Timewaster's Guide Archive

I'm a bit late getting to this one.  Others have expressed most of my impressions, so I'll just use their words where I can.

You're writing from an alien POV, but it reads like it's human. I can only assume the Alliance crew and commander are human – if they're not you should say what they are instead.

I agree with pretty much hubay's entire paragraph on this.  It was my first thought as I was reading it.  Examples include how he describes the fighting the commander would once have seen (as a human would have seen it), and the commander's age as well past his prime at 67.  (And what sort of years is he 67 in?  Are Dalcon's years that he learned as a child the same as what we would use to measure?)

Shoot, this was a minor viewpoint? I enjoyed it, so if you can bring more of his POV, I'll be happy.

I agree with this and generally all of akoebel's other points.

The second paragraph didn't work for me. We already know the situation, so I didn't feel I needed the history of the library stations. This guy is going to inspect why some station didn't communicate, period. I don't need any more than this.

In addition to this, I don't understand the reasoning behind having libraries in dedicated, remote space stations.  It seems like it would make more sense to have them local to populations.  You mention there were concerns, and what possible benefits could there be to overcome the concerns?

The high admiral went on a simple reconnaissance mission. This is really quite a stretch, even with the fact that one of his relatives lived here. People this high are mainly bureaucrats who never see a day of action. For one of them to leave the high command and go on a simple mission like this is highly improbable.

He doesn't act like (what I think of as) a commander, either, let alone a supreme commander.  Dalcon never thinks of him as a figurehead or incompetent, so I would expect someone who is a supreme commander of anything to be quite competent.  For one thing, most of the bridge crew doesn't use a form of address with him.  Perhaps that's because he's not captain, but I would expect some honorific.  Plus, they seem to respond to commands from him, as well as the captain.

I don't know how long the trip took, but given that they were fretting over the three-week delay before anyone noticed anything wrong, I assume it's a little while.  Given that, a moderately competent commander would have had contingency plans for the likeliest scenarios, and probably variations of them, discussed with their staff.  Dalcon would probably have even been included or told about the plans, if he was going to accompany the troops in any of them.  If there was much chance of action, the tension should have been higher among the other crew - shorter sentences, etc.  The commander or captain could have relayed a lot of information quickly by saying "Plan Gamma-3" instead of spelling out exactly what to do.  This happens 1) when they approach and scan (the sensor section shouldn't even need to be told to scan then; it should have been the first thing the commander set in place when the trip was planned) 2) when the commander gives docking instructions, 3) when the commander briefs the troops, and 4) when the commander details objectives for the troops inside the station.  Heading to the library might have been too far out to contingency plan, however, so there it starts making sense.

Note that we can still get the key pieces of information through straight narrative here; it's the pacing of the dialog that I think kills any tension or flow that I personally would like to see for the section.

Also, a side-note to the scanning: What is the range for scanning, and what is the range for exiting hyperspace?  You'd better know them in this situation, and what both entail for tactics in a case like this.  For example, most hyperspace scenarios have limits imposed by gravity.  However, a space station can really be placed anywhere, and I didn't see any mention of a star, so they might have been able to come out of hyperspace right on top of the station (figuratively speaking).  Besides, the information about scheduled calls implies a faster-than-light communication, which usually means a very large sensor range as well (not always, but usually).  Combine these two, and it would probably make more sense to come in as close to the station as possible, immediately scan, and implement one of the pre-planned scenarios nearly instantly.  This minimizes any opponent's chance to react, which is usually considered a good thing.

Dalcon forgot his gun.

This jumped way out at me.  How did he ever get to be above the rank of restroom-cleaner if he forgets to bring one of his weapons?  Or if it is so unimportant, why would he even think about it at all?

Regarding the helmet, as well:  His spaceship had to be modified to accommodate his horns.  How likely is it a helmet would really make him blend in with the others?  I don't think it likely at all.

The admiral leads the away team (part 2) : this time, we get a mild question asking it it's wise. A good officer shouldn't have asked, he should have put the foolish bureaucrat in the next lift and left the pros do the work.

Here I actually recall Dalcon asking, but the major point stands that other officers should have nicely kept him too busy to leave the ship, let alone go down the elevator first.  This gave you a fine chance to add character or world-build that I think you missed, however.  If it is a cultural thing that he needs to lead, and none of his own crew questioned him leading, that to me implies a culture where asking if he should not go first is like asking if you're too old and decrepit to contribute anything.  I would expect the commander to get angry or upset at the insinuation, which would add some tension to a scene that I felt was really lacking it.

