I'm finally going to post to your Rebirth threads. I promised to give you some feedback on it, so here goes. I haven't read the prologue or chapter 2 yet, so I may be giving useless junk.
Starting from the bottom, does Medora pant out the last line because she's going through withdrawals of calming serum? If it does what the label says, what's bad about it? Just the principle of being addicted to something, regardless of its usefulness? Does she run (illogically, as others have pointed out) because of this? I don't think that the chapter needs that line to end strongly. Yes, it adds a little bit of action, but we don't get to see what happens. If she got away successfully, please let us know. Conversely, cut it as soon as she sees Haiden.
Why did she think that she had to fight Haiden? Does the Confirmatio0n involve physical or verbal sparring? I didn't understand why she was so afraid of the guy. He hasn't seen her in ten years, and she's still young, right? Would he recognize her? How was/is he trying to destroy everything?
Medora could practically feel that Haiden's voice repeating it.
I felt that this should be a metaphor (eg.
Medora felt Haiden's voice echoing from her childhood, crushing her in a landslide of uncertainty...). I wouldn't point it out such a specific instance, but I think that the entire chapter could use less directness. IMO, cutting down some of the extraneous sentences and inserting more (I know there are some
) powerful metaphors, extended and simple, would make this passage not only publishable, but top-shelf character-driven fantasy. Depending on where the rest of the book goes, of course.
I don't know why Daijah, Medora, and Haiden feel/act the way they with each other. What's their history like? What makes their relationships the way they are? Haiden/Medora seems pretty clear, but I don't know what makes Daijah and Medora so close.
Having been a princess, would Medora have dismissed the idea of a conspiracy so easily? She seems pretty paranoid, but her massive swings in logic (or swings from use to disuse of her mind) don't make sense to me. I found myself wondering throughout if her mercurial behavior was related to lack of serum. If she thinks/acts this way without it, maybe she needs it more than she thinks.
I saw the swords, but the sheathes were in the way.
Why does Medora seem so surprised by Daijah's offer to help if they're BFFs?
“...I prefer my Me’ra alive and well. Personally speaking.”
I was a bit weirded out by this. She refers to Medora possessively, which hit me in the side of the head like a brick. What? Are they lovers, or is the kind of discussion they've been having more intimate to them than it seems to me? "Personally speaking"? If she's referring to Medora in the possessive form, does she need to add that she's talking about Medora her friend, not Medora the politician?
Her undercover name doesn't seem to undercover.... Is it pride? Is the name actually different from her real name in meaning? Is the name more like a commoner's when she adds the contraction? Is it not supposed to be a false name?
Random aside: how do these girls live? Obviously, the people in their district at least like Medora (hence her election), but how does she eat? Is she a career politician? If so, are they common in this world?
Daijah grabs a dude's wrists! I was expecting her to throw him! Alas, no kung-fu for me.