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Reading Excuses / Re: Nov 9 - Recovering Cynic - Oathbound - Chp 1 Rewrite
« on: November 09, 2009, 07:48:43 AM »
Glee!
First off, I'm really liking it. I didn't read the prologue, so this is all new to me, but I doubt the prologue has much bearing on this, given the 18 year time gap.
One thing that really got on my nerves was how repetitive the adjectives got. The wiry man was repeated so many times it eventually just started popping out in the text, catching me each time. I'm sure he had other qualities (and you used a few), and a name, so by that point I don't think it's wise to keep calling him "the wiry man", or moving his "wiry frame". Unless he gets fat eating on prisoners, he's still going to be wiry. You could always use synonyms if you want to hammer home how thin he is.
Now for a bit of good news. I loved the scene description. It was very easy for me to visualize almost everything throughout. The characters, the dingy cage with the huddling masses, the prison environment.... It was beautiful (in a macabre sort of way).
I was a little confused about the whole blue lights around the campfire and what it all meant, but that'd probably be explained later in the book, and I don't really think an infodump on constructs and the magic systems is appropriate here.
Another thing that confused me a little was how the cage was actually being transported. At times, you refer to it as a cart, which made me think of something on tracks; other times, it's a wagon, suggesting something animal-drawn. The way it was rocking though made me think it was a gondola lift (cable car). Perhaps that could be expounded upon a little.
When Baltier awoke the second time, why did he think he had arrived at the eastern frontier? Given that he had told the waif to wake her up when she saw Direthune, and that's what she did, what gave him the impression that he was at the eastern frontier?
Line edits are being delivered by your local digital mailman. Let me know if you don't get them soon (and check junk mail). Hotmail hates my server sometimes.
First off, I'm really liking it. I didn't read the prologue, so this is all new to me, but I doubt the prologue has much bearing on this, given the 18 year time gap.
One thing that really got on my nerves was how repetitive the adjectives got. The wiry man was repeated so many times it eventually just started popping out in the text, catching me each time. I'm sure he had other qualities (and you used a few), and a name, so by that point I don't think it's wise to keep calling him "the wiry man", or moving his "wiry frame". Unless he gets fat eating on prisoners, he's still going to be wiry. You could always use synonyms if you want to hammer home how thin he is.
Now for a bit of good news. I loved the scene description. It was very easy for me to visualize almost everything throughout. The characters, the dingy cage with the huddling masses, the prison environment.... It was beautiful (in a macabre sort of way).
I was a little confused about the whole blue lights around the campfire and what it all meant, but that'd probably be explained later in the book, and I don't really think an infodump on constructs and the magic systems is appropriate here.
Another thing that confused me a little was how the cage was actually being transported. At times, you refer to it as a cart, which made me think of something on tracks; other times, it's a wagon, suggesting something animal-drawn. The way it was rocking though made me think it was a gondola lift (cable car). Perhaps that could be expounded upon a little.
When Baltier awoke the second time, why did he think he had arrived at the eastern frontier? Given that he had told the waif to wake her up when she saw Direthune, and that's what she did, what gave him the impression that he was at the eastern frontier?
Line edits are being delivered by your local digital mailman. Let me know if you don't get them soon (and check junk mail). Hotmail hates my server sometimes.