Timewaster's Guide Archive

I should have something ready for this monday

You've mentioned the obvious discipline problems in all your critiques so far, and I think you're spot on. See, my story is set during the Fall (that is, the fall of my pseudo-roman empire). One of the factors that often tears down armies in this sort of situation is poorly-selected officers – people who were promoted for reasons of class, nepotism, or other sorts of corruption. So discipline has slowly fallen to the wayside. Also, Gaitu was terrible at training, but I haven't mentioned either of these things. I probably do need to change some of the situations so they're a little more plausible, and I also need to explain the discipline problems better. It's just, with everything else going on in the story I'm worried about an infodump (which i've already done a couple of times, as you pointed out). So on a re-write i'll explain it better – though I had actually planned to toss in an explanation next chapter, so maybe that'll do.

I guess my point is, you've given great feedback – you've pointed out several things that aren't quite believable, and I need to fix them – but the discipline thing is at least partially intentional. Some of the actions will make sense if I give more context, and some still won't so I'll have to ditch them.

Anyways, Zaisha commands the Immunes, who aren't regular soldiers, so she doesn't have any direct jurisdiction over the regulars. Also, like rome, my empire's army is actually based upon land-owners, with auxilians who hope to earn citizenship. because of the slave economy they didn't have the same sort of peasant structure as other nations might.

(another bump)

I think if there's ever a lull in Brandon and Pat Rothfuss's career they should do a collaborative book and see just how long it ends up.

I mean, do zombie books work for you? i guess that's a whole different genre, but a lot are still post-apocalyptic, like Rot&Ruin.

(bumps back over spam)

Seconded.

Alright, Well I think your opening paragraph starts with a lot of very short, punchy sentences, and while it gets the chapter flowing right away I think you need a little more variety in the sentence structure.

I think the chapter was well done, though I'm not sure what to think about the bit where they misjudge Matthieu's past. It sound like you wanted to write it so there's a little uncertainty as to which group actually knew the truth. Regardless of whether or not that's the case, I think you need to have a more immediate reaction from matthieu. Right now it just seems a bit confused.

Other than that, the only real problems were a couple of word choice issues.

In paragraph 5, where you say "...finding it impossible to remove" I think it would make more sense to say something like restrain or hold back. I know you're referring to the tone in his voice, but I just don't think of anger as something you can just yank out. you have to control it. Another word choice: I think it would make more sense to masquerade instead of 'masked balls,' unless you don't want the word masquerade in your world. I just think it sounds smoother.

near the end when you say "the man was many things, but a faithful servant was one of them" I think that sounds off, just because that phrase is never written in the positive (it's always 'wasn't one of them', not WAS). So it would make more sense to say 'corales was many things, but unfaithful wasn't one of them.' or something along those lines.

I feel like we've hit the first pinch/twist whatever you want to call it, and so far I'm still intrigued. I enjoyed that matthieu is finding real reasons to possibly ally himself with these people, even though they are manipulating him.

Also, do you think you could re-email me your two mistresses chapter? The file I got for that one was corrupt and I never got a chance to read it.

Here's chapter six. not much to say except it's a bit longer and mostly action. tear it apart!

Hubay – Lord Domestic Chapter6 (L, S, V)
3900 words

Summary:
Prefect Gaitu has died of a strange disease, Arilu has taken over, and Jhuz is still coming to terms with his identity as Standard.

Chapter 6:
Jhuz, Zaisha, and Ezlio try to capture a nothroi harpy, we see Zaisha's mejj in action and lexio makes a brief appearance.