Timewaster's Guide Archive

Bah, I'm pretty sure you're both competent enough to gloss over the things the little ones can't read. 'sides, with society today, it takes a lot to get into X territory, especially in a novel... unless you're going to do a graphic novel, at which point someone has way too much time on their hands.

...unless you mean X for eXcitement, and you just don't think fun things belong here.

Yay! A submission from the elusive Silk. The world is coming to an end!

Ahem. So anyway, I... er... well, hrm. Now how am I supposed to write a wall of text when I like something? I'm much better at pointing out all the things (I think are) wrong with something.

Aha! It's too short.

Okay, okay, I can do better than that.

   The dead don’t speak, but the living do. Patience and a gentle voice will get these ones under control most of the time. It’s better when the ghosts aren’t forced.

This paragraph confuses me a bit. I don't quite understand which "these" the second sentence is talking about. Are you talking about the new ghosts that wander? Or are you referring to the living people speaking? Also, why mention that "the living do [speak]"? Is there some significance to stating this obvious point? I guess I just don't think this paragraph fits in with the flow of the rest of the story.

Other than that, I thought it was very interesting, although, obviously, I'd like to see a bit more story out of this. You leave us with this crying girl (okay, I suppose being dead at 3 might be a little jarring for the little one)... but don't resolve the conflict. You're setting us up for something... and then freeze the frame. Drats.

Long story short (hahaha)... I want more.

Okay, the first part of the chapter I'm having a lot of issues trying to figure out what's flashback regarding the time he tried to escape and what's the present day. I think it's because you intersperse a huge chunk of flashback and description between two sentences with the scourge whipping him.  I'll try to point out more of this issue in my line-level edits.

I will agree with the earlier comment that he should have learned something about how to fight after six years, or he should be dead. He definitely should not be acting like a baby after so long in the Pits. Going along with this, why does it take six years for Jalean to get pissed off enough at Jin to want to kill him? I'd expect it after a few months, maybe a year... but six? She either has a lot of patience, or Jin hasn't been trying hard enough.

Also, since it came up... Jin can apparently take a nasty gash and a shield bash to the temple and only get dizzy? Can I hit you with a bone shield in the temple and see if you're still standing afterward? A 14-year-old is, again, pretty frail, especially since you portray him as such. They do not take hits to the head and stay conscious. Also, a good slice across the back can sever tendons and render an arm useless pretty quickly... so perhaps you need to emphasize that it only grazed him. There's not a whole lot of thickness between skin and shoulder blade, or between skin and spine (and the ax could manage to get between the vertebrae, and then it's bye-bye disc). I suppose the back of your arm would be a good place to get struck, as the bone is right there, and the muscles are above and below... your back is full of muscle, though, so you might not want to get sliced there. How many hit points do normal humans have? 1-4, and a good dagger can take to unconscious in one swing.

Okay, so you want a better way to describe that he's purposely not learning? SHOW IT! If you're inside his head, make him resistant to learning. Right now, I just get the impression that he's a clumsy weakling. Honestly, though, at this point I would expect him to have given up on that sort of rebellion. In fact, if he was intelligent, he would realize that they're giving him a tool. Learning how to fight from someone means you know a lot about how they fight. So, you learn how to fight better, and you learn how to deal with your opponent when you have to (like when you escape). I'd imagine this would change Jin's character a bit too much, though, so we'll stick with the weak little boy scenario. This may mean that this chapter should come a lot earlier than six years after he got to the Pits.

Burm gave a nod to Jalean.  He picked up his axe and shield, readying them against Jin.  Jin watched him, bending his first finger around to grip the whistlers. He thought it felt better this way.

With that, you're showing defiance of Jalean's trying to teach him, and you remove some of the crybaby mentality that he has. He'd be accustomed to the pain after six years, too.

I have one other problem, and it's starting to become more apparent. I have no sense of anything happening to further the story. Where is the main plot? So far, you've introduced four main characters, four magic systems, and a trapped God who wanders around in his mind. Is this just going to be four fictional biographies? Or is there some actual point to all this? Perhaps you're trying for a character-driven story instead of a plot-driven one. I don't know. I still think that a story needs to have some sort of overreaching arc, and I'm just not seeing it anywhere. Part of this might just be that some things are out of order, and I don't have a complete idea of where each of your submissions are chronologically. At any rate, if all of these are at the beginning, we have something like 7 chapters of character/world exposition, and the only one that hints at something plot-related is the chapter of Anaiah where those hounds come in (and I'm not even sure that qualifies as big plot, or isolated event). I guess what I'm getting at is this: What is the point of your story?

You have to remember, I'm OCD, so I'll notice all sorts of little things.

You ain't gettin' that one by me.

I'd put in some little things to make them just enough different to allow them to blossom on their own. Right now it looks like reruns.

The prologue is pretty good. It gives you a bit of mystery to keep you reading.

Chapter one seems a bit better now, being told strictly from Mateo's view, too.

