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Reading Excuses / Re: February 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God, Jin 5
« on: February 06, 2010, 11:02:15 PM »
This was by far my favourite of all your submissions. It had great(as is usual with your submissions) characterization and dialogue. I especially liked the conversation with Burm about being free, and Jalean and Jin's conversation about weapons, both were fairly interesting and engaging. But what made this my favourite chapter is that we finally get the feeling that things are moving forward, we get a taste of things to come. I mean, finally the Shroud came back into the story as something tangible, and we get to see a larger portion of Jalean's life, her motivations and desires and background, all the while moving the plot forward.
I do think however, that this chapter, or at least this type of chapter, needed to come earlier on. While I thoroughly enjoyed reading all your submissions, most of them didn't have a good hook to make me want to immediately read the next chapter. It was a cool world with nifty characters, but not really a plot line. I disagree with Cynic, I don't think more is needed in this chapter. I just think we needed this chapter earlier on.
And regarding the fight scene, I very much enjoyed it, sure it was a bit complex and wordy, but still engaging and understandable.
I agree with Cynic about the Jalean/Jin relationship though. I do think she was too tough with him, and the image of her threatening to castrate him, when juxtaposed with this chapter, is a bit far fetched. Either she wouldn't have been that tough on him, or she wouldn't have been this friendly this quick. But if you have an explanation for it, or if it fits overall later on, then I'll accept it. It's not that jarring, definitely not
Overall, like I said earlier, my favourite chapter, and I can't wait to see where this goes.
I do think however, that this chapter, or at least this type of chapter, needed to come earlier on. While I thoroughly enjoyed reading all your submissions, most of them didn't have a good hook to make me want to immediately read the next chapter. It was a cool world with nifty characters, but not really a plot line. I disagree with Cynic, I don't think more is needed in this chapter. I just think we needed this chapter earlier on.
And regarding the fight scene, I very much enjoyed it, sure it was a bit complex and wordy, but still engaging and understandable.
I agree with Cynic about the Jalean/Jin relationship though. I do think she was too tough with him, and the image of her threatening to castrate him, when juxtaposed with this chapter, is a bit far fetched. Either she wouldn't have been that tough on him, or she wouldn't have been this friendly this quick. But if you have an explanation for it, or if it fits overall later on, then I'll accept it. It's not that jarring, definitely not
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drag the reading from the story kicking and screaming, beat them over the head with a rock and leave them wondering what happened.
Overall, like I said earlier, my favourite chapter, and I can't wait to see where this goes.