Timewaster's Guide Archive

[A]re content tags supposed to be for the work as a whole or just what's being submited now? Because what I'll be sending this Monday has no violence or language whatsoever, but there definitely will be some notable violence later in the story, and possibly some swearing as well, though most of that will probably be in the style of "fantasy swearing."

I assumed it was just the particular submission.  That is what I did, last time, anyway.

Caleb

Since nobody else has spoken up, I can send another chapter Monday as well.

I just realized exactly how hectic and busy this next week will be, so I'm going to hold back and not submit anything for this week (or the next, probably).  I like getting feedback, but it would drive me nuts to know there might be feedback waiting that I can't get to yet.

I finally found the time to put together my thoughts on this one.

I'll agree with the others on the tension issue.  Even before I read your comments, I realized this was supposed to set up how well the Trodoons were doing, so it becomes difficult to establish tension through that.  One way might be to send other fleets off without Darkclaw, so we have to wait for the results, but that doesn't seem in the character of this story.  Another might be to play up the possibility of other ships leaving; if Darkclaw is truly concerned about word getting out, that should be the primary focus of his attention throughout the battles.

Along those lines, what's to stop any old ship from showing up, realizing somethings going on, and turning tail?  Something like that is hard to prevent... so I'd have Darkclaw worrying over it, and coming up with contingency plans, or something like that.

At the beginning, Darkclaw has learned "little that would be of tactical use".  I doubt any library would have that little of information, especially for a race that knows little of the rest of the universe at all.  What I would believe, however, is that he can't recognize the information that would be tactically valuable, and that which won't, so he's got to go through it all and try to remember it all.  There should also be a lot of strategic information, loads and loads, which probably couldn't be completely covered in three years, let alone months.

Darkclaw thinks that the Alliance navy won't be able to resupply ships as quickly as his station, even though they have all those shipyards.  I realize that Selixan station is large and cool, but first of all, one station, no matter how big, wouldn't be able to keep up with a variety of other shipyards, many of which are probably stations or planet-based (that is, have more or less equivalent resourced and manpower).  Second of all, if it can crank out ships that quickly (and crew, but clones cover that aspect), Darkclaw should probably wait a bit longer and build up a larger force.  Having them in hand is more valuable than replacements, generally speaking, although you'll want replacements eventually as well.

Darkclaw also thinks that they'll change the destiny of the galaxy in a few short hours.  I wasn't thinking the planets were quite that close together, even through hyperspace.  If that is the case, I would expect traffic between most planets nearly every day, so it would become quite obvious if some planets suddenly dropped off communications.

A passing reference to the high command being non-cloned made me wonder if the cloned troops have any special powers, either.

Praetor Keeneye asks about the Reathan system in the middle of the briefing.  However, Darkclaw started the briefing by saying they were going to take Reathan, so that seemed odd to me.

After developing the detailed plans for the other two systems, Darkclaw just waves his hands and says, in effect, Reathan isn't worth even planning?  No military commander would ever do that, especially not one that developed such specific plans for the other systems.  At the very least, they'd say their plan is to come in close to the planet and bombard it.

Also about the planning, I don't know if we need the detailed plans given to us, plus all the battles.  One or the other should be fine, with a summary or reference to the rest.

When they are ready to start, Darkclaw orders the crew to battle stations.  Even if it only takes a couple hours through hyperspace to get there, that's too early.  At most, they need to be in stations fifteen minutes early (maybe a bit more, if they have checklists to go through), so the call to stations should be 30 minutes or so before arrival.  And if your hyperspace travel is such that you can get between systems in a half-hour or less, that implies it's a morning's jaunt to go visit someone (or bring in food, medical supplies, what-have-you), and I'd expect an almost continuous stream of people traveling.  Heck, you could almost live on one world and work on another if that's the case (except perhaps for the power required for the ship to cover hyperspace).

The battles seemed a little drawn out, but I think that's because there was so much in a row.  A short break to another viewpoint somewhere in there might be nice.

When Darkclaw was watching through Shadowpath's visor (or whatever), Darkclaw mentions seeing from the point of view of a shadow on the floor.  Whatever the Trodoon abilities are, I was surprised that the technology seems to work with an effect like that.

Darkclaw with the President: I assume the energy sword was a regular weapon, and not the reason for Darkclaw's name?  You set up the beginning with Blackspike's spikes not being as black as Darkclaw's claw, so I was half-expecting to see the claw come out.  Also related to this, why did Darkclaw even have to go down to the planet?  He could have communicated through a viewscreen if he needed to be personally involved, but he basically wastes time in a shuttle going down and coming back, plus finding where they are, all so he can just behead a guy and get the next one to cooperate?  That's why moderately-high level henchmen are for, and Blackspine should have been able to handle it no sweat.  Even if he needed orders from Darkclaw to do so.