I'll agree with Asmodemon (man, your name is going to get typed Asmodean so much on here...) on the assessment of chapter 2. The problem as I see it is that you're not going to be reminiscing much when you're freaking out about seeing a murder. You're going to be adrenaline-pumped (fight or flight mode). So you're going to be focusing on the here and now, not three months ago. Personally, I would consider moving the flashbacks until he's in a more calm environment, like his room. You want to keep the tension ramped on his "getaway", and then slowly cool off as he gets home and he realizes he's in the clear. It's a bit bumpy right now, with tension, flashback, then more tension.

There is some info-dumping about the organization, too, but you definitely have to watch how you say things. If the person wouldn't say it naturally, then don't force them into a verbal info-dump. Regarding Asmodemon's comment about this, you'd probably have to go with something like "Look Matt, we've been around for centuries. We've got you covered." or something. Show the experience, but in the natural tone (which from most of your book, seems to be a fairly light, almost comical one).

Chapter 3 I didn't like so much. The only thing you do is introduce Agathan and set up what your chapter 4 is going to be about (the final meeting). I think a part of it is because I was instantly suspicious that this wasn't Benedict giving the message, because of the way he freaked out about it. Also, why wouldn't Benedict just call him? For that matter, why wouldn't any of them? I'd imagine a phone call is a little easier than making scrolls appear out of thin air. I don't know. It just doesn't have much happening compared to your other chapters.

Chapter 4: hrm. Well, I know you need to start dropping information, but again, I think Asmodemon has it right that you need to make it a little more natural. Ben's a bit too verbose in his descriptions, which makes it feel like you're just doing it for the sake of the reader, even if Matt has the same questions. Honestly, I would have expected some of these questions to be answered by now, if he's been doing this all summer (not that all of his jobs would be this involved, but still). You also have some fairly large paragraphs in this chapter, which I would avoid (half a page is pretty big even for an adult novel).

Okay, so here are some difficult situations for you, since I'm one to find faults with systems in general.

First: How can Mateo hit Barry with a trash can with enough force to knock him over? I would think this would violate his restrictions on his powers, personally. Especially given a head shot, that's likely to cause some permanent damage, even without a slit throat afterward. I'm not sure whether the Guardian Angels have to follow the rules a little more strictly or not, but I would make them. Bludgeoning someone isn't very nice.

Second: There is an innate problem with the scenario. By hitting Barry, you are restricting his ability to carry out his free will. Any time two people are a part of the equation, if their wills differ, you're going to be stopping one to help the other. I'm not at all sure how you want to deal with this, or explain it away, but this could become a very big problem throughout a whole book. It's more than a little hypocritical to say that you can't interfere with Sheila killing Barry when you presented the opportunity by knocking him half-unconscious and preventing him from escaping. Barry *could* have chosen to let her go, too, but once he was on the ground that choice was completely removed. Fun, eh?

Third: Can an Angel use telekinesis on a person? They aren't particularly heavy objects in comparison, so why not just freeze them in place? This still removes their free will for the time, but it's a lot nicer than a can to the head. Or, why not just move them away? Let Sheila get out of the alley and be long gone before letting him go.  Ben says you can't use mind-control, but telekinesis certainly has no restrictions on body control.

Fourth: Okay, so telekinesis is a very versatile power. What would be their "second level" powers? Honestly, there are very few situations I could think of that I wouldn't be able to solve with TK alone. Car crash? Stop one of the cars. Building falling on someone? Move them out of the way or push falling debris away from their position. Nuclear missile attack? Deflect it. See where I'm going? They already have more than enough power, so what's the power ladder look like?

Hopefully these situations/questions give you some things to think about moving forward.

And I'm still wandering around playing catch-up. Yay.

I'm going to come right out and say it: the beginning of the chapter was *very* hard for me to get through. There were a lot of descriptions thrown in that made it very awkward and overly wordy. Sure, it gave me a good picture, but it's like info-dumping your environment. I'd prefer to be shown, not told what Jin looks like (this is much more difficult, as you don't normally stare at yourself or care much).

Unfortunately this info-dumping doesn't extend into what's actually going on, so I'm left with a lot of questions on why things are the way they are. I understand that Talven is there to investigate the hole, but a lot of the specifics seem shrouded (haha, spiffy pun on your writing).

At any rate, the actual "doing things" isn't too bad. If only I knew why (as Silk mentioned, the stakes). So, that's the last 5 pages that are pretty decent.  I'm guessing that the other 12 are designed to do the following things:

• Show that they church doesn't like men with independence, and also that they are apprehensive about his research, since it's effectively blasphemy
• Show how men are subservient
• Give you an idea of what Jin's little world is like right now
• Show how Jin and Talven react around women, and specifically those that don't necessarily believe men should have any sort of power/freedom

I do get a pretty good indication of the kind of person Jin and Talven are, through the dialog. I do feel that Jin flip-flops a little bit between being intelligent and dumb (which has already been brought up before).  So I would also agree that a lot of it could be hacked out.  Now for more specifics:

Mosaics are tiled (specifically, the pieces are called tesserae). They are stone, glass, wood, etc. They are not painted. A type of painting that somewhat resembles a mosaic is called Pointillism, but I doubt that's what you're looking for. Murals are similar to mosaics in result, which is probably what you're thinking of.

