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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24th-Drew P- Untitled Prologue
« on: May 27, 2010, 08:51:51 AM »
Alright, new blood. Hooray!
Okay, if I were to sum this up in a single word, it would be... charismatic.
I suppose I should explain now, eh? The piece drums loud the sights and sounds of the scene. The crowd's volume is mentioned several times. The changes in light are brought forth... you really work on the senses a lot. It's like you're trying to make the scene come alive in our minds with vivid clarity (and coming from me, who most people around here will attest to being ripped on for unclear scenes, that's something). I love it!
But then it falls a little short of the goal. Very little actually *happens*. The whole 6 pages are: he walks to the alter, the herald rattles off some stuff (the vast majority we don't get to hear), and then Martee dies. Hrm. Now, as a hook, the only thing for me to really find out is *why* the guy just got the axe. This doesn't bode well, unless you're going for one of those books where the prologue is the ending, and the first chapter starts with "One year prior..." The reason is that the information is going to be passed by other characters who are likely biased. So we'll hear from person A that he died because he was an evil man. Well, was he really? We have no clue. For some, that might be a good enough hook, but for me, that's definitely a secondary story arc. Something bigger had better be happening.
You mention that this is actually important for the boy. That's good and all, but (and I hate to say this) I think it might be better if this were a flashback from the boy's perspective. The reason I feel this way is because then you can tie it to the relevance it actually has with the boy. You can show how it affects his life better, which is critical if he's a main character.
The only other problem I have (and this might just be personal preference) is that your language use dips a bit into fancy/archaic styling. Things like
So, TL;DR: Scene is very vivid, but needs more happening. Welcome to the group, and I hope to see more from you.
Okay, if I were to sum this up in a single word, it would be... charismatic.
I suppose I should explain now, eh? The piece drums loud the sights and sounds of the scene. The crowd's volume is mentioned several times. The changes in light are brought forth... you really work on the senses a lot. It's like you're trying to make the scene come alive in our minds with vivid clarity (and coming from me, who most people around here will attest to being ripped on for unclear scenes, that's something). I love it!
But then it falls a little short of the goal. Very little actually *happens*. The whole 6 pages are: he walks to the alter, the herald rattles off some stuff (the vast majority we don't get to hear), and then Martee dies. Hrm. Now, as a hook, the only thing for me to really find out is *why* the guy just got the axe. This doesn't bode well, unless you're going for one of those books where the prologue is the ending, and the first chapter starts with "One year prior..." The reason is that the information is going to be passed by other characters who are likely biased. So we'll hear from person A that he died because he was an evil man. Well, was he really? We have no clue. For some, that might be a good enough hook, but for me, that's definitely a secondary story arc. Something bigger had better be happening.
You mention that this is actually important for the boy. That's good and all, but (and I hate to say this) I think it might be better if this were a flashback from the boy's perspective. The reason I feel this way is because then you can tie it to the relevance it actually has with the boy. You can show how it affects his life better, which is critical if he's a main character.
The only other problem I have (and this might just be personal preference) is that your language use dips a bit into fancy/archaic styling. Things like
Quote
The Hanu held secrets the Endari knew not.are an example. Now, I'm not too concerned with this as long as that's what you're going for, but it *does* slow my reading down a little bit.
So, TL;DR: Scene is very vivid, but needs more happening. Welcome to the group, and I hope to see more from you.