June 29 - Blade of the Fallen - Chapter 12

[swaindaddy]

Rip it up here. First draft and all that jazz - ignore grammmar...

[RavenstarRHJF]

Ok, the main thing with this chapter is that your transitions between scenes are weak- at times, almost to the point of nonexistence.  There's a lot of information here (yay!), but it's so much that I would almost split this into two chapters- one for the traveling portion, and one for the training portion.

Other than that, the interactions between characters still need a lot of work.  You're getting the main points across, but it's very rough. 

One thing that still bothers me is the non-sequitur of Garrik and Dren's characters- grown physically but still emotionally underdeveloped.  At this point, although you've told us why that is, I can't help thinking that the average reader is just going to think that you're inconsistent.  Something that would help a great deal is just having Karrys or one of the others simply ask about the seeming inconsistency.  It would add something to Garrik's journey of self-discovery if it was pointed out to him early on, and then he could spend the rest of the book trying to figure out how to counteract it.  But that is only a suggestion- just thought I should let you know it's still a (minor) problem for me.

Good job!  I look forward to them finally getting to the capital!

[swaindaddy]

Good points. I think the main thing to remember is that as a first draft my goal is to get down the initial plot.

Character development suffers at this expemse but a price I am willing to pay to finish the manuscript.

Where this helps is in the rewrite (which is the point of all this aid!) and so far, your contributions have been most helpful as to what I need to focus on there.

In the final draft this journey will take another couple chapters in which the training elements and characters are explored much more fully. Thanks for the input as usual!

[swaindaddy]

I am envisioning a scene between either Tul and Karrys or Karrys and Vardis as they discuss the imature nature of Dren and Garrik as orphans living on the streets. Grown men but emotionally and mentally stunted in many ways.

What do you think?

[RavenstarRHJF]

Sounds like that would work admirably!  Honestly, as long as it's addressed in character, it should be fine. 

[Flo_the_G]

I think most of the issues I found are due to your wish to get down the plot and finish the first draft. But while I do get that impatience, you should take care not to overdo it. In this chapter, it seemed very much as though the plot were driving the characters, to the point that they were all rather flat and - in parts - unrealistic.

Garrik, for instance, is overly emotional, going from anger to tears and back within a few seconds, with no transition being apparent. Which would be fine, if that were a constant state. However, he then is perfectly content to let Vardis tell him everything in his own time. What I'm getting at is that if the characters were in fact driving the plot, that whole scene might have gone into an entirely different direction, so you might want to reign in the impatience a bit.

In contrast, the "infodump" (which it wasn't, really) about the Will and such was very nicely done. It fitted in perfectly, and felt as if it was something that had to be said, not something the author felt the reader should probably know at this point.  I think you're handling setting and such quite well overall, first draft or no.

You should consider making the part where Garrik controls the will slightly shorter. By the time your buildup to the branch snapping is done (and the branch snaps), it's quite obvious what will happen, and Vardis' explanation on top of that is fairly unnecessary. So maybe lose one of the sentences describing Garrik's anger and let him realise on his own what Vardis did. You're probably going to completely change that when rewriting anyway, I know, it's just such a pivotal scene that I thought I should point it out.

And to end with a minor issue, you should probably reword the description of how the necklace works. As is, one might think that it conceals Garrik's eyes from everyone but himself, which would make him quite dense for not realising the implications somewhat earlier.


The additional scene you propose sounds good, I'd recommend you put Vardis in it. That way you could better establish that everyone trusts him. Otherwise their letting him wander off with the heir to train him would have appeared somewhat reckless.^^

[swaindaddy]

Great help here Flo! I appreciate your insight. I agree with all of it and will definatley use it as I sharpen up the first draft.

You're right, the use of the Will is an integral scene and so I must handle it with care and precision. I will take into account the anger issues and the emotional elemenst regarding Garrik. I'm trying to find a balance of a kid who has probably never developed emotionally but is about 19 or 20.

Good stuff - keep it coming!

[Silk]

This Vardis so far seems like quite a departure from the Vardis that we saw in the prologue. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, but I don't know what you intended.

Vardis describes one of the wards on the necklace as one that "hides the fact that [Garrick's] eyes are red". I'd thought the Rite had turned Garrick's eyes red?

I had a bit of a jolt when Vardis described Garrick as a monk. For me, the word "monk" is associated with long training and practice.

I wasn't too sure about using magic to "fix" Bones here. Maybe it was just the placement in with all the other magic stuff, but it didn't really work for me. Also, one or two of the lines in this scene kind of created some bathos that I don't think you intended (did you know, I think it's impossible to make the word bathos into an adjective): Vardis doing some dramatic magical thing and then the line "the problem seems to be with the pup's stomach" comes along and jerks me right out of it. I don't know why, but it did. I wonder if this scene as a whole might work a little better if instead of using magic to "heal" Bones, Vardis gives him the oclot after the fact to keep him out of future trouble. Or whatever. Then again, the scene might also work somewhere else where there's not so much magic explainy going on.

By the way, if I'm adding this up right it's taken two days to reach Threecastle. That's an awfully short journey.

Again, the only thing I can really say is to second what Raven and Flo are saying - you can take more time and probably should. I think Flo's spot on when she says it feels liek the plot is driving the characters, and it should feel  the other way around.

Hmm... Flo makes an interesting point about the others trusting Vardis...so now I have to wonder, why DO they trust him? They really have no reason to, so far as we know.  Unless it has something to do with the order of monks he belongs to or something. In which case, it wouldn't take much to slide that in. Have the characters show him a little more reverence when they realize he is what he claims. Or whatever.

[swaindaddy]

what I have not made clear (based on critique so far) is that a new King is born with Red eyes.

The "Rite of Eyes" is a process set in motion by the Frist Circle which rvia magic andomly selects a king to rule. It is believed that Doraela's Will drives the selection as well.

The necklace was hiding the fact that Garrik's eyes have been red since birth. A situtuation that we will understand better in a couple chapters.

I will try to explain all of that more in my additional scenes I will add later.

Confusing, I know.