Timewaster's Guide Archive

Another nicely written chapter. You're doing some great dialogues between Kail and Kajsa and I like the descriptions of where they are. The last few Kail chapters occasionally felt like they happened in a void. There are some things that didn't work quite as well, such as:

They were all women who each held a silver bow trained on us as they approached and wore armor that was also silver and extremely lightweight looking.

It reads a little off, like it's a run-on sentence even though the sentence itself is pretty short. But on the whole those are some minor issues.

There is something I'm getting concerned about though. Maybe this is due to the time between chapters, but I did not really get excited about this chapter. Kail and Kajsa ride off to fight a god and I just shrug. They get in some trouble at the chapter's end, but again, I'm not feeling it.

I think it's because I'm not worried anymore for Kail and I'm not worried for Ellie at all. This feeling of disconnection has been growing for some time and in my mind it's because of what the characters can do.

Let's tackle Kail first. He's super powerful, keeper of the Sword of Worlds, Godslayer, can take on Sigil Knights and trolls, runs like the wind, has Kajsa (who is also ridiculously powerful), can see magic, and now he's also super rich and can buy anything he wants. Hell, he buys two magical horses with one gem from one of his thirty chests – goodbye economy and hello army of the Godslayer.

And then there's Ellie, who from the start has a dagger that rots with a touch, rings to shoot fire, a ring to increase physical strength so she can toss around Sigil Knights, the Sword of Worlds, Bloodbath, aid of Malik the Black Dragon, and she's sort-of friends with Morrigan (that's THREE super powerful characters on her side, or close to her side for the time being). If push comes to shove she can always just shove back and sent things flying.

There is very little reason for me to feel concerned for any of them – things have been rather easy from the start; none of their powers or skills are actually earned.

Even when Kajsa got hurt a few chapters ago the tension was only there for a moment before Kail revealed a new power (running) and just ran her back home in time.

Granted the enemies are also super powerful, but your main characters trump all or most of them and they didn't even need to do anything for it. Even with more than a dozen Valkyries against them I still think that, based on what I've seen Kail and Kajsa do, that they can beat them easily. So this new capture doesn't make much sense to me either except to cement the connection between Kail's storyline and Ellie's through the army of Modi and Magni.

There isn't much you can do at this point except take some of the powers away, but if you do a rewrite I think you should consider downgrading some of the powers or giving them over time when Kail and Ellie actually do something to earn them.

Interesting chapter, certainly  in terms of backstory, but maybe a bit too much – there was a lot of exposition about the gods which could be spread out more I think.

I'm a bit divided on the character of Listener. On the one hand I find him interesting because he has his plans and really likes to scheme. On the other hand, and I'm finding this the stronger consideration, he falls into my pet peeve of the Telepathic Plot Device to get around the limitations of third person limited.

Now, this may be just me, but whenever I've read about a telepathic character that character is immediately used to give us the thoughts – and therefore the truth and true motivations – of the other important but non-viewpoint characters. It's basically third person omniscient not so cleverly disguised.

I'm still not convinced on the necessity of sex for awakening a shri. You explain that attaining it is done by losing control, through sex, torture, and drugs. Finally, the third option is named. I suppose religious dogma forbids drugs as much as torture, but it still feels like a heavy handed way to instil conflict between some characters.

I also don't see what the other interests are in creating trouble between those three for the ones who ordered this particular coupling. If sex is so particularly dangerous I'm sure it's a wiser choice to let Titan have sex with the women, since no matter the explosive power he is immune. And, depending on the views of the characters and the culture, why not the men as well? As an alternative there must also be a female god with high resistances and why do they need to have sex with each other? Why not get them some beautiful attendants to go through the deed? Wouldn't that be a great honour for the attendants and if one or more are killed to awaken a god, well, that's just collateral isn't it?

On an aside, I did find this line very funny:

The whole problem could have been solved long ago, but the religious idiots in charge would rather see a Polaesi die every few years then let one succumb to the sin of masturbation.

They are gods, they should've just decreed it was now legal. It's interesting to see the living gods stuck in the same hodgepodge and bureaucracy as any other institute.

Nice section on Feeder, it works really well for me so I wouldn't change it.

The start of the chapter itself begins odd, with Aela swearing to god. The Polaesi are living gods (multiple), so which god is she swearing to? Because there's a pantheon by definition there can't be a One God. She's being sarcastic here, but it might be better to have her swear to the gods instead of god.

I'm not really clear on why either sex or torture is needed to manifest the shri. There are commonalities between the two; increased heart rate, blood pressure, a certain mental duress, but they can all be produced without either sex or torture. And for sex you don't necessarily need a partner. Cumo also says that if he were a Titan he wouldn't have to go through with this initiation. I doubt a Titan would choose torture over sex, so his words mean there's a third option. Why didn't he take that choice if he's against having sex with his best friend's girl?

