Peks and POV

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

OK, MoD, and Stacer, this is mostly for you, since you both commented on the paragraph, but for different reasons. Anybody who feels they have a grasp on the situation can comment helpfully.

In chapter 2 I describe Peks' surgery on his foot. The problem is, he a) can't see his foot, and b) isn't paying close attention, since as the previous paragraph says, he thinks it's an all day even full of pain and agony.

So, despite the verbage problems and lack of detail, the biggest problem, really, is that I have a POV shift for that one paragraph just for the sake of letting the reader know that while this sucks for an 11 year-old, Hannah's really good at her job and takes care of him quick. There are worse things he could have been through.

Anyway, jsut explaining hte problem gives me an idea for how to give that information better. Unfortunately, most of it involves telling, not showing (I feel it does a decent job showing as it stands, right now).

One solution is just to add a comment where Birge says something like "She was done quick. There was less blood than I'd've thought" or something like that. Maybe reinforce with Isbeth saying "Get well Anpechswyn. Don't worry, Hannah knows her work." or whatever.

another idea is to just state that Hannah explains what she's doing to Isbeth, who is there as an apprentice anyway. Peks isn't paying close attention, so there's no reason to put in all the dialog, the summary I have being all that I need.

Any feedback on that?

[stacer]

Placeholder--will respond when I get home from work. Been in meetings all day.

[Mistress of Darkness]

Have Hannah explain what she is doing to Isbeth. I think this is your best option because before you never actually "showed" that Isbeth was an apprentice, the narrator just said that she was.

So you may be telling the foot, but you are showing Isbeth's apprenticeship.

[stacer]

I think both--I agree with Izzy that you should have Hannah directing Isbeth in something, or explaining to Isbeth, in the apprentice way. I also think the comment by Birge would be a useful comment, or to put that comment in Isbeth's mouth--ooh, I would have thought there would be more blood, Hannah--that sort of thing.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

K, here's the new text.

It seemed to take all afternoon, full of pain and agony. Peks tried taking a few more sips, but found he couldn’t drink anymore. He didn't even care that Birge had seen him cry, and Isbeth was just a girl, so she didn't matter anymore. He let the tears come.

Hannah explained to Isbeth how each cut was made, and contrary to Peks' expectations, she was done in just a few cuts. She split open the heal, realized the stone was right up against a bone, and cut three more times to get at it, smaller, internal incisions that had to be very price so she didn't open a vein or hit the bone. All of this was immensely painful to Peks, who could barely pay attention. Isbeth asked a few questions as the surgery proceeded, wondering mostly how Hannah knew where the rock was located.

Finally Hannah pulled out the rock, a tiny thing covered in pus and blood, and dropped it in a wooden bowl. She pressed the wound closed, which also hurt -- though much less than fishing for a rock inside his foot -- and sewed it quickly with a few stitches. She had Isbeth clean up the bloody rags while Birge gave Peks another dose of whiskey. Hannah pretended not to notice when Birge choked on a self-administered swallow. "It's never gonna be perfect, my boy," she told him, not unkindly. "The original wound was too ugly, and ya called for me too late. But yer gonna live, and yer gonna work, and that's the best I can do." She left the bowl with its gory contents as a souvenir and turned to leave, shuffling out the door with her great satchel.

"That was quick," Birge commented, wiping a streak of liquor off his chin with a sleeve. "I would've thought there'd be more blood.

Isbeth stopped for a moment by Peks' head. "Get well, Anpechswyn," she whispered. "Don't ya worry, Hannah knows her profession." In his drunkenness, Peks thought she gave him a peck on the forehead before darting out after the healer. He wiped his face with a grubby sleeve and passed out on the table.

Note that I cut the line about Peks not knowing what agony he was spared. I felt self-conscious about it, since the issue I was concerned with was what he DOES know.

[Mistress of Darkness]

What do you mean, "she didn't matter anymore?" That implies that she mattered before, which I don't think Peks would admit to himself.

It seems weird to me to have the conclusion of the operation mentioned in the first sentence of one paragraph, but the conclusion of the surgery is described in the next paragraph. What do you think, Saint, stacer?

You don't need "quickly" in "and sewed it quickly with a few stitches," since "few stitches" implies that the process was quick.

I like it. The paragraph is much smoother and I part of the action due to the dialogue.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

I mean it doesn't matter if she sees him cry. Her opinion doesn't count, because she's just a girl.

Yeah, he's a misogynist. He gets over it though.

I don't htink I explicitly mention  the end of the operation in the first P there. I just establish Peks' perspective of what he's in for.

[Mistress of Darkness]

Peks had nearly forgotten Isbeth had come. He resented her presence and swore not to let any tears come while she was around.

[Mistress of Darkness]

nd contrary to Peks' expectations, she was done in just a few cuts.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

As for the first one, that's intentional. He changes his mind under stress. Oaths easily forgotten, etc. One of the themes I've tried to keep subtle is Peks learning the difference between macho and manly. The macho stuff (not crying, being "tough," etc) doesn't matter. The Manly stuff (keeping your word, helping others, being responsible, etc) are the things that truly matter. So in microcosm, you see it here. at first, it's of primary importance that no one, let alone a GIRL (they've got cooties, y'know) see him crying. By the time they're really cutting him up, he doesn't care anymore. He both breaks his oath and forsakes the childishness of not letting anyone see him cry when he truly hurts. He's still got a long way to go, but he's learning what sorts of things are worth oaths. This "oath" makes the one he makes when he becomes a knight even more important.

As for the second. Er... I was wrong? I'll look at how to best make that work.

edit: i changed the line Izzy mentions to "contrary to Peks' expectations, the operation required only a few cuts" which I think implies the scope of the whole job, but also remains something that can be known from nearly the outset.

[Mistress of Darkness]

On the second point, the revision is great.

On the first point, I'm not a professional critic, so take this advice with a grain of salt (or a spoonful, whatever).

I understand that you want to show that Peks is whishy-washy, but because you are using third-person instead of first it requires extra work. Right now it seems more like the narrator rather than Peks who can't keep things straight. Since the narrator is not Peks, he's got to let his audience know that he realizes what Peks is doing.

[stacer]

I agree with Izzy on the part about Isbeth not mattering, and how it requires a little more work--just a couple words like "Peks discarded his hasty promise not to cry" or something.

Just so you know, I corrected the word "precise" in the version I sent to you, and you still have "price." You might want to fix that.

Other than that, it's great.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

ok then. It's all prettified. I hope. I kept finding changes that I thought i had made. I really hope all my different versions aren't crossed.