Your funniest RPG moment

[Fellfrosch]

Welcome to the latest TWG contest! Our prize this time is Sacred, a computer action/RPG from Encore, and our requirements are simple: post your funniest roleplaying anecdote. You have two weeks, and may enter as many times as you like; on Friday the 26th (at or near midnight, so possibly Saturday morning) we will close this topic and come to a final decision. Some ground rules:

1) Though it's possible to post without registering, you must register to be eligible to win. It's the only way we can guarantee that the one who posts is the one who gets credit for it.

2) Saint Ehlers, Fellfrosch, and 42 will be the judges. Everyone else--even staff members--are free to enter. We will confer among ourselves and pick the anecdote that, quite simply, makes us laugh the most.

3) You may enter as many times as you like. Just make sure they're funny, doggone it.

4) Once the winner is announced, Fellrosch will contact the winner by email and request a mailing address. All postage will be paid by us--you get a full retail copy of Sacred absolutely free.

5) Enough explanations. Make with the funny!

[Fellfrosch]

And now, just to get the ball rolling, I'll post my own anecdote for your amusement. Some of you may have heard this one before. Heck, some of you were there.

In a D&D game run by EUOL several years ago, I played a mostly feral half orc named Little Grunt who pretty much raised himself in the desert, and had a habit of saving the skulls of his kills. Shortly after assassinating the evil king Pardol (and saving his head), Little Grunt went through two life-changing experiences: he started to develop magical ability (a very random form of magical ability), and he was struck by a "Power Word: Madness" spell. Because of the madness, he interpreted the skull of Pardol as the source of his magic, and over the course of the campaign crafted a complicated religion around the worship of the deified skull. Little Grunt, as you can tell, was a real lunatic.

So anyway, it's late in the game and we've been slogging through some very difficult battles. A key NPC (and love interest to one of the PCs) is dead, as is one of the other PCs--who happens to be following us as a ghost, waiting for us to find a way to bring him back to life. In this battered state we're attacked by our toughest foe yet, and Little Grunt launches the strongest spell he can--which, of course, ends up going random. We wait in hushed silence as the GM rolls on a series of tables: What level will it be? Very high. What side effects will it include? Permanence. What spell will it turn into? Raise dead.

Slowly, and with outbursts of great laughter, the implications of the spell dawn on us. Little Grunt is carrying a sack full of heads and is wearing a necklace of lizard skeletons, all of which spring to life. The two dead characters rise up as zombies under Little Grunt's control, which means that the love interest of one PC and the body of another are now my mindless thralls--and can never be brought back to life in the traditional way. The kicker to the whole thing is that the skull of Pardol--object of Little Grunt's crazed and irrational devotion--actually starts to move and talk. I'm not kidding when I tell you that it took us nearly 20 minutes to calm down and get back to the game, and even then we spent the rest of the night giggling.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

2) Saint Ehlers, Fellfrosch, and 42 will be the judges. Everyone else--even staff members--are free to enter. We will confer among ourselves and pick the anecdote that, quite simply, makes us laugh the most.

I assume this means I'm not eligible? *sigh* Fine, but I'll still try to think up a good one.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

Brantley, Scott Lear Alex Reponen, Viney Sharma and I  are up pulling an all nighter playing Star Wars The RPG (D6) mind you and its five in the morning... each of us has had about 3 2 liters of Coke in the past 6 hours and we are all hyper slap happy and silly. And thats when the horrible jokes began... how horrible, try this one on for size...

An Ewok walks into a bar......

Yub Nub...

thats it.

Not very funny now, but at the time with the amount of sleep we were on it was the funniest thing in the world. And thats when Alex had his attack.
I call it an attack, because it came on suddenly like a stroke, and involved the same amount of flailing, and lack of muscle control, at any other time it would have been scary. But it was ust hilarious.....
He fell over and started flailing, laughing so hard he couldn't control himself,.. his full uncapped two liter fell over too and soaked everything near him as he flailed wildly screaming with coke spraying out of his nose and mouth
Stop it guys HAHAHAHAH its not Funny HAHAHAHA Im in pain HAHAHAH stop OWWWW HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. I, soaked HAHAHAHAHH THis isn't funny"

And then Brantly told another one...
A Wookie walks into a bar... and thats as far as he go before Alex really started to sieze... and scream in pain, yep he laughed so hard he pulled a muscle....