About the shri, when they turn eighteen they manifest it and be like gods for a year. However, the shri apparently needs to be drawn out. It's probably the strain of the shri that kills them, so does that mean that if they don't manifest their shri they won't die?

The metal skirt has been mentioned already – durable clothes. But chainmail is made of metal, so is the box – if the box got through all right the contents would too, so it doesn't need to be metal clothing. A chainmail skirt isn't very modest either and doesn't work without underclothes. There's also a leather belt inside, so there's no reason the rest of the clothing can't be leather.

I'd like to submit again this week.

Good second part of the chapter – you've stepped up on the descriptions of what the people in the scenes are doing. I also like the military issues addressed here; the strategies the Arrelaine army is going to use for instance. I'm a bit hesitant on the wisdom of their strategies, as is Alexander, of facing the superior numbers of the empire on the plains though. With several generals you'd think they'd be able to come up with a better plan, assuming they are competent.

Speaking of the generals, I´m left to wonder how big Arrelaine is, if it´s big enough for several of them. Because you're portraying it as a small country I'm reading into this that the old king, or perhaps his predecessors, allowed a bureaucratic mess to occur. We have a council of generals, for military issues, but there's sure to be a lot more councils on other matters as well. Alexander might have a hard time keeping all factions in line. Or am I reading too much into this?
 
Regardless of the wisdom in the strategies the generals devise I'm have some trouble with it happening in the war room. It´s one thing to plan the defense of the country in the war room of the palace in the capital before the invasion, but it´s another entirely to run the defense from the war room when it's under way.

Picture this, the front lines are doing hit and run against the enemy on plains with hills. To be able to do this they need a place to keep their distance after the engagement as well as be able to stall the enemy from approaching the inhabited lands. Moving on these plains will be hard. Now, reserve troops are a day away, the capital I presume is behind the reserve troops, let´s say another day.

For a messenger to report on the tidings of the battle takes, worst case, two days, but messengers often have means to travel longer and faster than a whole army – relays and more horses, so it'll be less. But then the message needs to be heard by the council of generals, the new king, and a plan has to be formed. Another messenger then needs to go back. By the time the new plan arrives the whole situation will have drastically changed, rendering it completely moot.

Alexander should be briefed on the efforts, yes, but if he's in the capital he shouldn't be a part of strategy, not if he's a competent king who trusts his subordinates, unless there's a means for instant communication, but I haven't seen anything of the kind so far. A king, in this case, will probably be swarmed with merchants, farmers, and others who are suffering from the war - a lot will even blame the king and not the empire. This should be the focus of the king, the war should be left to the soldiers and a general in the field.

Well, I like how we’re getting some background information on your setting in chapter nine. The Godslayer battle is something that’ll have a lasting effect on Karrus and we’re getting to understand the setting more as well. Unfortunately your writing style dampens the effect it could have. The way you write is very clipped, maybe excessively so, and this submission shows that very strongly.

Perhaps it really is a matter of style and just me liking more meat on the bones of my stories, but what I mean is that I feel there could be so much more. These two chapters read like the first submission of this story you made, before you rewrote that first part to add more content and just making the flow better. Like your first submission it’s like I’m reading a summary or notes on what the chapter should be about rather than the chapter itself.

If we look at chapter eight it’s a page describing Karrus followed in short by Akara realizing who he is. While her realization is important it’s only the last sentence of the chapter which really matters and a chapter devoted solely to a description isn’t really a chapter at all.

Moving on to chapter nine we come to a great battle, but the way the chapter reads makes it feel more like background information notes. What I miss most here is an actual viewpoint through which I can follow the action. If we could follow Karrus instead and get his views and impressions on things it would make a strong chapter, because this is the type of battle which can make or break a warrior. Certainly it’ll have a lasting impact on Karrus and from the last sentence of chapter eight this is where he started to make a name for himself as The Godslayer.

There is some good stuff here, but right now it’s just a seed – you need to make it grow.

More please.

Working on it

I'm so sick of reading about stupid Rosalin getting drunk in the tavern.

You don’t need to belabour the point; I think I’ve heard it said more times than I can afford to ignore. There is a reason why she acts the way she does, but I don’t think I’m showing it correctly. And regardless I think I may be overdoing it with the drunkenness – she needs to be despondent at this point of the story, but she doesn’t need to be as useless as she is right now. There are more emotional states I can explore with her that might (hopefully) be more interesting to read about.

I'd like to submit another chapter this monday.