he "had always been" a scholar, etc... then why had he only recently "taken to books"?

RE: Ilis  scene.   I have the same comment as the last time we saw her.  This is just another chapter where her attractiveness is the cause of conflict.  She gets harassed, she slaps the bully, and then gets saved by a man.

I'm jus' saying.  ;-)

That is, until...


AT LAST....

A SAND PANTHER!

WOO HOO!

Although, alas, it's Dues Ex Machina.

Overall, this chapter didn't do much for me.  Dante's return really felt crammed in there. The Illis scene didn't really advance her plot either.

But I enjoyed finally seeing Sand Panthers.

I'm slowly catching up.  Now I'm only.... 5? 6? chapters behind. 

Aermyst shaded his eyes against the sun and breathed a weary sigh of relief. The last of the desert had been left behind a week past. They had survived.

<snark>Yeah, it felt like they were out there forever</snark> ;-)

Three more of the guards had died, one by 'panther attacks and...

Wait a sec.... did I miss something? You promised us sand panthers and the only time they attack it happened off-camera.       

This then, is Londalis.

OK. 

First, I loved your writing here. You did a remarkable job of carrying us down into the city, and through all the stuff we see.  About mid-way through this section the prose started to lose some of its grace. It almost felt like you were flowing with the poetry, but then put the brakes on so you could say things like "Uh, oh yeah, they had to put scaffolding over there in order to live.".  It was like a tour guide who was doign great, and then had to answer somebody's logical question that was off-script.  (Did that make sense?)

Also, the first half of this section felt like I was being carried through the city. In the later part, it jumped around a little more.  Consider looking for that smooth grace you had to start with.

In this discussion thread you asked us if the city's description worked.  I'm not sure it does.  Yes, the writing is well done.  But this is the first time in the story (that I recall) in which we have a truly detached third person omniscient narrator.   Perhaps if you had established in earlier chapters another POV like this?

Finally regarding this section, the return to Aermyst was a bit jarring.  I think this might go back to the smoothness of the ride you were taking us on.  You took us into the city and eventually to the Sacramency (cool word, btw... you've got all sorts of neat Christian references in this novel)... consider maybe finishing the ride by returning to Aermyst?  Heck, maybe the skitterfly is what takes us through the city?

An ever-swirling whirlpool, frozen into silvered glass. It has no city blocks, no districts, no divisions of any kind. It is a spider's web sparkling with morning dew, each thread expanding wider and wider to form the basis of the web.

I really like this description.  Just be aware that you used the term "morning dew" twice in a short amount of time. 

However, the boy was nearly the first thing Aermyst saw when he entered the city.

If Aermyst just saw him

Aermyst watched Marlin nod slowly. "Some," he said. "Traveler, Tester, Forger, Avenger, Protector..." his voice trailed off. "I...I don't know the rest."

Ohh oooh!  Pick me!  Pick me!  I know! It's Maker and Builder!

"Maker, and Builder," said the monk. "Do you know what they mean?" he asked kindly.

Yay!  I was right... but no, I have no idea what they are.  Tell me...

The voice gradually became a dull murmur that blended in with the rest of the crowd.

Rats. I was hoping to find out.

Marlin seemed excited

Show. Don't tell.  Besides, last we saw him, he looked worried by entering the city. Not excited.

"The realm fares well," the lieutenant answered.

If that's a formal answer, I'd expect it to be in the Old Tongue ancient language Aermyst used.

He looked yearningly at the Sacramency, then ducked into the needletower, following the skitterfly.

This works well.  The skitterfly is trying to get home.  Well done.  I get it.

What doesn't really work for me is how easy if twas to find the elevator and bump the controls on.  I would believe it, but only if the skitterfly lead him to a place that was much more clearly abandoned.  It would seem to me that if a city had stood "dead" for centuries or whatever, the modern people would have already poked, prodded, and touched every single possible surface by now.  This just seemed too easy.

For a second, nothing happened. Then with a slow whine the symbols flickered out of existence and the small glow beneath his palm died. Aermyst sighed, dissapointed.
   And then the room came to life. 

