West/A Rustler of Years

[Mr_Pleasington]

You all should have recieved the first one and a half chapters last night.  I was hoping I'd get to the first action scene before sending it out, but I think I need feedback for the opening.  

Here are some questions to ponder:

1) Is it too slow?  There's a lot of exposition and subjects are really only hinted at.  Action is coming, but I'm debating how soon.

2) Does the dialogue seem natural?  One thing that always jumps out like a thumb for me is unnatural dialogue.  I can never detect this in my own stuff though.  A lot is said in the silences between the characters.  I want to know if that's coming across.

3) Do I need to throw in a solid hook instead of all these hints?  The main plot won't be introduced for at least another chapter.  I'm hesitant to introduce it too early, but if chapter 1 is completely boring I may need to throw something in.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

1) no, i think it's fast enough. You start with a man walking through the desert with a bullet in him. That got me more than interested, and what's happening between characters is interesting enough. I"m eager to learn what happens next.

2) I'm going to have to look for these silences again. The dialog seemed natural enough.

3) like I said in 1, i'm hooked. When's your next chapter?

[Entsuropi]

I guess i should really start reading this stuff, eh?

[Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock]

Here's your answer SE:

" "...since you first woke up and vomited on my floor," a smile appeared and then faded, "Nine weeks since I found you on the plain."

The sound of crickets was all that filled the air for several moments.  Thom broke the silence."

Another one:

"The rhythmic duet of the crickets and frogs was the only sound filling the air for the next few minutes as both men sat and enjoyed the night."

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

yeah, I'm just gonna read it, since I have it here, and then have it in context.

[Mr_Pleasington]

Thanks for all the comments here and last night, guys.

I've finished chapter two and am slowly moving on.

I wrote the first part mainly stream of conscious with only some idea of where I was going. Last night it hit me what's going to happen in the rest of the book.  The problem is that there are two very different paths that both look interesting, one making a more-or-less hero's journey out of the book and the other being a much, much darker look into what a man who has had his passions ripped from him is capable of.  I'm leaning towards the latter.

Here's one more question though...does Thom seem cheery/content or frustrated/resigned in his conversations thus far?  I think he's kind of riding the edge between the choices currently.  Thoughts?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

He seems frustrated, out of momentum. But I don't get the feeling that he's giving up. So it would be reasonable for him to get back up and going. Does that help?

[Mr_Pleasington]

Yes, it does.

I know where I want to go with this now, in fact.

Thanks.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

ok, i re-read it. i'm not getting much actual content of their interchanges in the silences. However, it DOES show that they're comfortable with each other, since they don't dwell on awkwardness or anything like that. I think it's effective.

[Lieutenant Kije]

Okay, it's time I commented on this.

1) Is it too slow?

No.  What had my mind going most was the setting.  I want to know how you've mixed the old west with these fantasy elements you use/allude to occasionally.

2) Does the dialogue seem natural?  A lot is said in the silences between the characters. I want to know if that's coming across.

 
The dialogue seems fine to me.  I think the setting has influenced my perception of their conversations: time-worn, relaxed, isolated, experienced.

3) Do I need to throw in a solid hook instead of all these hints?

 
I'm okay.  You haven't gone so far that I think I need to have some definite plot direction.  It should come in the fairly near future, but I like the character development that's going on, and the possibilities that these two characters create for the story.  Bill's past, the dead fugitive (a zombie?,) and things like this say to me there's going to be an interesting plot coming.

4) Does Thom seem cheery/content or frustrated/resigned in his conversations thus far?

I think he seems content and resigned at the same time.  He's too tough and too close to being dead to be cheery, and he's too calm to be frustrated.  I picture him here as a grumbler (with a good heart) just taking it one step at a time, maybe to death, maybe not.

[Mr_Pleasington]

Thanks again guys, this all helps.

I'm stumbling along now as I've got a page size chunk I need to completely rewrite as I don't like how it turned out.

And, yes, the plot's a-comin'!  Well, at least the first one

I forgot how much fun writing was.  I just hope this doesn't sound too seventh-grade composition.  It's been a long time since I put a pen to paper like this.

[Mr_Pleasington]

Sigh.

I'm stumped...and I've been stumped for a while.  I guess this is the first hurdle.

I'm trying to stay away from cliche as I work up the background on the villains, but with the old west, even with a bit of a twist, there's little that doesn't seem well used.

I need to do this before I can continue, but I'm completely stumped.

Any tips?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

you just want tips on new ideas for villain backgrounds?

Hrm...

It's easier for me to chat online about this. If you want to grab me on IM sometime I'll be happy to be a sounding board for ideas and  provide some myself. Kije is also good for this if he's willing.

[Mr_Pleasington]

No, I've got the general ideas for the villains...in the past weeks I've outlined the basic plot of the book...but I, well, I don't know.  It's weird and hard to explain.

Maybe I'll just start chugging through it and see what happens.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

seriously, if you need help, catch me online. i'll talk it out with you. Soemtimes talking about goes easier than just brainstorming.