Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Writing Group => Topic started by: The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers on December 29, 2003, 11:02:35 AM
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Ok, Gemm, anything specific you want us to comment on with your story?
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Right right. I know the beginning sucks, so any pointers on how to up the ante there. And just overall comments about it I guess.
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well, it's not finished, but I think you know that.
As for the opening, I think I'd just cut out the first three paragraphs and insert the necessary info later in the story (i'm not sure if any of those three are necessary unless the rumors are important to the plot). It stands by itself that he's heading home from the theater, I don't think we need a description of the countryside, and you can describe him as you go.
which is my other main critique. I can't see what's happening well enough. Describe for me the characters and settings a little better. Also describe Jones' (is that his real name) internal reactions.
You've got a good start on the feeling I think you're looking for. I can definitely see it coming, but tighter descriptions will drive it home.
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Well, I want him to be nameless. Thats why the Dr. "gives" him a name. Plus I also want to start a scary rumor around college of a madman. Yes, I know it isn't finished, I was rushed by another Mad Dr. to finish it uncreatively.
The reason the first few paragraphs are as, is because I was trying to just write a simple thing for Jeffe's contest. Then I decided to just write a story about it instead.
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Why do you want him to be nameless? Its a cool idea, but I need a good reason in order to accept it.
Also, as a story, we need some explanation of Neumann's motives.
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I want him nameless because the setting is the college I go to. And I want that "Oh wow, did that actually happen to someone" factor.
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Ah, so you're trying to build it up as a local legend kind of thing? In that case, don't put any of it from the guy's point of view--we can't see the world from a nameless guy's perspective, because he obviously knows his own name. Local legends thrive on the "friend of a friend" vibe, so approach it that way, through the eyes of a third party narrator.
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Woot, I finished it. 5 pages it is, it is. So anyone who isn't in the writers group who may want to take a peek at it, just launch me an e-mail asking for it. kaven100 @ canton.edu. Its in the profile too. I'll send it off to the Group tonight.
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Ok, since I'll probably not be around wednesday eve, feel free to comment liberally upon my work now. Tell me what you think of it overall, and the ending.
Also tell me what you think could/needs improved. And anything else you think could use a comment.
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we'll probably wait to chat about it till you can be there, but I'll finish it up and comment some more.
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Hey Gemm, I never got the extra pages.
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Yes, well, I'm going to resend the whole thing because I've finished editing it to the bone, corrected spelling and grammar errors. So now all thats left is a bit of critique. Plus I added SE's point into the beginning. Adding the girl to the start so we realize he cares for someone. Or whatever it was SE pointed out.
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I missed the discussion of this last night. Did you want comments on some specific things, Gemm, or just in general?
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Yes, generalize it captain.
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Ok..... stupid internet. Had a post here for SE. I added a line to the end, I think there should be one last one, but I can't figure it out. Here it is:
"People still talk about it to the day, the story being twisted and torn asunder, as are all stories that are told orally."
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I'd say, "as often happens when word of mouth is involved" instead of "as are all stories that are told orally."
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I'll have to think about this, sorry, but I've got snow and food to worry about for the next couple hours
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Ummm... yeah well, by 9:45 I'll be gone for the rest of the day. And I won't be coming back around to edit the story.
Since I have classes from 10-3, no breaks. And then the newspaper meeting is at 3:30 now, instead of at 5 like it was last semester.
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Sorry dude. But by the time you posted the question, I was already getting into bed. Then I had a potty training session when I woke up and snow to cope with. Frankly, I wouldn't talk about the story being distorted. It only seems to call your authority as the narrator into question without adding anything to it. If you feel you need another closing line, I'd choose something else. I originally suggested something about the source fo the story. How does the narrator know this stuff? the more I think about it though, I don't think that's necessary either. Just change the last sentence from neither of them seeing an ending to hoping Jones finds peace or something would close it down nicely.
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Oh ho ho, you are lucky that my 11 o'clock class was cancelled. But thank you.
WAIT, awesome thingy I just thought of. Maybe this is the doctor narrating?! Eh? And I end with "I hope Jones, my last homosapien subject, will find peace." Eh eh? An old kicker in the teeth!
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That's interesting, but requires some edits: How does the doctor know what Jones is thinking before the surgery, etc. I think though, with edits, that would be kinda cool
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Yeah... but a bit lot of work.
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Okay, in general, I think I could stand for a little more detail. For example, the walk in the woods on the way (unknowingly) to the house. This scene, which is brushed over, really, has the opportunity to set the tone, and flesh out "Jones" right at the very beginning. Otherwise I just think of him as a walking letterman's jacket.
I think you could spend more time on the doctor, too. Have him say more and converse more with Jones. Reveal his creepiness in this way, or with other quirky appearance or behavior details, instead of relying on the mad scientist stereotype.
It's unclear that Jones loses consciousness while being operated on, but you allude to it with the morphine and the waking up later. Jones seems to spend a lot of time unconscious for being a protagonist. Maybe give more detail when he's awake to balance it out.
And his first reaction to his new face: this is very important to this story, and I was uncomfortable with how you treated it. "He was frightened beyond belief by seeing what had happened to him, but he did not cry out or start yelling." What did he do? I think you should describe the reaction a little bit more before you move on.
The ideas and plot are sound and interesting. I think you could invest a little more in the characters you create to make it more engaging as a story.