[JP Dogberry]

Ah. I was planning to write a multi-part article for TWG about my high school RPG experiences. I still plan to go ahead with it (it'll be good) but without spoiling too much, here's three stories, and three entries.

The first story is the most recent, in a game of "Mutant Bikers of the Atomic Wasteland" a fudgey, beer and Pretzels game. It was during the swimming carnival at school, during which we were roleplaying to pass the time. It was kind of a tradition to do such. Anyway, my friend is the GM, and we're all playing members of a band, my character not only having mutant Tentacles but being a guitarist. Anyway, throughout the game I've been making a big deal about how important my guitar is to my character, and playing it badly to the annoyance of everyone else at every oppurtunity.

Anyway, we get to this part midway through the mission in which we're fighting a group of gangers, some on motorbikes, some on foot.  My friend Jarrah's character is armed with a Pistol and a baseball bat with a Nail through it, and keeps getting lucky rolls. While everyone has struggled to kill a single foe, he announces: "That's one!" He continues this count, and by the time of most of our first kills he's claimed "That's Four!" having taken out another enemy by driving by with the bat.

Anyway, I start getting the opposite rolls, really bad ones.    A flamethrower gets shot at me; I ask "Is my guitar ok?" it was, luckily enough.

Then, I perform a cool manouver, stuff it up, and drop my guitar off my bike. I of course have to circle around and get it. "Is it damaged?" I ask. Luckily, it wasn't.

I get attacked, and my bike *blows up*. (He hit the fuel tank) The guitar is hurled a thousand feet into the air, falls, hits the ground, and according to my GM is undamaged. I run at another biker, kill him, take his bike, and circle back for my guiatr again.

Then, I get attacked, and knocked off my bike. For revenge, I chase after him with a sledgehammer, kill him, and another biker comes for me. I use a FUDGE point, put a dagger in his front Tire and he flips over. "That's Two!" I say.

Anyway, Jarrah is near my fallen bike, so I ask him to check my guitar. Miraculusly, it was still undamaged. (It was getting to the point now we all thought it must be invincable, since it had been through everything on other player's actions too). Anyway, he picks it up, and rides it over to me.

That's when the gang leader, a bastard with a Flamethrower, a forcefield and a bad attitude came for him on foot.  That's also when Jarrah's luck ran out. The Flamethrower absolutely caned him, blowing up his bike, and throwing the guiatar into the air again. It hits the ground, the tension rises, and the GM rules it is *still* undamaged.

Then a stray bullet hits it, causing a tiny, tiny scratch. "Nnooooo!" I scream, in character.

Then, another biker rides at Jarrah on the ground, hitting the Guitar and Smashing it into a thousand pieces.

[Onion of Death]

Alright, mine starts as most RPG stories start. 6 15-17 year olds sitting around, each having at least 4 liters of caffeine in them. The worst off is my friend James, who has drank over the course of the night a total of 6.5 liters of Surge. We counted. It's not like we had anything else to do after what transpired.

I can't quite remember what we were playing. I think it may have been ShadowRun. That wasn't the most important aspect at this point though. We had quite possibly the most strange line-up of characters ever. James has the most odd character of them all. He describes him as a Pygmy Dwarf, standing about 1 feet two inches. The picture James drew was insanely funny. This "dwarf" has a hat made out of plastic rings, which he swears gives him magic powers, which are a gift from his "god". He constantly prays to someone named "Mandingo". His reason for following the party is to rid himself of a curse where every fourth word that comes out of his mouth is "ARSE!".

So the party walks into a bar, and the Pygmy sits down at the bar. He says "I want an ARSE! drink." For some reason, James just goes incredibly nuts at this point. This is all outside of the game. He starts running around the room, yelling that sentence over and over. Finally, after two minutes, he appears to calm down. He then bellows "I am the Mandingo Warrior! All shall fall before my mighty ARSE! powers!". He then turned to run out the door, but misjudges directions, and takes off towards a wall. Running into the wall, he falls to the ground. He begins jabbering on and on, usually with the word arse in every sentence.

Not a word was spoken (besides his babbling, which wasn't really able to be considered intelligible) for about 5 minutes. Then, as a whole, everyone burst out laughing. Occasionaly, James still yells his Mandingo Warrior cry, but I think he learned his lesson that night.

Well then, that was the only story I could think of at this moment. I'll have to ask around for anything else. If I do find something better, I'll be sure to post it.

