Compared to before, it is. I’ve spoken with some of the Khabor Sages, men much older than I. They remember what it was like before Kurick. Kingdoms in chaos, lands aflame in war. From what they have said, the history texts do not lie about the carnage of war. We are somewhat desensitized to it… Kurick unified Arjea. Things had stability. Unity. These are ideals Devos espouses, for He despises death.”
I don't think that word means what you think that it means. That, or I'm misreading your intent. I think you mean to say "We are somewhat unfamiliar with it." Desensitized implies the opposite.
“Maybe you can.”
“How!”
“That is for you to find out,” Jirald said.
Did you just RAFO your own character? I think the power, it is going to your head.
1) Right you are. The word should definitely be "unfamiliar", or some similar synonym.
2) No, Jirald doesn't actually know what Haiden is supposed to do. Meaning, Haiden has to figure out God's plan for himself.
Speaking of which:
I asked this question earlier, but still haven't got an answer, and it's still annoying me. Are "Devos" and "God" interchangeable? If so, I'll stop commenting on it....
Yes, same thing. Devos is the name of God.
For the info on Cerebrance (watch your spelling
), are we talking about the part with Identification, or the philosophical bit near the end? When I read ryos's critique, I got the impression that it was the Identification part, but Cynic made me think it was the latter. Probably both, I think...
As far as tone goes and "nothing happening", I think you are just fine with this chapter. There is enough intrigue going on to keep your reader wanting to know what will happen next. I especially like the promise that Yarran will be meeting with Saff to discuss what he has discovered. It's intriguing. I guess what makes me like this chapter so much is that there are undercurrents, further layers to be explored, which was lacking in some of your earlier chapters.
Undercurrents are fun
I'm happy to write them, and I'm glad you didn't think the chapter was total fluff.
I did have to wonder about the relationship between Saff and the priest. Why are they friends? Saff seems pretty pompous and arrogant and otherwise unlikable in this chapter, and yet the priest just kind of chuckles and goes with it. Why? I guess I'm really curious about why they are friends in the first place.
I better make Jirald a recurring character so you can find out, yes?
3) Why does Haiden think that putting a Khabor guy in the Consulate will help to increase Devidan unity? That really really confused me. One second he's thinking about how to unite the Devidans, and the next he's proposing a solution that seems to me would quite thoroughly piss off most of the Devidan world. At least from what I gathered of the relationship between the Devidans and the Khabor (Khabori? Khaborans?). The only thing I can see working is either a) Haiden uniting the Devidans against the Khabor, or b) Haiden attempting to unite the Devidans and Khabor, which sounds like political suicide. Option a kind of makes sense though, except that he's apparently well thought of by the Devidans.
Both Khabor and Khaborans are acceptable. I seem to be using "Khabor" as both singular and plural, apparently. As for the rest of that paragraph, this seems like another wonderful thing for me to not forget about in the next chapter.
What happens to a soul that isn't strong enough to reincarnate? Does it just like... sit there? Because apparently it still exists....
Oooh, now
that's a good question. ...RAFO
Okay, maybe the power is going to my head a little, so make sure to smack me when the scene can't progress without a piece of knowledge. That would not be fun for either of us.
As for internal monologue: I'm trying to get a good balance of it. I know I haven't gotten it right yet, but NaNo doesn't exactly reward me for endless tinkering, so I apologize for you having to hear my characters rant. I promise, (well, okay, I haven't written Chapter 6 yet, so I don't know for sure) these next chapters, things will speed up. It also seems like I definitely have some work to do when focusing this beginning into something really strong during revision. Sounds like fun! At least I don't have to scrap the whole thing; it just needs to be strengthened.
And for the grammar errors, I am so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you guys for bearing with me and reading.