The commander of the opposing fleet in the second battle (Zyan) did not use good tactics at all in his situation.  Now, people do make mistakes, but assuming he could see the ships coming at him, and what they were doing, he should have had ships either going full-bore the opposite direction, or have his whole fleet scatter in an attempt to get at least one ship out and away to warn the alliance navy.  In fact, you state that they noticed the stealthed ships already; they may think they have the battle in hand, but seeing stealthed ships appear should ring an alarm that says "send information about this to other systems".  He really should have had at least a few ships headed out just in case when that happens.  (In fact, that could be used to build tension, if Darkclaw shows up to see at least some ships headed away from him.)

By the time we got to the end, I was happy to see an unexpected patrol show up.  They'll probably be wiped out, but if they were smart they'd do an immediate U-turn and head for reinforcements.

As for the magic, I can see it being a problem if it's completely unpresent in the story, if only because it will give readers a false impression of what your story's about and the second novel will confuse them. The only writer i know who got away with that kind of setup was Martin, and that's only because he puts it in the very beginning and the very end of the story. If you can pull that off, congratulations. But I have to think it will be hard to do.

There are worse writers to aspire towards than Martin, in my opinion.  But you are right that it would be hard to do.  Right now I don't need to worry about it, because I'm not sure yet that I would write the sequel, or that the sequel needs magic.  It's just one of the ideas floating around in my head.  (Actually, in a file on my computer.)

I was totally confused when the older gal spoke up and said she achieved her goal. It took me a second to realize it was all an enactment. That's not a bad thing. I just had to go back up and read again to realize it was a test. Once that clicked, I think I appreciated everything much more. You set it up well.

I do think I could smooth that part out a little bit.  I have to avoid too much editing on that part right now, though.  Too much else to get worked up for various critiques, not to mention other things (like cramming for the Hugo vote).

I don't have much else to say - I'd read more just to find out more about Sancha.

That's very nice to know.

How should we go about sending our critiques?

Are you asking about sending the work to be critiqued?  Or about sending the critique on someone else's work?

For the first, hubay's answer is essentially correct, with caveats.  See the Welcome... post at http://www.timewastersguide.com/forum/index.php?topic=6850.0 for more details.

For the second, that's what the other threads are for -- the ones with date, username, and title.  The comments on other people's works are supposed to be added to the appropriate discussion topic for that author and chapter (the dates help figure out which chapter was read when, for those like me that sometimes remember times better than names).

I'll start off by saying I thought this chapter was easier to follow than the last (one of the drawbacks of jumping into the middle).

Right off the bat I got various details that intrigued me.  The first was a watchmaker/repairman being one of the main characters, partially because it places the time period a little later than I had previously assumed.  The next was that the Mother's body talked to Lorn.  I'm sure this event was covered previously, but it made me take closer notice.

Dialects in text can be hard.  For me, Darl's was a struggle to read with all the dropped 'G's in his sentences.  This mostly struck me at the beginning of the chapter.   I think you did less of it later on.  On the other hand, I thought Fit's occasional use of "me" instead of "I" was well done.  (I think it was Fit speaking those times.)

Speaking of those two, there were a number of places where I got confused as to which of them was speaking.  This was usually because you would have one speak, describe the motions of both or just the other, then have the first speak.  Alternately, I think once you described the motions of the first, then had the second speak.  In each case, both dialogue texts would be in the same paragraph.

Along similar lines, there were a few places I thought text could be rearranged or cut for better effect.  Almost all of these came as actions interspersed with the dialog, to the point that, for me, the dialog was slowed down too much and didn't flow well.  If you would cut what you can and group the actions and thoughts together more where you can, I think it would be improved.  (One example is near the beginning, where Lorn thinks the two are loyal, but not thinkers, says what the Mother must have done, then thinks again about the two of them not surviving long without him.  If instead the parts about the two others were together, then the revelation, it would make more sense to me.)

Fit saying "we can't go through the gate", phrased like that, made me think he was just repeating the obvious.  Perhaps that's what you want, but I would guess you might want something more like "we can't even get through the gate".

Also in that section, Fit and Darl look down often.

How do they know they'll need a written map before they know how much detail there is to the sewers?

I liked the paragraph with watch details, but I personally thought there were a couple unnecessary details; for example, what happened to cause the watch to rust.  To me, it's enough that it has rusted on the inside, but nobody will care how much gets changed as long as it looks the same.

At the end of that section, Lorn's introspection seemed a little off to me.  I've started using the character responses I learned about from Jim Butcher's blog at http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/2880.html and I think it has helped me do better with them.

Darl and Fit return to a common room, which immediately makes me think of an inn, although I doubt they would be plotting (or Lorn repairing watches) in an inn.  I could be wrong.

