Timewaster's Guide Archive

A little advice for dealing with the Charade...

maybe don't give it to us in the info dump(which was a quite well handled info dump I think), it takes away the mystery of it a little bit. Maybe have him slowly learn what the Charade is. I realize that you are most likely already doing this for the most part, but maybe have him learn even less about it in this chapter, maybe just a small mention, but not as much info on it as you had.

Just my 2 cents. But even as it is, it isn't really that cheesy or bad, but I think it will rub the wrong way with WoT fans, of which there are many.

Hopefully I was able to help a bit.

Hello Ravenstar,

It's been awhile since I've reviewed you stuff, good to be reading it again.

Now, I like the whole story and world that you have so far, but there were a few things that I wanted to point out to you. I kind've felt that it all revolved around Meles and his friends. You were hinting that they could die and they can't wake up, their life force is slipping, etc. But I feel like I don't know them as characters well enough to care for them, they could die, and it wouldn't make me care, I might care about the reaction of Taq to their deaths, so I just wanted to let you know that that's how I feel about them. So some of that foreboding foreshadowing and such I kind've dismissed into my "knowing" section of the story, and not the "caring' portion.

But you still have me hooked on the characters like Taq and Talon that are rounding out more and more as we get to know them, so kudos to you for that. I'm also intrigued as to what happened to Meles, the whole what why how set of questions. I really want to know what the Junction is!

I agree with Chaos that some more physical character description would be nice, but I think you still handle it well, with describing the sleeping three in their pallets.

And I know that this is probably sounding like a broken record now, but your paragraphs are long! I can forgive you most of that if you would break up the text more often. I find it annoying to have to read large blocks of text in small font as well as large blocks of description in the same dialogue. It makes reading it a little tedious, but then I guess it's a small price to pay for being able to read it...

Thanks for the chapter, and keep on writing, can't wait for the next one!

First off, thanks for all your comments you guys, they were really helpful!

Now as for the plot elements, I think it would help a little for Ravenstar and Renoard if you had read the previous 3 chapters and the prologue, but again, this is only the 5th chapter, and I don't want to give away parts of the plot.

So far both of you have confusion about the states and the war and timeframe. The flashback was "just five years ago", and Kale talked about his state making peace with "Lemore", and then he was asked to force the war, which it did anyway, which I hinted at in chapter 5, with their wh0le feud, "In the last war, Voras subdued Lemore’s armies...and took half of Lemore’s land, including Isle Lemore, an island off the coast of both states". I was hoping that the reader would make the connection that the war had continued because of the continuous emnity between the two states, so thanks for being confused and pointing that out, I guess I have to make it more obvious.  And Riel is starting a war with the one state that is rebelling against him, though again, it would make more sense if you had read the previous chapters. But thanks for pointing out that stuff!

I'm also feeling a lot of arrogance from Riel's character that didn't seem to be there before.

Well...exactly, it didn't seem to be there before. Glad you noticed.

The boy's reaction seems off some how. He just strikes me as a bit too calm and coherent based on how he was first described and Riel seems very detached from him.

Again, there is something up with that, glad you noticed

Renoard: Is there anything specific I can do to help my characters have more depth, anything you could suggest or anything that seemed flat for their characters? It would be great if you could give me some specific examples and advice, because I really want this story to be character driven, so any help there would be great, thanks alot 
Oh, and don't be sorry for not liking it, that's fine, I love to have good constructive criticism. And I'll try to work some more moisture into the dryness of my prose, I still hope to hook you into this yet!

Great chapter Renoard, really good stuff.

I liked the slowdown from the action that swaindaddy noticed, and loved the descriptions and characterization that started up here. I think you have a great main character here, and I want to know more about his past and abilities. Like swaindaddy said, the allusion to his magic was great, I want to know more, to the point where I was almost egging him on to wipe out those guards so I could see what he could do. His thoughts and reasoning in his tortured state were also very artfully done, he felt like a pained individual close to giving up, keep it coming Renoard, very well done chapter

Hey dangerbutton, actually, I didn't receive an email either, so if you could resend it, that would be great. Looking forward to reading it!

I think I may actually be able to get a chapter done for this submission. I know I haven't been around for a while, but put me up for monday please!

Hey Erik, great first submission!

Ok, so firstoff, I liked your story, but I'm not completely buying into it yet, I don't feel drawn in totally, and so far some your plot seems cliche, with the sword, gauntlets, black suited guys, etc. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't see anything that made your story stand out from other urban fantasy I've read in the past. Sorry if I seem harsh or whatever, I did really enjoy reading this, I just think it needs something to set it apart.