Jin says he's never seen metal before. Seriously? None? No hinges on doors, no metal woodworking tools, nothing? What are the rims of their spectacles made of, then? If you're going to remove all metal from a society, I need to see what they use in place of it. It's unique, so use that to your advantage.

I have a bit of a problem with Talven's outlook on things. If I were to tell him the sky were blue, I feel like he would disagree with me until he could prove *why* the sky was blue. Nevermind the fact that he could just look up and confirm it. Now, I know some people who are like this, but in all honesty, if you're ignoring evidence just because you don't like what it's called or because you can't find out every bit of information on it, then that's pretty... well, stupid. Which is ironic, given that he's supposedly a well-educated scientist. I'm not sure if this is what you're going for (I get this impression a lot when he's talking about how Lyrisism is/isn't a science).

The whole bit about his land seems a little... overmuch. I don't see why he's arguing with Orlisa about it. Does she *really* know all about his land situation? It seems a little odd, especially bringing it up at this point.

I *do* enjoy the very end, when he kicks the dagger. That's a very good hook that makes me want to find out what happened, and perhaps, more importantly, *why* it happened. You'd better deliver.

So, get out your machete.

Oh snap, Silk beat me to this one. Guess that's what I get for going out of order.

I'm going to have to disagree with Silk here (because that's the way we are). I don't think the end of the last chapter was a good segue. At first, I kinda thought that maybe this was one of the Dreams. If it is, then great! But if it isn't, hrm. Maybe I'm alone in this, but well, those are my thoughts.

One thing that bothers me a little is that your word use is sometimes a little... higher-order. For instance:

His sense of powerlessness had been building for centuries, but these past few years had served as painful punctuation to decades of infinitesimal decay.

It *sounds* really cool (bonus points for your alliteration), but the word "punctuation" in that sense is a bit archaic (I had to consult the dictionary just to make sure it was even *right*). Infinitesimal is a hard word, too... I like the word 'cause it sounds cool, but it makes me pause when I'm reading. This is just a suggestion, but I would rewrite it as "...painful contrast to decades of minuscule decay." I suppose it depends, too, on what your target audience is, but even adult books try not to use overly complex vocabulary, because you start to lose people (or convince them that you're showing off with your word use). I'm sure your editor will know better, though.

I would also agree that very little actually happens in this chapter. You have a bored god, an insane god, and a seductress she-god. And... they do nothing. I find out that Rachell is important to Sathain, which is good, but I didn't really need 1800 words to tell me that. I also find out that Sathain wants his followers back, but what god doesn't? Oh, and I find out that Sathain and Iŷsifae are into S&M. While I don't have any problems with this, it doesn't further the plot (except for your small hintings that Sathain wants to put Rachell into play about now).

At least I can visualize the whole scene well, but you've always had that going for you. You're still using a lot of direct similes with "like" a lot, though, but I know it's your style, so I won't beat that particular horse. Just be careful that you don't put too many near each other, or they start to get tiring (to me, anyway).

Hey, something this week (although I think I skipped a couple, I'll have to look back at my emails).

So yay, you finally spit something out!

I had a lot of problem reading through Nerida's viewpoint... I think it's pretty heavy on the info-dumping, which is understandable for a new character, but still, I think you can do a lot more showing and a lot less telling.

The first time shift you did really confused me. The last sentence before and the first sentence after are both complaining, so I almost thought that no time had passed at all, and you just put it there by mistake. I can see that there *is* a time shift... but is it really that long? I have no sense of how much time has really passed, since she was arriving on the dock at the previous time, and in Camir's house afterward. Did an hour pass, a day...? If it's short enough, I'd consider just getting rid of it, and replacing it with a something like "She headed directly for Camir's house..."

Why on Khabor would the houses lack roofs? It makes no sense. Rain isn't the only thing it keeps out. It also keeps out bugs, the evil day star, the cold (which would be especially bad if there were never clouds to trap heat), etc. I think it's great that you're trying to have something unique, but I think you can come up with something that doesn't trigger my WTF alarm.
 
One thing that seems really odd is why they didn't have the link up all the time. Does it take a lot of energy to maintain? It seems a little difficult to form, but that's even more reason not to let it go. Give me a reason why they stopped using it before, because otherwise, it's a little dumb that they did.

Now on to Tav... I like this part a lot better. It's kinda like the anti-climax of the previous action scene with him. Although I do wonder a bit why you waited a chapter and a half to give this to us. Perhaps you're shooting for some special timing (because of the screaming on chapter 5), but really, this isn't but a few seconds after the end of chapter 4. Why not just move this chapter back to 4 (because temporally, it doesn't hold much in significance to the other chapters), then move Chapter 4 to 5, and put this last part at the end of it. Then push Chapter 5 to 6? It would seem to make a little more sense that way. Right now, it looks a bit... tacked on.

That said, it intrigued me a lot more. "Oh no, what's he going to do" sort of stuff. You've firmly established that he's a pretty selfless person, although I still question his emo-ness for his past life. Someone really needs to tell him that "power isn't evil, it's the person wielding it who has to make that choice"... which I'm sure you'll get around to eventually. I hope.