Now, my biggest issue : the trodoon took great pains to make it look like this was done by random bandits, yet they left 70 witnesses ready to tell everything? In the same area, they killed the technicians so the transmitter wouldn't be repaired, but didn't even think the scholars could do it? Someone could have had a hobby. Given what we know of Trodoons, they shouldn't have had qualms killing 70 scholars when they already disposed of the technicians.

Darkclaw's reason was that if he killed everyone on the station, the attack would look more like a professional attack, and would garner more attention, possibly leading to a full-on hunt for the perpetrators, rather than simple patrols-which could spell disaster if they're discovered before they are ready.

This doesn't make any sense to me.  Now, they're aliens, so they're expected to think it strange ways, so it might work.  Tactically, though, why try a subterfuge while leaving 70 or so intelligent beings who saw you plan the subterfuge?  Unless it comes up later as a misdirection or distraction, it makes no sense at all.  On the other hand, if they all disappeared (except for the bodies of the guards, maybe?) it might be more likely to look like piracy/slavery (if any underground or black-market slave trade exists in your galaxy).   That would also give Darkclaw a continuing source of information well beyond what he might get from even the most comprehensive library.

Also, he was of the opinion that none in the Galactic Alliance would feel there was any major threat- it's not the first thing most would assume, and it's not like he monologued about his plans to the people.

If he didn't monologue about his plans to his people, he's the first commander I've read (from an admittedly small sample of 2 chapters) who didn't.  I brought this up in the last time, and you gave the credible answer that the High Lord (IIRC) liked to pontificate and explain himself to his juniors.  That's fine, but here we have another commander who seems to take every chance he can to explain, in detail, exactly why he's ordering what he does.  And Dalcon isn't much better when he gets to talk, although it is more to the point, and could also be explained/improved by making it a diction thing for him.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday : I found some word repetitions throughout the text (for instance, 'investigation' in the middle of page 2).

I also noted a lot of these, and not just investigation.  Going from memory, there were 3 or 4 places where the same word was used multiple times in a paragraph to say the same thing.  I'm pretty sure most of those repetitions could be cut through some wordsmithing, although this might not be the wordsmithing stage for your story.

Other things I thought:

* Any significance to Information Station Alpha (i.e. the first one)?

* Dalcon "would not believe that" the Lead Scion would... Since this is in Dalcon's POV, his belief is implied.  I think this weakens the connection with Dalcon that was established right at the beginning of that paragraph.

* Supreme Commander Garek mentions that if it were left to higher-ups, he might not be investigating yet.  How much higher can you get above Supreme Commander?  That seemed odd.

* Would Dalcon be so forthcoming as to both admit their information network is usually so good, and that they had a failing this time?  Especially to what appears to be a competitor?

* Is Dalcon's power related to the water he sips?  That's how it reads to me.  I assume all the Scion's powers are similar.

* Airlock doors are strong!  Even if Dalcon has super-human strength, he shouldn't be able to easily open one.

* How well can Dalcon differentiate between humans?  Can he see/smell/hear/sense the relationship between the old lecturer and the supreme commander?  If so, he should probably recognize it in text.

* Uncle apparently recognized Supreme Commander Garek even under his helmet.

* The discussion in the room with Uncle was too anticlimactic.  To me, Dalcon seems to just accept that this scholar knows how to interpret military intentions, etc.  Also, it cuts the Uncle out of the conversation incredibly quickly, especially since Dalcon wanted to beat some answers out of him.  Finally, to me it seemed obvious Dalcon was setting himself up for some kind of quest to find this information, but that may be solvable with a bit of polish.

* Why did Dalcon want to beat information out of the Uncle?  Is it a tendency for his race?  Is it a result of all the power he built up and is (presumably) still holding?  And what happens to that power?

akoebel, Will777r: thanks for the feedback (late is fine, and really, a week isn't that late).

I'm glad to hear that the sibling conversation works well.  I liked it, but it was the first three-person interspersed conversation (as opposed to only two people) I recall ever writing, so it took a bit of work to figure out.

Are his teachers so mean (or stupid) as to actually schedule overlapping sessions (and in different places?) or is it just the skewed view of a teenager? I would expect tutors for a prince to actually come to the prince's room to do their lessons, instead of having the prince run around.

