Timewaster's Guide Archive

Ok, usually I read all the other critiques before I post my own, but I don't have time for that right now so I apologize if some of this is a repeat.  Also, sorry it has taken me so long to get to your submission.  I hope you can still use this.

Ok, let me get the nit-picky things out first.

When he was halfway across, Caleb twisted in the air to face me and smile

Maybe say, "...to face me and smiled."

He moved from still so suddenly that I wondered if he had ever stopped.

This sentence was confusing to me.

...adrenaline giving us wings

  I thought this was a bit cheesy.

It’s hard being needed, even harder when the person who needs you would get killed by a sociopath mutant otherwise. 

  I think you could do without this sentence.

Like a classic villain, Trohs was still gloating

Sorry, rolled my eyes on this one...a little over the top for me.

Ok, enough of that.  Now for what I liked.

Caleb was actually laughing, the idiot.

I was laughing out loud on this one.  Reminded me of one of my friends.  Great job.

I mentally resolved to stuff potpourri into his face the next chance I got

Another great line, keep this.  Although you tend to say, "mentally resolved" a lot.  How about, "I vowed to stuff..."

Ok, now for my critique. 

The story is great, and I understand this is not chapter one, but the story seems a little jumbled to me.  I like the first person narrative, but sooooo much happened in this submission that I got tired of reading, "then I did this, then I did that."  It's hard for me to pin point exactly what I'm trying to explain, I'm sorry. 

Another thing I didn't like was that your MC has just discovered he has these "powers" or "abilities" and yet it takes his older brother to get him off his butt to go out and experiment and learn about them. 

I also thought the "smells and scent" portions were good, but a little long.  I liked how he found out that the oily smell was fear, that was cool.  But preceding that, the whole garbage and other smells eventually started to drag.

I think the story is great and has potential.  I would steer a little away from the slang and make it more descirptive and less, "now we did this and now we are doing that."  Hope this helps.  Good luck!

Wow, thank you so much everyone.  Especially the two newest critiques from Necrobells and Manyang.  I have been worried about specific items of my book and you all have pointed out many of them that I now know I need to adjust.  I'm considering re-submitting this chapter after my revision, because this section is vital to the story.  If it doesn't seem believable in the beginning, I'll never get anyone to read the whole thing. 

Just for future reviewers, I don't want to reveal 323's name because I want the reader to be guessing through the first 1/3 of the book which of the three primary characters is the Intelligence Operative.  That being said, I can see the logic in Manyang's comment on why does he address himself as 323 when he is thinking.  I'll have to revise that as well so he doesn't address himself during his thinking. 

Thanks again everyone for helping me with this.  This is awesome!

Instead of clogging this site with even more threads, maybe we can just email the submitter if we want a copy of their previous work.  What do you think?

How did I miss that?  I'm sorry.

Long day.  I have no other excuse.   

I completely agree with Frog, your writing style is very poetic.  Beautifully done. 

I agree with Reaves too, it is very difficult to follow who is talking.  Each letter or day (I'm not sure really) is strenuous to figure out who is speaking.  Also, there seems to be no distinction between internal dialog and the letters being read.  I had a hard time knowing if what was being said was words from a letter or the character speaking internally.  For example:

We’ve taken the Valing pass.
   His house was modest, neat. He probably could have afforded better, but he didn’t need better.

 
I understand that the first sentence is the letter and the second is Seryl, but there needs to be more of a distinction.  Can you put the portions that are the letter in italics or a different font?  Just an idea.

Here's something that needs to be fixed:

He wasn’t be the world’s best chef, but he hadn’t poisoned himself yet either.

Also this sentence is very long, can you break it up so it flows better:

To look for a better way to tell a stranger something they shouldn’t have to hear about the loved one who had been Darin’s responsibility.

Ok, I think this also needs to be fixed because it didn't make sense to me:

It was near enough the only time he had company.

I am also going to coat tail on the idea that we have no clue who the MC is at any point.  I thought Darin was...but...like Frog suggested...he died? 

I have to say the soldiers life was well depicted but seemed to drag towards the end...other than that, great job!
This is really well done.

