3
« on: June 01, 2011, 05:18:28 PM »
So I'm not gonna lie. I didn't like this chapter as much as the previous, and that- I think- is due largely to the fact that you write from the perspective of three characters in the span of 20 pages. And you have killed two characters that you have introduced in a matter of 20 pages. I'm not saying this is BAD, I just don't get much of a character and therefore don't care much whether he dies in battle or not. The only character, so far, that I want to read more of, is Albione and that is because I want to know how his faith mixes with the fact that he is a warrior. And I think you talked about this with LTU in the previous thread, you don't necessarily need a ton of fight scenes to catch your readers attention. Yeah, I like the idea of opening the story with a seige on the church-fortress-thing. But, this second chapter doesn't feel quite as dynamic- the High Priestess is cliche (which isn't always a bad thing either), the action is a little bit fuzzier (particularly the part about the elf mage continuing his chant and the red beam that came from one of the elf's), and the whole magic system is really fuzzy to me right now (you seem to use the words "mage" and "priest" interchangeable and I am assuming this is technically Christian fiction so wouldn't the "mage" be the baddie and the "priest" be the good guy like Albione?). Maybe I misunderstood that last bit, but I would really like to see how this spiritual magic system works- are the elves worshipers of your allegorical version of satan? Are the priests called to fight or to heal with the gifts of Alazon (why by the way is quite reminiscent of Aslan)? Also, the part where Charom and the High Priestess go into the Inner Sanctuary (the Holy of Holies?- therefore, wouldn't they be unhappy about their sacred place being defiled?), anyway, the part where they go into the tunnel gets kinda funny- suddenly all of the priests and soldiers are there. Also, if Albione is a priest, how come he is fighting? Beyond that there were a few sentences that had typos, there were a few sentences without periods (but that stuff is trivial right now.)
Wow, looking at this, I kinda cut your stuff down- but I don't mean to. I'm just letting you know some of these things that made this second chapter a bit less dynamic. But I'm still interested in the story and will make the time to read it next week also.