Okay, wasn't here for the first round, so I am critiquing both at the same time....
Alright, I can understand you wanting to get to the action right away as your attention getter, but you introduce so many characters and so many things about your world in general all at once that I found it overwhelming and a bit confusing. I, personally, would have appreciated a scene or two just introducing a few of these things before all the blood/guts/gore, especially the characters, which would make me care more about the outcome of said battle and make Jordan's death more dramatic. Maybe you could use Fuei as your hook by subtly introducing his mission and then use that to carry you through to the other characters going about there daily lives before he shows up...just a suggestion.
One nit picky thing I think I’ll mention just because I’ve seen it a few times now, when you do a quote and followed by a tag use a comma, not a period, and the tag would all be all lower cased. Like this:
“My name is Fuei Nako, of Wardengard.” He said, bowing slightly. “Now, we must go,
before we are set upon.”
Should read like this:
“My name is Fuei Nako, of Wardengard,” he said, bowing slightly. “Now, we must go,
before we are set upon.”
“That wouldn't be they, would it?”
Unless your people have a new fancy way of talking, it would be them, not they.
Seems rather reckless for him to go after the crystal since it doesn’t seem all that significant based on his description of it. That, and he seems a bit of a klutz to have so much trouble getting it even before the werewolves come.
POV (Lias to Fuei) shift seems a bit abrupt, maybe you could add a break or some kind of mark to set it off better (like *s or #’s). I'm not sure what the text book would tell you, but I have a lot of POV shifts in my book too and what I do is leave a space for time breaks of the same character, and use a symbol for POV shifts. W/e you decide to do, just make sure your consistent.
I'd believe it of Fuei, because he is mysterious enough, but for the rest, I would need some more background to believe their weapon wielding prowess. And why, exactly, where they chopping up the fence? Just to get past it? There has to be an easier way....
Wow, lots of POV shifts, and lots of characters going unconscious/dying. If I knew enough about these characters to care about them it would be dramatic, but right now I kind of find it annoying....
The descriptors instead of the names is a bit annoying to. At the end, when it said that the guy with orange eyes got speared, I had to scroll back up to make sure that was Fuei you were talking about.
I liked your werewolves though...they were evil, but cool. Always good
Good luck and good work.