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Reading Excuses / Re: 1-12-09 Aspirations
« on: January 12, 2009, 05:51:35 PM »
Ok, I read your first chapter and have not been able to read your other submissions, but your summary brought me in quite well.
I have to say, I really like your MC. He is cleaver and his humor amuses me. Two lines that really made me laugh:
Ok, just a few suggestions:
You could do with a little bit more description instead of telling us how your characters feel. For example:
I think you can get rid of this sentence. You kinda already eluded to him in the paragraph before:
Here's another time where describing her body language could say more than just telling:
The mother sounds a little Asian in this sentence:
I feel like there could be some work done on separating the internal dialog and the character dialog. In this paragraph, I didn't know he was speaking out loud and yet suddenly she is correcting him.
Ok, overall I really liked it. The pace is good and the MC is a hit. I personally didn't care for the whole crying over the hot girls shoulder and telling her about his dead wife. I understand your MC needed to let go or release some built up pressure, but it just was a disappointment. I was hoping that there was going to be some romantic flame built between Angel and him but instead they only held hands and he cried all night. It's just me. I do get that he is torn between the memory of his wife, a vampire lady who I missed out on, and Angel. Basically...you know the story, if this scene is 100% necessary, keep it. If not...lose the crying and get some kissing going on! lol
I have to say, I really like your MC. He is cleaver and his humor amuses me. Two lines that really made me laugh:
Quote
I carried a dagger but had no idea as to how to use it effectively. I mean it couldn’t be all that difficult, pointy end goes into opponent’s body, and repeat.- Loved this, don't change it.
Quote
Contemptuously I moved my gaze away from him, scanning the rest of the crowd for any other like-minded idiots.
Ok, just a few suggestions:
You could do with a little bit more description instead of telling us how your characters feel. For example:
Quote
“We don’t have to go there if you don’t wanna.”Maybe instead of just having her say "Thank you" you could say, "Her eyes lit up immediately as she clasp her hands together and graciously thanked me...." Not the best wording, but you get the idea. The point is, help us to know how much that means to her, more than just saying, "Thanks."
“Thank you! They were the ones who put me out for sacrifice.
I think you can get rid of this sentence. You kinda already eluded to him in the paragraph before:
Quote
I paid special attention to this one man because of his warring emotions, if he’d been able to keep them to just one or at least two that complimented each other, I would have over looked him completely.
Here's another time where describing her body language could say more than just telling:
Quote
“Who? Oh, you mean Javik, yes, we need to leave. He is very dangerous to me or anyone around me. Where can we go?”She doesn't seem scared at all. I would say something like, "Angel shifted around nervously, looking over her shoulder for someone." Or something like that.
The mother sounds a little Asian in this sentence:
Quote
Is she like prize won at fair?lol, just me I bet.
Quote
That she was mad at me was clear, I just didn’t know whyI'm not sure why your MC doesn't understand why she is mad. She just got done telling him that he had put them all in danger. Maybe he could say, "She was mad at me that was clear, but how exactly I put everyone in danger was a mystery to me."
I feel like there could be some work done on separating the internal dialog and the character dialog. In this paragraph, I didn't know he was speaking out loud and yet suddenly she is correcting him.
Quote
I felt like burrowing my way under a log and living with whatever was under there. How did I have such a talent to make women I meet cry? Sorry? I felt wretched, like pure scum, anything under that log was better than I was. When I said as much, she threw a stick at me.
“You will not say such things! You may be an uncaring oaf, but you are better than bugs.”
Ok, overall I really liked it. The pace is good and the MC is a hit. I personally didn't care for the whole crying over the hot girls shoulder and telling her about his dead wife. I understand your MC needed to let go or release some built up pressure, but it just was a disappointment. I was hoping that there was going to be some romantic flame built between Angel and him but instead they only held hands and he cried all night. It's just me. I do get that he is torn between the memory of his wife, a vampire lady who I missed out on, and Angel. Basically...you know the story, if this scene is 100% necessary, keep it. If not...lose the crying and get some kissing going on! lol
