June 8 - Blade of the Fallen - Chapter 9 and 9.5

[swaindaddy]

I had to cut down chapter 10 in half to keep within the submission word count. Needless to say the rest of 10 is a lot of action and magic - so keep that in mind when critiquing these 2 - thanks.

Keep in mind that the grammar and other elements are all at very rough draft state - this is the very first, unpolished version. (I'm not interested in grammatical errors etc. - that's second draft stuff)

[RavenstarRHJF]

Looks like Garrik's superstitions held true, at least this time.  

There isn't really any indication of how far they've ridden since leaving the city- depending on the terrain, if they've been traveling for less than a day, they should be able to see it in the distance, but you make no mention of that when you describe the valley lookout.  And if it's been longer than a day, he shouldn't be surprised at how much his legs hurt. 

Thank you for explaining succession in character.   But... how, exactly, would the final decision be made assuming the king were killed?  Trial by combat?  Open warfare?  You hint at some sort of test, but don't elaborate.  I can't think of a more perfect time to do so than what you have right here.

Another thing- you keep referring to Garrik as 'the new King,' but the present King is still alive and hale.  Is Garrik the typical Heir, who has to wait until the present King dies to assume the throne?  Or does the mere appearance of someone bearing the Rite of Eyes mean that the present King's rule is over as soon as the Heir can make it to the capital and be crowned?

I gotta say it: riding single file through unknown territory, where visibility is compromised, when you suspect an enemy attack is, quite plainly, asking for it.  Especially when you've got important people in your group.  So is not immediately rallying around said important members the moment you come under attack.  It's just... bad strategy.  And I'm really bad at strategy, so if I'm picking up on this...   Now, it may be that there's a reason seasoned troops are being so stupid- and Garrik is too green to pick up on that, so a later revelation of treachery should come as a surprise to him, but... it kinda screams 'ulterior motive' to me.

Aside from that rather glaring plot hole, though, good job!  I know I tend to nitpick about world-building stuff, but that just means I'm interested and I want to know more.

[swaindaddy]

Good points. I will elaborate on the King situation more here. It is described later and with good reason as it is a plot twisting element. But Garrik is probably curious as to what takes place as well. Good point.

As for the single file - they are riding at the forest edge to essentially hide from the road ahead Drakkin approaching.

The goal is to blend in a bit as they move past the threat. I may have then enter the forest to better illustrate this or at least have some dialogue about it to clear it up. Another good insight.

They should notice Charin in the background - At least tower tops and I will correct this as well. As for the soreness - Garrik has only ridden a horse once or twice in his life so (i can telll you from personal experience) it doesn't take long to get the thigh burning

[RavenstarRHJF]

As for the single file - they are riding at the forest edge to essentially hide from the road ahead Drakkin approaching.

The goal is to blend in a bit as they move past the threat. I may have then enter the forest to better illustrate this or at least have some dialogue about it to clear it up. Another good insight.

*scratches head, thinking*

I may be bad at coming up with strategy myself, but I've read enough books with apparently sound strategy in them that I still say stringing out your troops like targets is generally a bad idea- unless that's the point and you're trying to draw out an attack, or you are in "safe" or "uncontested" territory.  Leaving the road is fine, but they should still put Karrys and Garrik in the center of some kind of formation in case of attack- particularly since they already know the enemy is out and about.  I guess I just think defensively.
*shrugs*

[swaindaddy]

As for the single file - they are riding at the forest edge to essentially hide from the road ahead Drakkin approaching.

The goal is to blend in a bit as they move past the threat. I may have then enter the forest to better illustrate this or at least have some dialogue about it to clear it up. Another good insight.

*scratches head, thinking*

I may be bad at coming up with strategy myself, but I've read enough books with apparently sound strategy in them that I still say stringing out your troops like targets is generally a bad idea- unless that's the point and you're trying to draw out an attack, or you are in "safe" or "uncontested" territory.  Leaving the road is fine, but they should still put Karrys and Garrik in the center of some kind of formation in case of attack- particularly since they already know the enemy is out and about.  I guess I just think defensively.
*shrugs*

Not hard to alleviate. I'll just throw them into a wedge formation.

[Hamster]

Another strong chapter, but I think that next time you should ignore the word count and send the whole chapter  . It felt like a cliff hanger ending, I wanted more! Which of course, is awesome.

I don't have much to add that Raven didn't already notice, but I have a bit of stuff.

1st off, I think that you need another POV from Karrys soon, because her character seems a little, not cliche, but just archetype strong willed and smart princess type, and she seems alittle thin in the development section right now. You probably fix this later on, but not getting to know main characters and their thoughts really bugs me. So I really just want more of your characters, even though I am loving Garriks character, I want more!

By the way, I may have missed this before,but is the Talonguard the personal guard/soldiers for the KING directly,or are they just special in general? I just can't remember, and a little memory jog would be appreciated.

Gartren had barely made it back to the group from his errand at the Milambe River before they had left the road. Tul had sent everyone but the young Private down into the valley Karrys and Garrik had watched over as they talked earlier. The plan was for them to get to the woods south of the road and travel parallel to it until they reached Durmoth. Tul and Gartren would follow the Milambe River until they spotted the Drakkin. Using their swords they would communicate what they saw.

