All right. Â I know I'm going to regret this (Sprig and Tage, stop snickering.)
I'm not certain your analysis is accurate. Â I don't think it's unnatural for a male in our society to feel odd receiving an unexpected gift. Â You aren't 'damaged' because you are uncomfortable receiving gifts. Â We are acculturated to see gifts as something exchanged, and generally--between males--something done only in expected situations.
For instance, for me to bring home a random CD for one of my roommates would be odd. Â For me to offer to buy dinner when we're out to eat would not be. Â I think many males would see things this way. Â The mores of our society give men a gruff exterior, and while we're allowed to be generous, we usually don't buy 'gifts' for one another or do random acts of kindness for each other. Â As a society, we unconsciously see it a man's duty to protect and provide for women and children. Â If we transfer these duties to other men, it seems like a waste of effort.
EUOL and Spriggan are good examples. Both of them kind of squirm if I unexpectantly do something nice to them
I'm not certain if 'squirm' is the most appropriate term here. Â In fact, you have always been very fond of using marked linguistic terms in order to slant the language of your text. Â Regardless, again, I don't think this reaction is odd. Â I wish you could provide specific examples. Â However, I do think that many men would find it strange if your randomly did something unordinary kind for them--such as cleaning their room. Â Good or bad, it's simply a matter of our societal stereotype.
I think I have a fear of myself in that I might disappoint the person who is helping me. I speculate that Sprig and EOUL are more afraid that being helped might cost them they're independence.
Again, your choice of marked terms is undesirable. Â However, yes, you could say I'm 'afraid' of losing my independence--in the same way I'm 'afraid' of eating fish, since I don't like the taste. Â I enjoy doing things for myself. Â Overcoming challenges on my own makes my life more interesting, and gives me a greater thrill when I accomplish them. Â
Once again, I don't think that I am deviant in this behavior. Â Culturally, we value independence in our men, and we are socialized to act this way. Â Your fear of letting the person down also seems natural and normal. Â When someone gives us a gift we don't want, we generally try to use it anyway, so that they will gain satisfaction from thinking that we enjoyed their gift. Â We don't want people to feel bad for giving us the wrong gift.
Now, as for your own spontaneous acts of kindness, I think that you might want to consider the society in which we live, and think about how people are going to respond to your gifts/actions. Â Tell me--if you know doing a particular act will make someone uncomfortable, yet you insist on doing it anyway, are you really doing it out of 'kindness?' Â Or are you simply doing it because you want appease your own sensibilities, convincing yourself that you are indeed a nice person?
I am not trying to be offensive in any way. Â You wanted a therapy thread, so I am going to try and be as honest as I can. Â I often feel a lack of sincerity on your part, 42--now, I'm not saying that you are insincere. Â In fact, I think you are very sincere. Â However, you definitely *come off* the wrong way a lot of the time. Â I think this might be because of your critical nature--though you see yourself as a very kind person, others do not see you this way because you constantly put them down. Â It doesn't matter how many nice things you do for people--if you're telling them that they're fat, useless, and stupid while you're serving them, they aren't going to care how nice your actions are. Â You are very good about talking people up when they aren't around, but when you speak to them in person, you are generally negative and quick to point out their flaws.
An example of this can be found on this very thread. Â I assume you started it so that you could talk to your friends about important issues. Â However, you immediately began the thread with a very offensive threat about filing charges against them. Â Then, in your next post, you proceeded to begin explaining why Sprig and I are emotionally damaged. Â The negativity was so oppressive here that I left, never intending to look at it again. Â However, I'm always up for a good discussion, and I have learned to sense the sincerity behind your offensive language, so I came back anyway.