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December '08 - The Scepter of Infinity - Ch. 1, Part 1

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Chaos:
I'm extremely frustrated that I did not have enough time to revise the second half of this chapter--cursed college assignments! I worry that it does not work well on its own. Tell me what you think there.

Thank you for reading :D Rip it to shreds, guys.

Necroben:
Page 3:  Word use: Life for Live

Page 8:  The prisoner and MC character seem inconsistent/mixing.  Words or thoughts I would attribute to one seem to be used by the other.

 i.e.—very extensively.

When MC says His Religion should make sense, I keep thinking “But it doesn’t make sense to me!”

I like the world building so far.  Seems to be a very in-depth Religious Crisis going on with a hint of a magic/clerical magic system.

jjb:
I was a bit surprised when the priest pulled out a pocket watch towards the end, as for some reason I was under the impression that the time setting was earlier.

Also, the priest said a lot of stuff that people wouldn't normally voice out loud. For example, when he was talking about the wire they had used to cut the prisoner's body, people would normally picture it all in their head instead of describing it to the person who experienced it.

And the two religions haven't  separated themselves in my mind yet. When they were both named in one sentence I couldn't tell/remember which was which.

Reaves:
Looks to be a very interesting world here. I agree though, give each of the two religions something that makes them stand out. Perhaps an article of clothing, or a figure of speech.

This sentence seemed incomplete though, on page 4:
--- Quote ---You know what to me, demon.
--- End quote ---

Also the whole heated theological discussion got a bit dry for me, towards the end. Maybe add in something to change the pace a bit? Have Gaius be wiping blood off the walls, or doing something else while still talking?

And yes the pocket watch seemed a bit out of place. Maybe add some other signs of modern/ish technology somewhere in there?

Other than that it's looking great. What you've got there really sucks the reader into the world. I want to read the next chapter!

sortitus:
The discussion did get a little heavy to me. Syntax got a bit confusing at times as well. Minor inconsistencies in descriptions throughout.

You're describing the viewpoint character rather objectively. I want to know what he thinks of himself, and get clues as to his true nature by his actions. Telling the reader that he was going to try kindness makes him seem insincere. Generally, show me that the guy is kind if he really is. If he isn't nice, then you've done that part perfectly already.

I felt that there was too much world building going on for me to care what was happening in the chamber. The references to historical events are a nice touch, but I would like to have less info said. Instead of telling me details right away, have the characters make references that the reader won't understand and have the characters muse over the details that made those comments interesting in moments with less going on. Set stuff up way in advance and pay it off later.

Show me that the Legate needs to convert the priest. Show, show, show! :)
And stay in the moment as much as is humanly possible.

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