Hey Renoard,
I don't know if I have actually critiqued your past submissions, but I have read them all. This one is one of my favourites so far. I'm more interested in Sid'ri than Hahniel though, do we ever get her POV, or is it pretty much just from Hahniels'?
Here's a few grammar mistakes that I happened to notice:
He knew a few genuine tricks, he'd gotten from guardsmen and traveling entertainers during his years as a caravaner
I don't think you want the comma, or you want to add a "that", as well as a period
so Hahniel tossed his staff with a silent command
Need a period there buddy.
showed lot's of practice.
I think it's "lots" instead of "lot's" Unless Lot is coming into this story too...lol
Like Swaindaddy, I didn't notice any big things to improve on, but there were a few things that jarred me from the story a bit:
Using kubits is fine by me, I like having new and interesting measurments and such, but you seemed to describe every single building and alley and room and ceiling and tree and even rock angels with kubits! I was a little annoyed having to read the word in every other sentence(not literally of course, but you get it). So imo you could maybe tone down those descriptions, because in most writing, people don't say that "the tree was 10 metres tall", and "the room was fifty feet wide by thirty feet long". Just my opinion.
Also, you used the word "limned" twice in quick succession, and for me at least it was an unfamiliar word, and I humbly suggest perhaps using a different adjective for the Wraith, because you desribce him in that way, as well as the eyes of Ornan, but maybe it's deliberate. At this point as well you wrote
What remained was an angelic wraith glowing with a blue light
( my own emphasis) but you had just used the word wraith to describe a summoned demonic creature, so I'm wondering if you just mean a 'spirit' that can be either good or bad, good as denoted by the blue light. If you could explain that to me please, as it somewhat confused me while reading.
Also, Hahniel had a problem with drawing on the presence while in captivity to protect himself from harm or such, because it wasn't right of him to do so, but when he and Sidr'i are under attack, he summons it without a second thought or doubt. He doesn't even consider trying to fight without it. Now I didn't have a big problem with it, but I thought that it seemed a little inconsistent.
Still, very nice fight scene, I loved being able to see the presence in work, especially the Moses allusion with the cobra.
That is the highlight of your writing for me, is how original in fanatasy and uses the concepts of the Bible. I keep looking for different parallels or allusions to the Old Testament, it's great!
Anyhow, sorry for dragging on for a bit, but when I havn't reviewed for a while I tend to write a few massive ones when I get back into it. Great job and keep it up, looking forward to seeing where this goes.