I don't really see the necessity for this paragraph at the start of Chapter 10, because it seems like a different POV, that of this Gartren, guy, who we didn't know before, and is not mentioned after this, but then the next paragraph is from Garrik. Personally, it just confused me in general, what errand did he have? And if this is meant to BE from Garrik's pov, I don't think the guards would have confided their plans to him. I dunno, maybe I'm missing something here...

The wind snapped and Garrik saw Captain Haflaen slump in his saddle, an arrow protruding from the man’s neck.

Very well done imo. I liked the abrupt transition from his thoughts to just noticed an arrow in someones neck. Portrays the shock and how he didn't really realize what happened.
Rhe following scene was promising as well, I think that you write fight scenes quite well.

About the single line formation, I actually think that it makes sense. A wedge would make it so the riders closest to the road would make the whole group visible to the Drakkin. But it works either way, Raven's confusion and suggestions make sense as well. IN fact, I would love for their to be some betrayal as Raven thought there might be.

And I also agree with Raven that the soldiers would definitely rally around Garrik and Karyss, shielding them from arrows and such.

Great stuff, can't wait for the rest of Chapter 10,

I love lots of action and magic

[swaindaddy]

Great input. I will definately address the Garten issue in terms of it still being Garrik's POV. In my second pass on the story we will get a bit more Karrys POV up front here. As well as more Renwyn.

My second draft will interlace Sarrik throughout this beginning portion as well. Just tough to do one my second novel and without a great deal of experience. But I will address it!

I think the wedge will work fine. Doesn't change anything but adds a bit of "military strat" to the mix.

[swaindaddy]

If you are interested in getting a jpeg of the map of Aris (The world in which BotF takes place) please respond to this post with your email and I'll fire it over.

Someone asked something about the geography and - well, since I created the map and it will be at the front of the book...

[Hamster]

Hey Swain,

About the map, you could just attach it to your next submission, that's what I did a while back, it's a bit easier getting it to everyone that way. And yes, I definitely want a map please!

[swaindaddy]

Hey Swain,

About the map, you could just attach it to your next submission, that's what I did a while back, it's a bit easier getting it to everyone that way. And yes, I definitely want a map please!

Smart. I'll do it.

[Renoard]

To be fair I've been distracted trying to tie up the end of my own novel and laying out outline of a new one.  That may color me impatiens and I don't really mean the flower.

This chapter seemed like boiler plate to me.  It's the obligatory heroes get captured as soon as they move to a new setting.  That worked in the introductory chapters and it still mad sense when Garryk is fingered as the heir apparent, but 3 times in 10 chapters s very nearly every three chapters.  That's not really face paced as much as substituting capture scenes for drama.  It only really works in dialog free action flicks with Swatzenegger or Stallone, etc.

That said, I can think of one instance where single file on a country road makes sense.  That's where you are passing through a new growth forest where the bracken crowds so close to the trail that there isn't room to spread out or scout the flanks.  Hard to imagine terrain like that so close to a regional capital though.

"There were several runes at the base of the blade’s cantellure."
As many blades as I've made in my life, I never once encountered a cantellure, by that name at least.  Unless you meant calenture, but I've never seen a blade with malaria either. . .  Did you mean fuller?


"Tul had sent everyone but the young Private down into the valley Karrys and Garrik had watched over () as they talked earlier."

"Captain Haflaen led the way down into the valley. . .an arrow protruding from the man’s neck."
 Adding redshirts is not only bad form it makes the reader resent you.  Don't do that.  Seriously though, paper characters introduced just for the purpose of dying is poor form.  It hurts you in the long run.

"Garrik pulled a dagger from his tunic and lept leapt from his galloping mount."

"Except the Drakkin was shorter (shorter than what) and its skin was so dark that Garrik had trouble distinguishing anything but the creature’s eyes"

[swaindaddy]

Good point about the 3 times captured. I have already planned a re-write for the one int he Gloaming Hand's HQ as a result of input earlier - so it will only be 2 times and I think I can live with that.

As for the grammar - really no need to correct it - I am sure I've missed tons more as well lol. First draft and all.

Great input - keep it coming.

[ErikHolmes]

Good chapter.

I don't think I got the next chapter, and I think I'd rather read it before I commented.

One thing that surprised me was that you were actually using Drakkin! I don't know if you are using the same one that I am familiar with, but they show up a few times in Andrew Lang's Fairy books.

[swaindaddy]

Good chapter.

I don't think I got the next chapter, and I think I'd rather read it before I commented.

One thing that surprised me was that you were actually using Drakkin! I don't know if you are using the same one that I am familiar with, but they show up a few times in Andrew Lang's Fairy books.

Well crap. I'll have to rename my magic lizard warriors then

My original name was Dra'kyn - perhaps I'll return to that.

Thanks for catching that. I'll have to look into Lang.

[ErikHolmes]

LOL, Andrew Lang's Fairy books were written in the late 1800's and were a collection of fairy tales. No one uses Drakken, (although I think an Evercrack race was called Drakken). As far as the Drakken in the fairy books go, NO ONE uses them. They show up in a lot of the old fairy tales, like goblins or something, but you won't find anything on the net about them. I've looked.

But, uh, don't get mad at me when Drakken make an appearance in one of my next chapters