"His mom could take torture but she hated to fly. "
That is brilliant and had me laughing out loud.
I really liked this one, so as with most stories I liked will probably end up with two pages tearing it down.
I agree with the comments on the flashback structure. From what I’ve seen here I would suggest just starting at the final and skipping that first part.
Why does he refer to himself as number 323? You mention somewhere later that he knows the names of some of the others. If those names still hold any significance why would he forgo his own, even in his own mind? (Since we are inside 323’s head, I considered all references to his name in tell as being the way he identified himself) Who is he when he identifies himself inside his own head? Is he still the one he was before he joined YIK, the one crying in the shower, or is he the trained operative who has surpassed his past and now only refers to himself as his number? (But then why does he cry in the shower?)
The explanation between the dialogue between 74 and 323 can be scratched.
It seems a bit of a discrepancy to first tell they became close over the years, and after the director arrives he breathes a sigh of relief to be rid of them. That doesn’t seem very close to me.
The director mentions they’ll be given objectives, and he finds an envelope on his desk, yet there is no mentioning how it got there. Was someone passing them out, or where they there from the start?
I fail to see how absolutely necessary is a loose term, or why it would be ironic that there would be a punishment for breaking that rule.
I’m not clear on the companies part. Will they consist of the two civilians or will they include two civilians and other non-civilians?
Insurgents is a politically charged term. If the YIK is a neutral organisation using a more neutral term might be more appropriate. (Or just Taliban)
The introspective part is good, but again raises the question why he doesn’t refer to himself by his name if his past is still so important to him.
In the shower, you first tell us he hangs on to better memories of a simpler life and then call that the depths of his sorrow, but you just had him crawl out of the depth by clinging on to those memories.
I disagree with Silknsnow on that last line. I think it’s fine as it is. I see no point in hiding or obscuring which two names he submitted.
There, only one page