To answer the first, some of both, for reasons discussed later in the book.  I don't want to reveal too much just yet, but I am curious if it was too distracting, or just a question you wondered about.

In a similar vein, does the queen actually ask him to scrub floors?

This queen, yes.  I hope this is brought out later, but this one I'm less sure I've covered appropriately.  However, she's raising her children to have experienced what work others do, from the opinion that understanding it will make them better leaders.

I also found the initial scene with his tutor unnecessary. My guess is that there is some foreshadowing in the opening line? But I don't know if the entire scene makes it worth it. I can't speak much on first sentence hooks cause I'm horrid at them, but I can say that if your story opens with the first line of scene 2 ("Miki ran down the empty corridor"), I am definitely more drawn in. That at least makes me want to find out why he's running and why he's trying to keep quiet

The first line was supposed to be foreshadowing, but I'm not sure how much of it will end up being kept -- that may be a case of changing it later for better foreshadowing.

It's interesting that you mention the second scene as being a better starting point.  I had started there originally, and the feedback from my first readers was that that scene introduced too many characters and world elements at once, similar to your next point of feedback.  So I added this scene, took advantage of the tutor to add a rough sketch of foreshadowing, and let there be a scene focused mostly on Miki before it blossomed with others.  After this feedback, however, I'm not sure the scene I chose is the best one to do it, and there might be another that would work as well without some of the problems this one entails.

Your link looks interesting.  I'll give it a more thorough perusal as soon as I find the time.

Initially, I wrote him as really unreliable : he has things to hide that I didn't reveal until mid book. I understand it's a little untenable with a POV character, so I'm rewriting him to share more of his secrets. I still haven't told you all of them, hence the "consequences" part. If you feel I should reveal more, I'm open to suggestions.

Personally, I usually don't like that.  I gather others people in general find it off-putting also.  However, if you need to have it, I have a couple of suggestions.  One is to show the consequences that are most important to Onmk, which may not be the ones that hit hardest with the reader.  For example, if something bad at work potentially causes 10,000 people to lose their jobs, and as a result mine is one of them... then sure, I'll be sad about the other people, but mostly upset about the consequence to me.  The other option is to hang a lantern on it somehow, so it doesn't feel like it's just an authorial oversight or vagueness, which is how it reads to me now.

@cjhuitt : In fact, the entity Onmk was extracted from Ciera's memories. He experienced all she experienced for the last 15 years, so he knows her really well. On the other hand, he has a mind of his own and doesn't understand all that she does or feel. For the POV problems you felt, some of them might stem from his intimate knowledge of her. In other instances, I may have slipped. I'll check them out.
[...]
For Onmk's change of attitude, he doesn't have much of a choice. He has to back down or she'll never do what he asks.

Part of what read oddly to me was his behavior.  He supposedly knows her so well, and yet he is completely unable to use that knowledge to get her to do what he wants.  He could remind her of every time she did something other than return stuff that ended up badly.  He could make emotional pleas, he could do whatever.  Instead, he tries to argue her into it, with no indication that the arguing works well other than a passing reference to the Memories.  She certainly doesn't act like arguing works well.

You might be able to improve this by emphasizing either how little he remembers, or how old it was, or something.  Possibly more reinforcement of how flighty he -- oooh, shiny!

Ahem.  Or, it might be better portrayed with the previous chapters, which again I have missed.

As a side-note, I felt like Ciera gave up her anger too quickly when showing it to someone else was mentioned.

His mentioning of the cipher was a very dumb mistake on his part, he should have realized it would backfire on him.

In general, I like mistakes, and if his nature makes him quickly changeable, then this fits right in.

@hubay...
For your suggestion, I'll try to have a short viewpoint of him sooner. I might have to break my 1 chapter = 1 POV structure to do it, but it might work better. Thanks for mentioning it!

My thoughts on this: Structure is nice, but don't let it get in the way of a good story.  Also, this is a great time to put it in and see how it works.  If you figure out it's needed, then you can figure out how to structure it.  If it isn't needed, well, the problem rather solves itself.

Hurrah!  One in which I've read at least one previous chapter.

I'm going to start with a very minor nitpick -- at the start of paragraph 3, "acolyte's" shouldn't be possessive.

