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« on: September 13, 2010, 03:32:16 AM »
I think most of what I'd put in has been said already. You really should work on descriptions a little, if it's not your strong suit then the only way you'll be able to write them is by, well, writing them. A lot. I have the same problem; usually when I finish writing a chapter the way I naturally want to, I end up embellishing everything afterwards to make it more interesting. The general sense I get from your two chapters so far is that the setting is russian-, or at least east european-inspired. If you work on that and inject the flavor here and there I think it will go a long way to helping your story.
I'll also add that I didn't get LotR at all. I did get a little bit of KJ parker's Devices and Desires– where you have a technologically and numerically under matched defender fighting the massive empire, as well as a few comic books with future tech in medieval settings. I think your generals took a little too much time explaining guerrilla warfare. Obviously, a general won't just say "oh, we'll use guerrilla tactics" and leave it at that. But if they have any experience they should be able to sum it up a little faster.
Lastly, while you might not be channeling tolkien, it's possible there's a hint of mark twain in there (a yankee in king arthur's court). the way you gave information about the emperor made me think he's either from the future or some sort of alien. It's obvious he's feeding his subjects advanced technology at a rate otherwise impossible, the only question is how. The first thing I thought of was a Justice League bit where they fight a WWII where the nazis are armed with sci-fi weapons. This might not be where you were going with that, but the short bit you hinted at smelled very strongly of that sort of premise.
All things considered, it's not terrible, but it's been done before and if that's the case I was able to pick up on it early on. If you were hoping for a big reveal later in the book you'll have to work much harder than that, but if it's just an obvious plot point you should probably take care of it sooner rather than later, otherwise it might drag on. Of course if I'm wrong it works as a good red herring and you can ignore the last two paragraphs.