Tavaris did not think looking into his soul would be a good idea.
Strong beginning. Me like.
However, in the following paragraphs, I had a hard time connecting with Tav. It's hard for me to point to any one thing that makes it so, which frustrates me. Just...the dialog and descriptions failed to set the mood.
Perhaps it's that I didn't get a strong sense of what it was Tav was so nervous about. I mean, on the one hand he doubts the utility of looking into his past, and fears to corrupt his present self with his past. On the other, he feels impelled to succeed because, for some reason, it will be bad for his family if he fails. Add a touch of peer pressure to succeed for good measure.
That's all there, all the ingredients for a fat Emotional Punch Sandwich. Only, somehow the meat is on top, the bread in the middle, and the mustard is dripping all over your shirt. It's scattered and lacks cohesion and fails to deliver.
Waaaugh. Someone revoke my metaphor license before I hurt any more of them.
The way you presented the memories of the past didn't work very well for me either. Most such scenes I've read before present it like a literal viewpoint, without interjection. I think it works better that way. With the reactions interspersed, we can see that Tav remains his present self, as can he. What if his past…resonates? What if he doesn't just recall enjoying the slaughter, but he actually does enjoy it?
His reaction, his revulsion, his self doubt; they all become stronger. Also, doing it that way would force you to compress the exposition into a few hints during the vision, then a bit more during the reaction; it would make it briefer. As it is, it's a bit much for me.
That's it for negatives for me. I thought your action was fine, though as I mentioned above, I feel it would be much improved sans interruption. I'm intrigued by the magic system you're creating here, and if I've not yet seen enough of the world to get intrigued, I'm sure I will with time. As an aside, the soul-expending aspects of Cerebrance seem, well,
evil to me. A dark power, a forbidden fruit. I find myself wanting to see a "good" philosophy or branch of the magic that does not expend the soul, perhaps even deriving its own strength or power from that.