[JP Dogberry]

Here's Entry #2:

I'm playing a game called "Cultures" designed by the GM Chrism and ripping off the "Creatures" series of games.  Only not very well, since the first Norn I saw I put into a sack and hurled into a brick wall for fun. Then killed and sold for meat, as I recall.

Anyway, each player had a free Weapon and a Unique Item,. My item was a Ninja rope, and my Weapon was a Sack full of Infinite fish. It was a weapon in the sense I could pull out a fish at any time, and slap someone with it.

Anyway, My friend Tom and I were fighting IRL, which meant we were also fighting in the game. I had already put an Electric Eel in his soup, he's already sent assassins to my place of work, a Video Games Arcade I set up.

Annoyed, I walked over to his house, broke the window, and pulled out a Marlin. I sniped him with it through the broken window. He got hurt a little, but not as much as when I previously tried to skewer him with a marlin that was about three times bigger than the bag it came out of.

So, Tom comes running out of the house to attack me.

His Weapon was a D-gun, like the one in Total Annihalation. A one-hit instant death ray (weakened slightly againt PCs to be fair).

He runs out, and shoots me, and it hurts a whole lot. One more shot from it next turn, I am clearly going to die.

So what do I do? Run away? Beg for mercy?

I take it like a *Man*, that's what!

I run over to him, pull out the first fish I can, and I SLAP HIM UPSIDE THE FACE WITH IT!

Luckily, it turned out to be a Bream, and the spikes caught the flesh, tearing a good portian of his face off.

I think that's when he fired the D-gun again, but given I was dead before I felt it, I can't be sure...

[JP Dogberry]

Entry #3, and this is a bit shorter....

Chris is GM again, and we're playing a Vampire game, highly derivative of the White Wolf game (but with a made up system, since we couldn't afford the books, nor could we buy them in this town)

We'd just started playing, and being Fourteen Year old nerds, Chris had to put in a love interest character. She turned out to be a female vampire, extremely rich and important within the faction.

I'd just started playing, and of course the first thing I wanted to do was to court her. So far in the game, I had three posessions: Two bottles of Blood (Healing potions) and a Rat (Can be eaten to restore a small amount of Blood).

We arranged to have a drink, and I forgot that I ahd the blood potions. So, I offer her the rat to share with me....

Chris pointed out that the Blood Bottles might be a slightly better idea, before laughing loudly and sharing the story with the entire group to my embarrassment.

[Eagle Prince]

My story isn't so much funny, but ironic.  We started a new d&d game.  One person played a human cleric, one played a human thief, and I played a human fighter.  The game started with us crossing a mountain range to reach a neiboring kingdom where a princess was kidnaped and a reward was offered to rescue her.  While we are crossing the mountain range, we were attacked during the night by some monster (I forget what kind, I think it was a gnoll).

After killing it, we follow its tracks back to its lair to see if it had any treasure.  The tracks led to a cavern.  Just inside was the skeleton of a dead adventurer with a broadsword, which I took.  We then found that the cavern led even deeper into the mountain and finally to a labrynth.  Searching our way through the labrynth, we come across two statues where the path split into two hallways.  The two statues had magic mouth spells which spoke a riddle that told where each hallway led.  We were unable to fully understand the riddles and simply chose one.

At the end of this hallway was an armory filled with magical weapons and armor of all sorts, and on the wall a huge painting of a black dragon surrounded by mountains of gold coins.  The DM drew up a chart of this room and were each item was located, and I chose a suit of armor to put on.  The DM then rolled up what this armor exactly was on the treasure charts, but did not tell us.  The thief followed suit by picking up a longsword, the DM again rolling up the item in the random tables but not telling us what it was.  However, he did then say that the sword began to glow.

About this time the cleric had finished helping me put on the suit of armor, when suddenly the painting on the wall disappeared.  Where the painting used to be was now an opening into a chamber filled with mountains of gold coins and, yes, the black dragon from the painting.  He spoke, saying we would die for stealing his treasure.  The dragon activated its fear power, but onlyt the thief was affected, frozen in fear.  I ran for one of the swords on the rack, hoping a magical sword might give me a chance.  Again the DM rolled up this item on the treasure table, and he then says the hilt comes to life, wrapping around my arm up to the elbow... it was cursed.