Speaking of acolytes, I'm uncertain as to what is expected from their behavior.  Again, this may have been covered by previous chapters, or it may just be the worldbuilding you've done contrasting with my usual expectations, which isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as it's consistent.  That said, in the third paragraph Albione refers to acolytes thinking discipline would make him an early riser.  Would acolytes think this?  Or more importantly, even if they thought it amongst themselves, would they change their behavior to their (presumably) superiors?  This is also shown a bit later on, when the acolyte that delivered the package to Albione sighs when Albione questions him.  To me, that doesn't seem like something one would do to their superior.  This might be explained by an increasingly negative opinion of Albione himself, but if so you might need to provide some contrast and support; acolytes being helpful to others and resisting or ignoring Albione would be one way.

One sentence, of confusing form, the Yoda Arrangement, appeared in the text.  OK, more seriously at one point Albione is thinking of the painting of his family emblem, the sentence describing it was really confusing to me.  "One, of his family emblem, the Silver Gauntlet, hung on the opposite wall."  I had to read it a few times to parse what was being said, then I couldn't help myself but to make a comment in similar form to refer to it.

How much information about the murder of Albione's parents to we need to know?  I'm not suggesting taking any of it out, exactly, but wanted to make sure that it plays a part in the story, and particularly here.  Looking just at this scene, when he's thinking of his parents, it might be more effective to just refer to their untimely death instead of providing more details.  On the other hand, if the information helps drive Albione's actions later, or is even more important somehow, it's good to get a glimpse of it early, and we're still early enough in the story to absorb background information as needed.

Justicars.  I assume there are rumors about them and how they work.  That said, Albione seems very certain about what happens when Justicars get involved.  If the people just disappear, however, how does he know what interactions they have with the Justicar beforehand?  Albione may fear that this is what is happening, but it is written as if he knows for a fact that is how they do things.

After reading the note, Albione thinks that this is how his temple service will come to an end.  To me, this overboard unless supported by previous chapters.  Would merely getting an invitation to a banquet of honor, or receiving a horn trophy that he had not sought, be enough to have him removed from the temple?  Surely his superiors wouldn't punish someone quite so severely for another's actions, even if his own had enabled them.  It especially seems overboard to me in that he has the option he immediately takes, of showing it to his superiors and explaining that he didn't seek it and doesn't plan on going.  I think it would be more effective to detail the specific punishments he might be likely to receive.  Especially if he then decides to show it to Brother Pate not to avoid the punishments, which he might decide he could live with anyway, but because he believes it his duty to expose the agents in the temple.

(As an aside, it would be great if for some other, more important reason, he ended up at that dinner anyway.  It'll be tough with a vow of seclusion, but make his life horribly harder after.)

In Brother Pate's office, Albione says "I did not solicit this Superior".  I was initially confused what Superior referred to, thinking it might be a class of invitation to banquets of honor, or the horn, before I realized it was addressing his comments to Brother Pate.

Brother Page laughing doesn't seem to be in the same character as I recall in the previous chapter.  Of course, maybe the previous one had him more severe than earlier in the book, due to the necessity of punishing Albione.

When with his superiors -- and I haven't really seen him with his peers much yet -- Albione sure isn't very talkative.  Many times you refer to his mind going blank, or words deserting him.  You might want to use different phrases, or just cut out some of the specific references and have pauses in the other person's speech.  I get the impression that Albione is overwhelmed to the point of not being able to do anything when he is with superiors, and I doubt that's the impression you want, although it might be.

Also during dialog, and especially with Brother Pate, you have a lot of minor movements scattered throughout the dialog.  Individually, all of them read just fine, but taken together I wonder if some could be removed, and trust to the reader to supply natural motions along with the dialog.  You'd want to leave some especially characteristic ones, and those that have a bearing on the dialog or scene, but many of them didn't seem to do so.  Here, while talking, Brother Pate:

frowned, set the letter down, raised an eyebrow and laughed, placed the letter under a stack of other documents and stood, narrowed his eyes, walked around the desk and crossed his legs while he leaned on it, held Albione's gaze and shook his head, frowned and leaned back against the desk again, stepped to Albione's side and crossed his arms, walked back to his desk and selected a quill pen, smiled at Albione, scrunched his face and squinted at Albione, and sat in his chair and cleared his throat.

  He also:

turned his face to stone and held up the letter, leaned closer to Albione, pointed the pen at Albione, and wrote on the blank paper he had placed in front of him.

  To me, the last set conveys more about the scene and story than the first set does.

Things I think could be good foreshadowing: Albione forced to decide to heal a night elf for some reason, Albione forced to break his vow of seclusion for some reason, and bad things happening during Albione's seclusion period (since he interpreted Rook-Sha as saying it will go well, when she said it will be more successful than he thinks).

