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Flo_the_G:
I'm with Raethe on the "not a class"-thing, the fact that the class seemed to consist only of debating was a bit irritating. And, of course, I'm with everyone else as regards the need for a scene between the two debates.

What I didn't get at all was the feeling that the scenes were merely there to accomodate an infodump. Maybe this means that I'm part of exactly the geeky technology-loving target audience... In any case, while reading I made no notes whatsoever, because I simply wanted to know how the story goes on - in fact I still do, and not only due to the mysterious falling picture.

Chaos:
Actually, for the "it's not a class" people, I have seminar classes which are exclusively based on the teacher just loosely guiding classroom discussion. Usually there is some kind of reading to accomplish before classtime to focus the discussion--that's the only element I see missing in this class. It's more of a collegiate level thing, and a high-level collegiate class. I'm not sure if the seminar class would work in a high school setting, but then again, I don't know too much about the setting here.

First of all, wilson, you need to be praised. Your story intrigues me! I really, really want to read more about the setting. You have me totally hooked.

However, that prologue... To put it lightly, I strongly dislike the notion of this prologue. It is not the omniscient perspective in it, because if you were going for omniscient all the way through the book, that's just the perspective of the book and it can work very well for you. I don't even mind that the piece transitions from omniscient to limited. Mechanically, the prologue worked fine. It was intriguing nonetheless. It still didn't mesh with me.

It just seems to totally preface the story. Now, I suppose that is what a prologue is defined to be, something that happens before the main story, so I guess it is a little silly to hold that against it. My problem is that it does not tell a story in its own right. It does not give us a picture of any characters, it does not give us a lens to view the world, it merely introduces them, and only on a basic level, too. The prologue was not particularly informative, instead just setting up an obvious plot point in an extremely obvious manner. Subtle foreshadowing, this is not.

Now, a prologue does not need to have character. It is completely acceptable to have an omniscient prologue. Take the prologue from Elantris, for example. That prologue does not introduce anyone, and instead introduces the key concept which will override the story. It worked perfectly because it clearly conveyed something, and it was an idea so cool that it makes you want to read further. Your prologue is not so powerful. It did intrigue me, I will admit, but not in a way I particularly enjoyed.

"But this tale doesn’t start with the transportation system." That entire paragraph makes me cringe. It makes it sound like the narrator is directly talking to the reader (because you are, obviously). It's not a flaw in itself, but you need to ask yourself: is it really necessary to do that? In my opinion, the reader knows it is the beginning of the story, you don't need to tell them what the beginning is. You show scenes to portray the beginning. It seems that would be a far better way to convey the mystery of the light. By having a character experience its mysteriousness, the reader's emotions should also parallel that feeling.


As for the classroom setting, it worked well for me. It was fast paced enough to keep me reading (and thoroughly interested) despite the fact that I was dead tired. Good job!

I really can't comment more on chapter one than what was already said. I'm extremely interested to know more about the world, and I am extremely interested to see the plot develop. You don't give any clues to the plot in this first chapter, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If the classroom setting isn't very prominent, though (which you say in this thread), then it needs to be toned back. Since you are planning to add another scene before the second debate, I believe that would solve the problem. On the other hand, I actually liked the fact that there was no transition between the first and second debates. It had a very good feeling of being close to the action, which I like a lot. You didn't fool around with unnecessary information.

It's a fine balance, I think.

M:
I'm not sure I can add anything constructive that already hasn't been said.  Great job.  I'm interested to read more.  Sorry, lame crit, but I don't believe in overkill.  I will try to read yours first on the next submission so I can give a real crit.  Sorry.

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