The cleric follows suit, grabbing a battleaxe from the weapon rack.  The DM randomly rolls up this weapon also, and then asks the cleric to make a saving throw.  He fails, and falls over dead... also cursed.  About this time the dragon has advanced out of the hidden chamber and into the armory, and the thief has recovered from the fear.  She then runs up and takes a swing at the dragon with her glowing sword, but it does nothing.  Next, the dragon uses its breath weapon.  This kills the thief, but somehow I live as its breath rolls around my armor (we later found out this armor protected against acid).

I reached for another weapon on the rack.  The DM again rolls it up randomly and doesn't say what it is, but he does grumble and look rather confused.  I then attack the dragon with the sword and roll a 20, automatic hit.  The dragon screams in pain and withdraws from the room, demanding my name.  I billow my name and scream back that I am a mighty dragonslayer come to kill it (we were all first level btw).  I run after the dragon and attack again, rolling another 20 and the dragon again screams in pain.  The dragon then attacks me with its claws and bite... the DM moans as he rolls all 1s, automatic misses.  This goes on for some time, with me rolling 20s and the DM rolling 1s.  The dragon finally manages a single hit, dropping me to 1 hp.  With a final swing, I bring down the ancient black dragon Praehotec.

After collecting the treasure and getting my friends raised from the dead, we get the magical items identified.  The wizard who identified our stuff says he will do all of this for free if I give him my sword.  I laugh at this, since I used it to kill an ancient black dragon.  We eventually come to a price and I find out that the sword is a dragonslayer vs. black dragons.

We went on to save the princess before the session ended, when the DM told us more about what had happened.  Come to find out, the black dragon was ment to kill us as a plot device, and then a powerful wizard from another world was to bring us back to life and we would have to adventure for him to return the favor (this is the same wizard who put the magic mouths on the statues).  However, do to the rare occurance of these ironic randomly generated treasures, and the constant auto hit/miss of the attack rolls, he decided to just let the rolls fall as they did.  So it happens that I played a first-level fighter who killed an ancient black dragon practically by himself!  This is a true story, believe it or not.

[Fellfrosch]

Big news! Encore has yet to send me the product, so we're extending the contest for another week! Keep those funny stories coming!

I've got another one for you (warning, foul language ahead). This one didn't happen to me, it happened to some random person on the GW forum I was talking to once. He was playing Warhammer Fantasy and was having abysmal luck--the kind of night where you roll all 1s and the monsters you're fighting roll all 20s, or however the dice work in WFRP. Anyway, he ended up poisoned and nearly killed and he lost all of his stuff and just horrible thing after horrible thing. He was getting so frustrated that, when presented with the possibility of having a wish granted, he gritted his teeth and said, "Just kill all the bastards!" It was at this point that his GM reminded him about his character background, randomly determined, which said that he was illegitimate and would, therefore, die if his wish came true. "No problem," he answered, "I haven't had a single successful roll all night." He rolled the percentile dice...a 1 would mean that the wish came true...only a 1% chance of success on the unluckiest night of his life...so of course he rolled a 1. He threw up his hands and rolled a new character.

[Onion of Death]

So did this contest just end or something?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

I think it was partially forgotten. We judges have never gotten together to make our call.

One of my funniest RPG moments was when I was running an Arthurian setting in college. Jeffe was playing a Paladin and managed to kill a group of people in a bar, possibly without complete justification, so I told him this didn't bode well for his alignment. So he went to the party cleric. The guy playing the "Whiskey Priest" style cleric started quoting "Scripture," which I later recognized to actually be lines from Pulp Fiction. It was great.

[Spriggan]

I know that Encore shiped the product a week or so later then orignaly planned.  Haven't heard from Fell about it.  But I'll find out and let you all know.

[fuzzyoctopus]

Not that I care particularly about the contest.... but I ran a Werewolf campaign this summer/fall that was a lot of fun.

The pack had just broken into the house of a mage and were investigating his basement when Ek, the pack leader tried to make a roll to figure out what the all the machines in the basement were.  He botched, and proclaimed to the group that the basement was full of bread.


Or there's Matt's campaign where we ran into a cursed statue, and my halfling bard got turned into a fairy, and our human spellcaster became a badger for the rest of the campaign.  
Or Jeff- what about Wellby and his chickens?

[Fellfrosch]

I've emailed Encore a couple of times about the games, and they insist that they're on their way. I know that none of the other review sites have it yet, so that's a comfort.

Until then, I guess, feel free to keep adding funny moments.