The middle section, with Brother Pate talking to Ernan.  I wondered how much of it was truly necessary.  It's kind of nice to see that they've got their own plans for Albione, but it might introduce more tension otherwise.  I guess it's hard to saw without reading the rest of the story.

The last bit of the middle section confused me.  It seems as if they thought his nobility was a bad thing, or a cause to make him defect, when it seems like it was a family tradition to be in the temple.

In the last section, summaries usually arrive rather that come, unless they can move on their own.  Also, how seriously did Albione want stories and songs of his exploits?  If he was serious, he should probably be less dismayed than he is.  If he daydreamed about it, however, I would expect a different word than wanted.  Or a softening, like he thought he wanted.

Is Albione used to fancy settings and fragrances?  If not, they would probably emphasize the unusualness of where he is, rather than make him relax.  Unless there's a little added something to the incense.

Charom taking him through Rook-Sha's quarters:  Are the couches important?  If not, they seem an odd detail to note.  Also, Charom pauses in front of an open hallway to announce that Rook-Sha usually receives visitors here, which to me means the open hallway, which would be odd.

You describe specifics of what is on the table before saying it all blurred together for Albione.  If that is the case, you might emphasize one aspect of it, like the colors, while leaving out the forms and identifications.  Otherwise, it makes it seem like he was suddenly overcome by something.

Two servants enter to serve food, but only one does anything before they leave.

Why does the table appear larger?  Is it actually larger than it first appeared?  Or is he feeling the effects of some sort of soporific that is making his senses wacky?

Finally, I'm left wondering if everything the Mouth of Alazon says is actually true, or if that's Albione's cultural thoughts.  It could be both, of course, which would be even more fun.  By this point I really look forward to things going wrong during his seclusion.

I'll throw my hat into the ring for this coming week, if it's not already too late.

Just to be clear, it's around 4000 words, right?

Fair warning, I haven't read the previous chapters.

I liked the officers feeling superior due to the way they get drunk.

After Jhuz sends the officers out, Zaisha and Ezlio stay, and one of them talks about Falcons.  It may be that it's obvious to someone who has read the previous chapters, but I didn't know who was speaking there.

After he starts talking with Zaisha, Jhuz "sat down on the air."  Is that a typo, or something I'm missing from earlier?

Other than that, I think it read very well.  Of course, I may be missing a huge tone shift or something -- how would I know?  Still, enjoyable on its own.

I should preface this by saying I'm coming at this chapter cold.  I haven't read the previous four.

Is there a difference between standard minutes and other minutes?  At the start, five minutes until the destination is announced.  At the bottom of that page, Darkclaw is told ten minutes until arrival.

I wonder how much of the first two paragraphs are necessary.  It's hard to say until further into the story.

On the second page, you say the throne room's majesty befits the High Lord, but it's barely described.  Was it described earlier?  Even if so, some more details would help here.

If the High Lord can read Darkclaw's mind, why did he need to announce the imminent arrival?  Also, the High Lord does a lot of explaining.  From the ambiance, I kind of expected more ordering and less explaining -- or possibly explaining after the fact.

The explaining actually seems to be a pandemic among the characters in charge in this chapter.

Would Darkclaw take a comm message in the High Lord's chamber?  Isn't that kind of like taking a cell call in the middle of a meeting with the president?  Besides that, Darkclaw should be able to discern the purpose of the call without taking it, since he had ordered it.

Nitpick: "A split second later, the High Lord vanished."  This could just be "The High Lord vanished", or even "He vanished" if you use pronouns for the High Lord.

Darkclaw seems to be in charge of things, but it doesn't read much like a military to me, or even like he's a ship captain, despite giving orders.  At the top of page 5 (in my program),  Darkclaw nods to the officer who executes his command.  Also, Praetor Keeneye questions his orders as soon as they meet.  Darkclaw doesn't react as I would expect a superior, but more as a teacher or priest, explaining how things will work.

Being given a mental map to get through the station was nice.

Do you want to know spelling errors?  At one point you use "moths" instead of "months".

Darkclaw is to collect genetic material, but not his own.  I assume this is for the clones, but it comes after the instructions for what the clones will do, which is a little confusing for me.  The specific instructions for Darkclaw to not use his own genetic material make me wonder and speculate as to why, and what could go wrong.  That's a nice touch.