Timewaster's Guide Archive

Once again, I get what you're saying. I started this whole thing off from as a promotion stunt on Facebook for my site. I had friends fill an adlib and I formed a story (loosely) from that. So when I first started writing this it was gonna be a very self-aware of the story, silly kind of tale. Now, I don't know. I am trying to blend the humor and seriousness more. And yeah, the opening bugged me at first too, so if I do a book, I'll probably change it. Once again, the butcher having so many knives and stuff was part of the more outrageous feel I had at the beginning. And yeah, digometers was supposed to be funny, there was no math behind it. (Thanks for doing the math, though.) I would always just add one. I even went so far (but later cut the gag) of putting, "a few digometers (a few and one meters)" but that kind of humor is really exclusive to the writer and just throws off readers. Thanks for the feedback though.

The latest piece, I believe this one is twice as long as the others... I tried to introduce more of Vara's character, and mystery.
Previously, Vara had been talking with Leo, a speaking lizard, who seems to know more than he should. Enjoy!
-Manny

What I meant was that the action didn't feel pulse-pounding, it just felt descriptive, because these characters are SO AWESOME, that they don't have competition. But the real thrill came when Darkclaw's coldness was tested.

I don't know anything about your world or characters from before, so I was TOTALLY lost on all (five?) characters that went in and out of the chapter, and the magic seems interesting, but of course it isn't clearly defined for me. I would definitely play up the death, maybe the character that is in charge had planned to post guards around the tent, maybe we get to see one last scene where the dead guy hears something moving in the shadows and gets attacked. I don't know, just throwing around stuff here. But I definitely felt like the death was anti-climactic, and I know this is an army sorta feel you're creating, but maybe reserve the swearing for one character that way he feels a bit more colorful, and true-blue classic cussing soldier. Anyway, you definitely need to play up that scary death scene. I liked the bit but I think I would enjoy it more if I knew who all of these characters were. Which brings me to another point, it seems like I lost track of who was talking a lot particularly because so many different people talk in the chapter, maybe its just me.

I would agree with pretty much everything Hubay said. I am still a little lost in this storyline, particularly because you sent a 100 page document along with the new chapter, but that 100 page document didn't have anything to do with Jin or Talvin (who appear to be important characters right now). So, I AM getting the hang of the magic system with the songs and stuff (hence the name Canticle) but anyway, about the chapter at hand. I would agree that the beginning was strangely worded and I was totally lost at some points. Also, there is a sentence that Talvin says concerning his conversation with Chalinae, "She's nothing like I thought she was and I see why you enjoy spending time with her."
For an intellectual, kind of introverted father that I am supposing Talvin to be, this sounds rather simplistic and totally contradictory to his opinion in the previous chapter, I would assume that Talvin would be softening toward her, but wouldn't yet have enough info to make a conclusion, particularly because this girl got Jin in a lot of trouble in chapter 11(?)
Anyway, I do like the characters and the fact that you have a very well thought through world. The culture is interesting, along with the landscapes, and magic system. That being said, I sometimes can't keep track of ALL the fantasy cultures, past stories, or animals. I don't really get the paragraphs at the beginning of each chapter either, is this something that will come into play later on? I saw a few typos here and there, mainly mis-spelled words or missing words. (I know sometimes the red underlines get annoying because you already have so many of your own words mixed in.) And I am also interested to see where you are going with this disembodied voice.
I did notice that Jin is supposed to be ten years old. Are their years longer than ours? Or do they teach their children more in the first ten years of life? Because his thought processes seem a bit accelerated for a ten year old.
Oh, and if you don't want to change that word, "huuk" maybe you should put it in italics to make it obvious it is not an English word. (That goes for a few other-worldly words that you use here and there.)

@LTU, I see what you mean about it being stereotypical. The lizard never says, "I thought you'd like the challenge." He asks her if she didn't enjoy the challenge. I was not aware that this is cliche, but I will from now on. Anyway, I apologize for it being uninteresting, with the whole serial format it makes it harder for my mind to process "Get from A to B." Without getting gummed up or shirking on certain areas (i.e. detailed descriptions and more colorful dialogue). But that is one of the reasons why I am doing this, to practice accomplishing a lot in a small amount of space. Also, this whole story was concocted for my Facebook friends, and then it escalated to this. I do hope that you will continue reading for the more fantasy concepts and stuff like the talking lizard are on their way. But thanks for being honest and reading deep.
@Akoebel, the commas and adverbs are my bane. I have worked and worked but I am getting better, I will try to avoid doing over use of adverbs and commas. And, I had a lot of trouble with that sentence and a few in that piece. They are progressively getting harder to write. I will also be sure to really get you involved in the character, I have been all about the action up until now, and I guess I didn't use the non-action space to my character's advantage. I will address that now that you point that out. Thanks too.

This might be a bad idea, but if you could infuse this first chapter with some more interesting bits of info on this world's awesome engines and stuff, it might make this chapter more interesting, I might be wrong, though. Because, I know you don't want to enter info-dump mode, but when I first read the chapter I thought, that was a lot of pages for not a lot of info about the world...I don't know, maybe it it good, but that is my opinion.
About the mental conversation, I get why you did it, but when I first read it, I was suddenly like, "Wait! When did this character enter the scene?" But yeah, if I am the only one who thought this, then I am totally for the way you do the conversation.