Timewaster's Guide Archive

Thanks for the feedback! You might be right about some of those sections, we'll have to wait until we get feedback from some of the older members to see for sure.

If you want I can email you my old chapters, but here's a crash course in my magic/world:

Men are Faunametsi and women are Florimetsi, which is to say, men have animal familiars and women have plants. There are four types of metsi: Com (talking to that kind of plant/animal), Dom (controlling it), Mani- (manipulating the flesh or fibers of it) and Potemetsi, which is the most magical of the four. Potemetsi make up about a tenth of the population, and they can get powers from the familiar: birdmetsi fly, fishmetsi swim, ivymetsi walk on walls, aloemetsi heal, etc. Most people draw 'lesser' creatures like cows and dogs, or wildflowers and shrubbery. Predators, trees, and more 'exotic' wildlife are rarer, but they tend to be more powerful and therefore are the elites of society.

So one of the big problems, probably the biggest, in my world is how to refer to all the different types of metsi. The squiddies aren't actually squids, just people with squid familiars. But the way I'm writing right now, people refer to metsi colloquially as squiddies or birdies, with some of the more common ones having official names like the Herd and Hive. It's not very coherent, so I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!

Alright, then. I would suggest  you come up with a new name at some point. I think you could come up with words that relate to night and day, or have night/day connotations, without having to say 'elf.' I don't have any suggestions myself, but maybe once we've all read a few more chapters and have a better sense of your world we'll be able to help you out.

Alright, chapter 10! I introduce a new character here, so let me know what you think. He has a fox familiar, which intoduces a new kind of magic as well, so I'm curious what you think of both the ability and how I explain it.

Other than that, this chapter is all a huge build up for the next chapter, which is the first big battle of the book. It's a lot of discussion of tactics and such, so I'd appreciate any feedback on how good my planning sounds, and if it's all necessary/not enough.

Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch10 (L,V,S)

Summary
Jhuz had to kill one of his men yesterday because he was going to rape a prisoner. He's a little worried about the implications of that. They're still concened about food, low morale, and a possible mutiny.

This chapter:
Jhuz meets a new character, and a Nothroi host approaches. Tension in the war room, and Ezlio forces Jhuz to make a decision.

I've tried to describe your voice before, and I've always had trouble putting my finger on what seems off about it; I think I've finally figured it out. You alternate between very descriptive, almost poetic sentences – like how you start off this chapter – that are flowery and a bit dense at times. I think that half of your voice works. But then you also have this super-minimalist way of writing, not unlike Orson Scott Card's that you use for everything else. I think that half of your voice works too. But they don't work together, at least not the way you're currently writing. I think there's a lot of potential, because you can write concisely and clearly, but you also know how to embellish and describe. I think in terms of prose your greatest challenge is going to be marrying those two styles, and I think if you can do it successfully you'll have a really solid voice. That said, I don't have any advice for how you'd go about doing that, so, uh, good luck.

On to the story:

I really enjoyed seeing more of your story here, and I don't have much to critique you on. I like the description of the Labyrinth, and how you introduced the giant – before you talked about joints I thought she was just from a very tall race of people. There are a two things I'm confused about. First, did the nurse heal Jin? it seems like she left in a huff and didn't bother. If that's the case, I'd like to see a reaction from Jin or his mother, some indignation or something. If she DID heal him, then Jin should be satisfied that he's all better now.

The transition from the nurse leaving to the scene with the arcs is very abrupt, and I think this ties in to the reaction from Jin and company. It's like they've completely forgotten about the healing, or why they went down there  in the first place.

I also didn't completely understand what happened with the sparks. Everyone is impressed, which I get and like, but what did Jin actually accomplish? did he actually fix the problem, or is this just a big first step?

And lastly, I think it would make your worldbuilding/exposition go smoother if you mentioned Calorites in an earlier chapter, if only in passing, so it didn't seem like you were completely introducing a new element to your story.

I don't know about you, but I get a feeling of accomplishment when I finish a book. I know it kinda sounds silly. Seeing as I Had no part in writing the book.

It's like when you finish one of those gargantuan meals at restaurant – you know, like the hamburger the size of your head that you get for free if you eat it in one sitting. You didn't make the thing, of course, but you're pretty proud it's all in your belly now.

I don't think this analogy really applies outside of novel the size of Brandon's, though. Heh.

@Inkthinker: I think bittersweet is perfect. As much as you want closure, it's always a bit sad to know the story is never going to change, now. I think it's especially powerfull for fantasy readers, because we spend the space between books in a series imagining and fantasizing about how it's all going to happen – how plots will be resolved, how your favorite character will finally land his or her love interest or defeat the dark lord. Once you've read the real story, you realize all your little tales don't mean anything; this is how it happened.

Good advice, both of you. I think I'll try and increase the emotional impact of killing his own men on the rewrite. I'm going to keep plowing through with the plot, but as soon as I've figured out the opening sequence I'll probably re-submit.

@LTU: I'm not really sure the best way to the handle the bee thing (did I mention this in my email? I can't remember). I want it to work visually on the same level as Ezlio's quills – just with a very different end result. The death-for-a-death concept is pretty important to the Hive zealots, so I'm not going to ditch it. But if you guys think the delivery should be switched up I'm open to suggestions.

@akoebel: I'm having trouble fitting in Jhuz's view of the Chell right now, because everyone in the army kind of hates those guys and I'm really making them out to be the villains here. Thing is, most people in my world see them as a Good Thing, even if they're a bit creeped out by them. So everyone is a bit surprised by the attacks, and Jhuz's upbringing is such that he still assumes this is all a huge misunderstanding.

So what is everyone's impressions of the Chell been up to this point? I've been hinting at how they work with some of Jhuz's legaleese, and my goal is to keep you wondering what their motivations are, even if their actions are all cruel up to this point.

Makes sense.

It's back up now, anyways.