That little delay was well played!  Nice job. (Check your spelling though: "disappointed")

...cold, unyielding stone brick of the streets.

Brick? In a city of ethersteel and other advanced technology?


For the last section of the chapter... great imagery!   

On the bridge... it was a little awkard for me when you described the skitterfly having trouble with the wind.  I had to re-read a few times to get the idea.

Also, I kept wanting him to lose his balance.  Jut to make things more interesting.  But perhaps I'm just overly cruel to characters.

The bridge itself could use some more description. Is it truly a bridge? If so, why are there no railings?  (Maybe there's a valid reason, but I'd love to have it answered in the text)

Finally... the finest compliment I offer this chapter is that this is the FIRST time in your novel in which I really, really, REALLY want to know what happens next. You totally have me hooked.   And you're saying it's capital-A Awesome, so I'm going to read it right....now.

(Great work!!!)

Hi Ravenstar,

Thanks for the great feedback. I appreciate it.  I'll likely implement most of what you brought up. (Good call on using his armor bits to spark the fire.  I had forgotten about that. Mostly my intent was just to show how primitive he had to be there)

And that's another thing.  He hasn't had anything to drink for a long time.  Wouldn't the first thing he did be to find a source of fresh water?

Finding water is the initial goal of the next chapter. I actually address it a lot in that one. 

As to whether or not he would try to find water before getting a fire.... hmmm. I need to think on that.  It's a tropical island, so it's probably not too cold at night, actually. But by the time he's in a right mindset, it's getting dark. ANd who would run into a foreign dark forest at night?

Thoughts?

I didn't have so much of a problem with him sitting there holding a stranger's dead body for a while- at the very least, you described it well.  A couple of hours would be a bit long for a complete stranger, but maybe you could have him find Pellis' body or something like that (unless he shows up again later).

It's a good idea.  I'll adjust that scene, but not put Pellis in.  You'll have to RAFO to see what happened to him.

Sorry, but that spot has already been taken by a certain elf hater on this site but you come in at a close second.

Gah!  I can't even antagonize you adequately.  Is there nothing I can do to storm your impenetrable fortress here?  So...powerful!

PS- lol Frog. Good point...However, I decide to trust Jwdenzel. Possibly a mistake, but hey 

Definitely a mistake. Happy April Fool's. 

(And leave it to Frog -- my archnemesis -- to call my BS.  *shakes fist*)

Hi Ryos,

Thanks very much for all this excellent feedback.  All of its great.  And seriously- no need to apologize for any "harshness".  Not for one moment did I take it like that.  I'm glad you're enjoying things, despite its flaws.

*sigh* You might be right about the archmage narrator "Darling".  It might need to go.  The narrator IS a character that well see and Aric will interact with in a few chapters.  I'd like to keep these parts around, but you may be right that I need to tie it more closely to the story.  Or, at least, show how it relates.  All those "ramblings" that the narrator speaks about very much tie into the end of the story. 

At some point I might do a breakdown of each entry the narrator has and see if I can work a mini plot into it. Something to tie those ramblings together and make it more relevant for the reader.

As an astronomy nerd, I know that it takes a very bright star to be visible right next to even a crescent moon. A cluster of such stars would either be about as large as the moon, or appear as one very bright object to the naked eye.

Guilty.  I admit I was just in love with the image of the stars "protecting" the moon. I'll rephrase.

Are we to understand that he sat listless in the sand for several hours, with the head of a dead stranger in his lap? Seems a bit over the top

Excellent point.  It does feel over dramatic, huh? 

Also, in the previous chapter we saw Nola finding bodies on the beach.  I'd prefer to not repeat that imagery, so I might skip it. 

Another nerdy thought: how cold is this water, and how long has Aric been in it? Even 80 degree water will give you hypothermia if you stay in it long enough (this is why scuba divers always wear wetsuits no matter how warm the water is)

Damn, you're good.  I -did- think of this as I wrote it, but I picture them being right at the equator. Tropical island ahead (well, the one in the water anyway!)  I'll do my research.  And then find some way to make it work. LOL

Thanks again
J