About your first paragraphs, it felt rushed, I wanted some more characterization and more dialogue between Lance and Kail(nice name, I use the same one w/ different sp in my book).  I think that you could have started off with a slightly longer intro to your setting and characters, maybe show some of Kail's routine, and then BAM hit us with bad guys coming in.
Again, it felt rushed, like you wanted to hook us right away with some action, but it needed more setup, more depth, instead of a shoot up a few paragraphs in. I didn't care that Lance died, I didn't care that much about Kail, because it was a sudden happenstance on people that I had first seen a few paragraphs ago. Okay, so it sounds like I hated it, but I didn't, I did want to see what happened next, but I think that you have the potential to do so much better than what you have here, so I'm trying to be more critical than uplifting.

Regarding chapter 2, I actually liked it, sure it was an infodump, but it was one of those necessary ones that sets up alot of background about characters and setting, so I enjoyed learning more. BUT. But I think that if you are going to have an action bonanza in the first chapter, it's cruel to not continue on in the next chapter. It grated a bit, a confusing transition, because at first I thought it was present time. I've done this in my writing too, I set up a character and conflict in one chapter, but in the next I go to a new one. I think that defeats the purpose, because you want the reader to feel connected to the characters, and alternating chapters don't really work that well, especially at the beginning of the book. I definitely think that you should either move this chapter, or cannibalize it and use some of it as flashbacks or integrate it into late conversations. Just my opinion, but I think it could work.

BTW, this paragraph in Chapter Three:
"The second item was something uber. It was made of a wolf something and I’ll describe it later."
Is kind of just a place holder for me. I've been trying to think of something to put there and haven't come up with anything yet. I was spending too much time thinking about it and just wrote past it. Basically, there is an item that's been crafted from some part of a supernatural wolf. A tooth, a claw, something. I just haven't decided what yet.

Good, because I thought it was super cheesy to say that something was uber, a wolf something, and then not describe it at all.

Overall, great job, I really did like it, even if I sound like I didn't. Very impressive for a first draft, I wish my stuff was that good on first draft( or any draft really). Hope you give us more of this later, good luck with your writing class!

Hey Chaos, it's great to finally read something by you!

So overall, I thought that you did a fantastic job, this story sucked me in right away and I loved your concepts and the potential of Veresh's character. It left me wanting more of Veresh though, I felt like he had more of a backstory than his wife's rape/murder, and I wanted to hear about. So kudos to you for sucking me in(not that it's that hard, but still)

I say potential here because, as mentioned, I think you could expand on Veresh's thoughts/reasonings, feelings and his own pain. Don't get me wrong, I did love the character, and I think that his characterization still is fairly strong, but it just needs to be polished up a bit(obviously, since this is your first draft).

Now, at the beginning, I liked Veresh's thoughts and internal dialogue, but it felt very sudden to me, that it started out catching an Immortal, it seemed rushed and I felt like I had missed something or needed to catch up on something. So in that section, I like the characterization that you have, but I think the plot could have been drawn out a little further and more detail given.

About Mithra( who I still think of as Mithras by the way) and his "blatant infodump", I don't think that it was all that much of an annoying infodump. It was one, but I didn't really care when I read it, I wanted to learn more, and you gave me that. Also, It wasn't a long enough section for me to be bothered by an infodump, it was a relatively short bit of text, a page or so, so I think that it was okay.

“Oaths are binding,” Mithra explained, hobbling forward through the desert. Hassan had released him from the net days ago to let the weak god fulfill his oath.“When any Immortal makes an oath, it cannot be undone. It is permanent. The Immortal must follow it.”

this stood out to me as being very infodumpish, it seems random to me that a few days after Mithra was released he would ramble about the binding power of his oath. I think that you could actually have the part where Hassan releases him in the book, and then have Mithra trying to explain and prove himself that his oath is true, because of the Immortal rules, blah blah blah. In my opinion that would work better and provide a better transition, but it works okay how you have it.

Or do you mean that Veresh and Rashne should just remain conscious forever, but powerless to do anything? (On second thought, I do think this is what you mean, as it makes the most sense, but I just want to be sure)

I think this is what he meant, and I wholeheartedly agree with him, the line about losing consciousness killed the finale for me. It's a weak line. Other than that, great ending.

Great job, looking forward to reading more of your stuff!