4-13-09 Renoard-WEIR-Flash Fiction

[Renoard]

This is an experiment for me.  I never learned to write short.

I look forward to your input.

If you got multiple copies of the submission, I apologize.  I found out too late that my smtp server will not allow this many recipients (to prevent spam).  On the plus side, the fact I'm just discovering it proves I don't spam. . .

[ryos]

It really should go without saying, but this post contains spoilers. If you read it before reading the submission, your reaction will be tainted by it. You have been warned.

This is a nice little take on the life of a lycanthrope, turning our assumed order of things on its head.

Things that were not clear on first reading:

- When you say "a grouse is flushed out..." the use of passive voice creates confusion. I assumed it was the wolf who had flushed the bird out, then when you went on to say "It is a cat..." I thought you were talking about the bird and I was all like, "Er, wait...isn't it a bird? Not a cat?" I finally realized what you meant, but it wasn't very clear.

- When does this poor beast sleep?

Things that were not clear on the second reading:

- What race are his children? Does he have wolf pups or man pups? Or does he have both? It's ambiguous in the story. You may have intended it that way, but I think it works better if we know. In fact, I think it would be cool if he has two families to support.

- Why do the humans trap and tranquilize him? If I were the MC, I'd be pissed. Just leave me be, right? I'm not hurting anyone...

Language issues:

- Your writing flows poorly, mostly due to a lack of commas, semicolons, and emdashes. The words themselves generally work well, but they frequently lack appropriate punctuation.

- I would normally scream and holler at the use of first person-present tense. In this context it works...sort of. Nevertheless, were I to be you, I'd rewrite it in first person-past tense and see which works better.

Stuff what don't work:

- The frequent references to "having a secret" don't quite work for me. I feel like the wolf would accept his rapid healing as ordinary, the normal state; he does not remember his secret, so why does he remember that it's a secret? It's just who and what he is, and if you present it that way I think it will do a better job conveying a sense of mystery.

- The ending is a bit abrupt.

Nice work!

[Reaves]

Very nice! You kept up a rapid pace throughout, which obviously is necessary for flash fiction like this, but it also worked very well to portray the life of a wolf. Bravo.

If you wanted to cut it down even further, I would take a second look at the bit where the wolf faces off with the cat. Also, like Ryos I had a hard time understanding the cat had scared the grouse at first.

I didn't have any major problems with the wolf referring to lycanthropy as its secret, but I like Ryos' idea. I would try it.

I'll mention here that there was great characterization throughout. You obviously put a lot of effort into seeing things through the eyes of a wolf.

On first reading, I did not understand that the two men realized he was a werewolf. Interesting twist.

Quick suggestion, take it or leave it: as the wolf changes into a human, it might be cool to change the voice of the writing slightly to reflect that change. Maybe more reference to future or past actions, I dunno.

  Get him out of that thing, one calls.
Is it him?  This is the other.

I didn't understand your rationale behind the dialogue. Its not in quotations, and while at first I thought you were underlining to show who was speaking, you only did it once. And it didn't seem like it was underlined for emphasis, so I was left in the dark on that one. Clearly its not a major issue, but there didn't seem like a good reason to do it differently than is standard. Unless flash has different rules?

Anyway, I really enjoyed this submission! I look forward to seeing more from you.

I'm curious; are you planning on presenting this to a website or magazine?

[Renoard]

This is not intended to be defensive.   But to clarify,  I had some real problems with my word processor.  The original text used underlining for each of the men's speeches not just the one.  This copy got corrupted so I can see where the speeches would be confusing.  I apologize for that.  I should have checked closer before sending.

I appreciate the feed back, hope I'll get more.

I may submit if I can get it tweaked to a point that it's tight enough.

[Renoard]

Oh to answer your question, I'm not aware of any standard in flash fiction that calls for emphasis instead of quotes.  But since this is a wolf not a man, it seemed appropriate that the human speech not be viewed a real dialog to the wolf mind.  At some level he gets it, but not the same way he would from another wolf.  Thoughts and subvocal communication are emphasized in most novels,  so I chose that convention.  Then had the problems with Ooo 3.0.1. . .

[RavenstarRHJF]

It's pretty clear that the wolf part of him is dominant, rather than the human part- which is what we see most in werewolf stories, so, nice take!

One suggestion: if you're going to use first person present, a normal paragraph format seems... odd.  I don't know if that is one of the requirements of the submission, but if you changed it to a line by line it might flow better.

I don't know if you meant him to come across quite so cute and cuddly.  If you did, that's fine, but if you want to emphasize an alpha-wolf mentality, you might want to change the wording of certain passages- like where he's marking territory, or playing with the water bugs.  Alternatively, you could use those places to play up the passive-aggressive human side of him.

Nice little story, all things considered!

[ErikHolmes]

I really like the story.

The whole time I read it I had the impression that this was a wolf that turned into a man and not a man that turns into a wolf. Meaning, this creature was born and raised as a wolf then at some point began turning human.

I agree about the secret, It feels off. I think a phrase like that being used in the story would be good, just not that one. Something else that says that the wolf knows he's different.

[Renoard]

This is quite helpful.  I appreciate the feed back.  Ryos, about hte poor flow, do you feel that gramatical fixes would substantially eliminate your objection on this point?  Or is there something more systemically flawed with the flow, like Ravenstar feels?

Ravenstar, what in particular felt wrong about the way I worded his marking?  Can you cite the part that gave you pause?  I know this is a tiny piece but I want to better understand the critique.

*** begin pathetic plea ***
*************************
I know people are busy, so I really appreciate the time taken on this little piece and if anyone else were to take the time it would appreciated as well. . .   Say a director/producer of after school specials, an undergrad known for his liberalism, I dunno. *cheesey smile* 

Seriously I'd take it as a personal favor to have this thing hacked apart by others.

*crickets*
*** End Pathos ***
******************

[RavenstarRHJF]

About the flow... first person present doesn't allow for a whole lot of description, since the character is experiencing "moments" in time.  Thus, using it in a paragraph format seems stilted and awkward, e.g., this happens, then this happens, then this happens.  It's very dry presented that way. 

This happens.
This happens.
This happens.

The above allows the reader to understand that there is time and background between each of the occurrences and to pick up more fully on the present tense style.  At least, in my opinion. And I openly admit I may have that wrong- it's been a while since my last English class...

About the passages I mentioned:

I begin my nightly patrol and make water to renew my borders.  I am fierce but lone pups would see me weak if I do not keep my wood.  The night birds and crickets fill my world with song and I stop to listen, tongue lolling as I cool myself.  Finished with patrol I run to the pond and watch the fish catching insects from the surface.  I paw at the water but I know I cannot catch them.  Still it is fun.

This strikes me as more of a dog-mentality than a wolf-mentality.  Maybe it's because I've been force-fed so much propaganda about the ferocity and predator-ness of wolves presented in movies and such, but I don't associate playing with water bugs and worrying (consciously) about younger wolves with a wolf.  At least not so feebly.  A "test my agility by trying to catch bugs" and "let those upstarts know who's boss" reasoning would fit better.

[ryos]

For what it's worth, I think the paragraph format is fine. Also, I'm okay with a wolf having a dog mentality - remember that dogs are domesticated wolves.

[Renoard]

Again, thanks for all the input.  It helped a lot.