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Spectre's End - Dec 08

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Karl:
Welcome to the Spectre series.

This is a work that has been completed for a while, but is part of an ongoing series. As I've worked on later stories I've had to revisit this one to recon info into it that wasn't there to begin with.

This is also the shortest of the stories so far, but is intentionally so because once filmed would probably be the one with the smallest budget.

Reaves:
Well the story you sent out was almost twice as long as I was expecting, so sorry to say but I didn't get to read all of it, but from what I've read so far it looks pretty good. I don't really know how to judge a screenplay but your ideas are solid and the dialogue seems fine.

Necroben:
If the MC is not catholic, why is he performing what seems to be catholic rituals?

Very interesting, I really like the incorporation of different mythoi into the story.  But as a film how long would this be?  Have you ever thought about actually writing it out in story form?

Karl:
The rule of thumb in film making is 1 minute per page, so at 22 pages about 20-30 minutes.

The protestant minister in an otherwise Catholic institution is elaborated upon in later stories. For now it is just one of those unexplained anomolies.

Given the amount of time and effort it has taken to create the scripts so far, I don't anticipate refitting them into prose. I'm hoping this Spring to start a serious fund raising drive to get it produced.

Silk:
Yeah, I'd pin this at about 30 minutes after reading it...

I have your order! One, ahem, slightly overdue "tough love" critique for you, sir. A response to the discussion first...

I didn't have a problem with John performing Catholic rituals. I thought it was pretty clearly implied from the beginning that there was a reason for this that didn't have much to do with religion, and I think the later stuff with the circle makes it pretty much explicit. We don't know why, sure, but the fact that there was a reason was enough for me.

And my own comments on it. I pretty much just wrote down my reactions as I was reading, so these aren't organized in any particular way:

So, I’m reading some of these montages (if you want to call it that) of images – I think the images are great, by the way – and wondering if you’re intending to set them to music, or what. Some of these montages are quite long without much to break them up, but you do include sounds like the static on John’s radio and John trying to call for help, or Peter muttering to himself in Latin, without writing these things into the actual dialgoue. I think it was only the presence of the sounds that made me wonder if there was music as well. I’m not sure you really NEED to include music for any of these. I’m not sure that you should. And unless you’re writing your own music there are copyright issues and such to be dealt with. It might be more trouble than it’s worth. On the other hand, watching something in silence can be very effective and dramatic. And it might be more so if we’re not watching these montages, in their entirety and/or every time, in silence. So, I don’t know. Something to think about. Tough call.

This is entirely my near-complete ignorance of screenplay formatting, but … What is OTS?

I kind of liked how you brought John’s Sight into things, and the “does-he-does-he-not-have-it” you seemed to be leading up to. I was a bit surprised that you revealed the answer so soon. But I liked how the reveal was done.

Um, it almost seems as if John kind of … euthanizes Peter. Or something. I mean, telling Peter he saw him standing before Uriel, then putting him to sleep –  I think I could read that and realize that that wasn’t your intention. But after Peter goes to sleep, John seems to lose all of his urgency – my initial interpretation was that yes, Peter needed to rest, but John also needed to get the heck out – and that makes me not entirely sure what you intended. (Even though he does get up and go somewhere else in the next few lines. Maybe he was just taking a few moments to grieve before moving on. But it does seem that he only moved on because of an external impetus.)

At the top of page eight, after he takes a shower in the rainwater, John goes to grab his body armour, and then decides to leave it behind. I thought this particular moment was very effective.

I’m quite certain this is just something I’m missing. In fact, I swear  I knew this once – but I don’t know what you mean when you say calling the corners, which you mention twice when John draws the circle with his dagger and blesses it.

The Latin, the Latin! Darn you! I keep trying to translate the Latin! How dare you make me realize I have forgotten everything I learned in Latin 300 two years ago?

Am I supposed to think Thomas is a jerk? Because by the time he makes his remark about John being safely nestled away in tomes of forgotten lore, I kind of do. Not a problem – as long as that’s what you’re going for.

Thomas breathing on nothing and having it steam up the surface of … nothing… is a really cool image.

Now Tom is talking about stuff and apparently annoying John after John’s told him he’s trying to meditate. Yeah, still think he’s a jerk.

You’ve done a good job though, preparing us for what we learn about the relationship between Tom and John. I had a fairly good sense of that before they even told us too much.

As Tom talks I’m starting to think he’s a likeable jerk. (Don’t ask me how that works. I can enjoy his dialogue and still think he’s not very nice.) But still a jerk. Not in an overbearing kind of way; just some of the little things he said are convincing me not to like him very much. He’s totally convinced me though.

By saying this, I don’t mean to imply that the relationship was uninteresting before, because it wasn’t. But the relationship between John and not-quite-Tom is REALLY interesting.

The quote on the very bottom of the page, where Tom is talking about days of wrath and distress and whatnot, and then starts laughing – what a wonderfully dramatic moment. Seriously.

I waited until I’d read the end of the piece (which, by the way, was great) to say this: I feel a bit like I’m missing out on all the Biblical references and stuff, having never read the Bible. I never was entirely sure WHAT exactly possessed Thomas, for instance, and I wasn’t sure if the Biblical passages quoted revealed that. The song was also very intriguing, and I wondered if there was some significance to it that I was missing out on.

But do I NEED to know these things? I’m leaning towards “no” as an answer. I do feel like there are things I’m missing out on, because I lack the religious background. But the things I’m missing are specific details that I can get by without. I have the gist of it, I have the important stuff (I think. Maybe I don’t. That’s always the question.). I don’t think there is anything I’m not getting that I absolutely MUST.

Hmm, about that ending. I don’t think you should change the events or even the dialogue. But it does seem just a tad too abrupt. I’m hesitant to suggest this, because I have no idea what it would be – but maybe you could give us some kind of image, or something? Just think it might give us that bit of additional resonance. And an additional moment to really process the ending  - because it is a bit of a shock (not in a bad way) before the credits roll.

Really enjoyed reading this. I think your characterization really shines.

Aaaand I'm done. *facepalm* I think I jinxed myself when I said my critique for WEKM went on. I hope these comments are half as helpful as they were long.

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