I wondered how common iron grates over sewer outlets were historically, and if a city would install them as mentioned.  After all, if everything is falling a couple yards/meters/spans before hitting the sewer pipe anyway, why worry about fishes?  Also, the word "conduit" is very modern, to me, which didn't help immediately after thinking about grates.  Later on, I also wonder why there would be two grates on the end of the pipe.

Dialog tags.  It was most obvious with Darl, who (besides said) mocked, answered (x2), laughed (x2), and replied (x6).  I know the others did a lot of this as well.

Finally, Lorn climbs into the library and cuts his hands all up -- with sewer slime on them.  To me, this seems like an instant recipe for infections and illness.  I hope something goes wrong because of it.

First of all, I know that I tend to find the things I don't like, and not comment as much on what I do.  There are many parts in this where my comments are sparse, so if I don't mention something, assume I liked that part.  There are a couple pages in the middle where I didn't note anything to myself to come back to later; I assume I was just too absorbed in the story for those.

I'll start with Ezlio and the quills.  I wonder how common knowledge of his quills are, since he's taking the time to explain them to Jhuz.  However, he says that conventional wisdom about the quills is whatever, and I thought they wouldn't be well known enough to have conventional wisdom.  Also, if this is the end of act two, it seems a little late (but not horribly so) for the reader to be learning more about the abilities.

Do the quills only go straight out from Ezlio's body?  They're only described as straight out in this chapter.  If so, they may not be as useful for blocking things as he thinks.

Later in the chapter, Jhuz gets mad at Ezlio for mentioning his father.  It would be neat if Ezlio is doing this on purpose to get Jhuz used to hearing it, and less reactive when it comes to his father.  Or to learn how he reacts to it.  Either one would be useful for a good bodyguard, because somehow who can be incited to act instinctively (through rage) can be harder to guard, and easier to expose for attacks.

If I were Lexio, I wouldn’t let a man under me who’s drink a drop of wine tonight.

This sentence didn't make much sense to me when I first read it.

Regarding Lexio, and the conversation with him.  Did Jhuz never think, after Lexio revealed his metsi, that Lexio was sensing his own weakness and using it to construct a reasonable story?  If not, I did, and it might make the story we're reading far more interesting.

Regarding the story of the man killed for meeting with two guilds... even with those facts being true, just them could be enough to make an Emperor cautious.  It could be just acting for the good of the people, but it could be someone setting themselves up as the hero of the people, an entirely different prospect.  And once I thought this, I would say that you have a pretty good story and worldbuilding going if I'm thinking things like that about what may have really happened in a story related from one character to another.

Ezlio seems to be at odds with Jhuz a fair amount, and seems like he should have known how Jhuz reacts to the mention of his father.  That makes me speculate about whether Ezlio is doing little things like this on purpose, and I could think of a couple cool ideas.  The best one is trying to figure out how Jhuz reacts to different situations, in order to know how to protect him better.  However, it would be even better for protection if Jhuz could be desensitized to the mentions, since if he flies upward in rage at when his father is mentioned, all someone has to do to attack him is mention his father, and suddenly Jhuz isn't (directly) protected by Ezlio anymore.

The missing egg: Is this a detail Jhuz would have noticed?  I have to assume so.  If he's leader of these men, is it a detail he should have followed up on or made a bigger deal out of?

With the moss on his armor... shouldn't Jhuz have made sure his armor is good before telling the troops to shape up?  Wouldn't he at least look at it before doing so?

For the end... in the last chapter, there was a passing reference to Jhuz seeing something that to me was an invisible person... I don't remember the exact details just now, but I read it as Jhuz knows people can be invisible.  Then at the end of this chapter, he sees stuff moved around and footprints, and he doesn't immediately think "invisible person"?

Also, I could be wrong, but an attack with a chair seems like it would be a lot less likely to succeed than many other options.  I don't know how light the chair is, or how big the tent, but to do a lot of damage it would have to have weight behind it.  The way the chapter ended, I'm expecting Jhuz to have been knocked out, or dazed at a minimum, which means it needs the weight.  That means someone is either really strong and quick, or Jhuz should have had more reaction time when the chair started moving.  A safer way for an invisible person to attack would probably have been to run around any obstacles, get behind the person, and try to choke them.  About as good would be to use the desk as a launch to send their own (invisible) body at Jhuz.

Finally, Jhuz is a commander.  I don't know how long; the text makes it sound recent, but also like he's had some training in command, so I assumed a recent elevation to that level of command.  People with experience of command in a modern army, or most historical arms I've known of, would immediately step out and call for people to capture the intruder.  Instead, Jhuz grabs for his belt knife.  That would be good if it was his only option, but there should be sentries, bodyguards, or something nearby he could use to help him.

There you go.  A bit long, but it seems you've had a wait for it anyway, so hopefully this is worth it.