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Reading Excuses / Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« on: May 01, 2011, 06:42:38 AM »
LTU emailed me a critique when the website was down, so here's his thoughts:
Don't worry about the rape scene too much. If you're opening into a new chapter there are ways around it. They could discover the rape at the end of the last chapter, and then we skip to the future where they've killed the rapists. I will admit, flat out, that it will not be as impacting as going about with it. To be totally honest, either you should take a deep breath and go to that deep dark place you don't want to and write the scene, or you do something else. To be fair, the reason I did demonstrate Chalinae being rapped in my book is because I didn't want to do it either. So I can sympathize with you there.
"I don't like where this is going." - It's not a bad line, but it's one of those cliche things you can make sound a bit more clever with some time. "Our own hands." - This is another one of those lines. In a publication world, you're going to have to do better.
" . . . shove it . . ." - Now the line isn't bad, but it does strike me as anachronistic. Might just be me though.
Also, the reason a bee dies when it stings you is because the stinger stays in, thus leaving a hole in the body. The association between ethereal daggers and getting killed after stabbing someone because they're bee dudes doesn't really cross in my head. The idea is cool (the dagger thing) but it feels like a stretch to do ethereal daggers and death. They just don't mix. To me at least.
The actual chapter itself fells like it's going no where, but I know that's not true. Excitement followed by "boring stuff," that's probably more interesting then the "action," is what I think. I liked it. The birds and the feathers is pretty cool.
Don't worry about the rape scene too much. If you're opening into a new chapter there are ways around it. They could discover the rape at the end of the last chapter, and then we skip to the future where they've killed the rapists. I will admit, flat out, that it will not be as impacting as going about with it. To be totally honest, either you should take a deep breath and go to that deep dark place you don't want to and write the scene, or you do something else. To be fair, the reason I did demonstrate Chalinae being rapped in my book is because I didn't want to do it either. So I can sympathize with you there.
"I don't like where this is going." - It's not a bad line, but it's one of those cliche things you can make sound a bit more clever with some time. "Our own hands." - This is another one of those lines. In a publication world, you're going to have to do better.
" . . . shove it . . ." - Now the line isn't bad, but it does strike me as anachronistic. Might just be me though.
Also, the reason a bee dies when it stings you is because the stinger stays in, thus leaving a hole in the body. The association between ethereal daggers and getting killed after stabbing someone because they're bee dudes doesn't really cross in my head. The idea is cool (the dagger thing) but it feels like a stretch to do ethereal daggers and death. They just don't mix. To me at least.
The actual chapter itself fells like it's going no where, but I know that's not true. Excitement followed by "boring stuff," that's probably more interesting then the "action," is what I think. I liked it. The birds and the feathers is pretty cool.