Great story!  I like how we jumped right into the fight, caught my attention and kept me reading.  This is exactly what you want, and you nailed it.

A couple of minor points:  I agree with Reaves, it is not clear on the relationship of these two men at all. 

“Forgive me.” Dahael said lowering into a fighting stance, “I don't want this to come between us in the future.”

 
This is more of a question, but the guy is trying to kill the other guy.  If he plans on winning, and for  his sake he should, why would he care about his relationship with the man he was intending to kill?  I think you foreshadowed a little on the superstitious nature of the killer, but regardless this sentence seems odd to me.

He had challenged the man to the Sha'han in the middle dinner after all.

I think this should say, "in the middle OF dinner," right?

When you character has the internal dialog, you use italics to emphasis this, great work.  However, maybe add a ' in front of it and at the end.  For example

'He has torches lining his garden path for guests. Well, so much for this visit being a private one.'

The hard thing about only seeing one chapter of your work is that it leaves us questions that cannot be answered unless we see the next chapter.  What I was wondering about was, why did the Jurada say:

and in return I'll tell you my name...”

?  You didn't elude to his name being a mystery until this sentence.  Maybe you could let the reader know somehow that his name was a mystery?  Of course, it's probably all in chapter 2.  Anyway, great story and it has a lot of potential.  I like how it starts and I enjoyed how we came into the story already in conflict.  Got me hooked!   

It was late for me when I read this, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.  I didn't have time to read the whole thing, so I skipped to chapter one per your instructions. 

First of all, coming from someone who doesn't much care for this genre...I really liked your first chapter.  Where others might want you to world build or go into magic systems or whatever, you kept it simple and not to complicated. I liked that.  You brought the reader in at a good pace.  You didn't overwhelm me with facts about your Elf world.  Also, the characters are easy to follow, you immediately distinguished them very well and that is commendable. 

Ok, just some tiny things. 

How could a woman, as young and active as his mother had been, die when the when others of her age would outlive a few trees?

Just too many "When's in this sentence.

Drynn hadn’t thought of himself as a child for years, but wouldn’t say so, even though the king often paused for so long between ideas that it seemed painful.

I didn't understand that last part of that sentence...I must have missed something earlier.  Here is another one I didn't get.

Drynn said quickly in hopes that would end the interview, not because he expected that he would wish to trouble his aunt or anyone else in the holt.

Now, this is just my personal opinion (and I struggle at this too), but I think your first opening sentence should be something that catches your eye. 

Drynn didn’t like to fence and he wasn’t very good at it either.

Too me...this wasn't that catchy (keeping in mind I didn't read the prologue).

What I really liked:  The jerk father was done very well.  He seems really heartless and evil (if that is what you are not going for, then I suggest making him a little more sympathetic to your MC and brothers feelings). 

What I wonder about:  The girls in your book are very one-dimensional.  They give the token girly giggle when around boys and are obsessed about them.  If you are going for the pre-teen stereotype of immature girls, then you nailed it.  Otherwise, if you plan on making any of these girls into definitive characters, you might want to downplay the Hanna Montana fan club. 

My only recommendation:  Get to the conflict quick.  This is probably in chapter 2, but get to it quick.  Draw us in faster. 

Overall, I really liked your first chapter.  Sorry I didn't get to the prologue but from what I read, I think you are on the right track.

P.S. I also appreciate you reading my story as well.  Your feedback was awesome.  I really could see where I was struggling and how the reader was confused by my flashback.  I plan on making those changes per your feedback.  Thanks again.

I enjoyed the story. Very sad.  I wonder if you can draw more emotion into it without having to repeat the "alone" and "lonely" sentences.  I like the character reminiscing about the past, it was more effective than telling me she/he was lonely. 

I also enjoyed the fact that (and I hope I'm right on this) the main character's lover isn't possibly dead but has left this person.  I felt at first they were dead, but the cigarette part at the end kept me wondering.  Good work.  It is short and it needs to go somewhere quick, but I'm not worried about that (as you already told us it was short).  Good luck and thanks for letting me read this.