I'm new to the group, so bear with me
I'm eager to start contributing, and I'm especially excited to read this sort of dark fantasy. That said, I only read the first viewpoint section. This is what I think.
The first paragraph's description is strange because it says what hell ISN’T, not what it is. I'm eager to hear from the horse's mouth, so to speak, what hell is, not find out about how hell in this story may be contrary to some common expectation.
The second paragraph had its problems too. It starts out with a little of what the viewpoint character looks like, which is ok, but it ends with a thought about how no one wants to put up more money for streets. At the end, all I know is that the character has wings, and I was much more interested to know what she looks like rather than the road's state of repair.
The rest of the first viewpoint section seems to continue in these problems. By the end of it, I’ve got some scattered ideas about who this character is, what she does, but the rest is unclear. She seems to be looking forward to getting money, but later she only seems to want it to buy bread. This is confusing because wealth and survival are very different motives. A rumbling in her stomach that leads her to the next mark would be more clear, I think.
There are also scattered references to the world in which the character lives, but it all comes piecemeal. It may not make sense that the character could actually do what she did without seeing all these different sights on the road, but the reader can’t be exposed to it all at once. Exposition comes later, on its own.
I think three things needed in a first chapter are immersion, empathy and statement of motive, in that order.
As for immersion in the setting, I’d recommend focusing on one, specific, solitary detail and expanding it as much as possible. Find the one thing most unique about the setting and make the reader feel it.
Empathy comes next. The empathy doesn’t need to be with the viewpoint character, but it it’s not, it must be strongly against her. All that’s needed is some sort of empathy. Do this by showing some sort of emotion, loneliness, fatigue, sadism, etc. Focus on one and drive it home.
Finally, the viewpoint character’s motive needs to be stated. And the advice for focusing on one thing holds well here too. Find the one thing that the character would want above all others, and focus on it. Food, shelter, wealth, etc. The reader will make his own judgments about how noble the character’s pursuit is, and after that, all the character’s other motivations can come into play.