Well... to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's as well done as your second draft of it. Hassan/Rashne's character is even weaker in this version, and I frankly have a hard time buying Veresh's ongoing internal hate-fest. I just can't see why being devastated by your spouse leaving you and then not even getting the time to try and make things right before she's murdered is selfish, exactly. I think the problem with this version and the hate-fest, is that there isn't enough time from beginning to end to see him struggling with it, whereas in the second version we got to see them searching for the Pit and you used that time to explore the characters.
Reading between the lines, it seems like Selfishness is something Samira threw at his head before storming out but, if that's the case, she comes across as pretty selfish herself, choosing one night of passion in exchange for her life.
Love is not about
lust, and Rashne should have known that, and should have tried to convince her of that, instead of letting her commit suicide in her own way.
Particularly as she was the wife of his chief priest. Her scene with Rashne came across as blatantly false to me, and I can't see why Veresh didn't see that.
To put it simply, there's no emotional journey for any of the characters, and the action which takes place isn't enough to counteract that lack.
That said, you did a much better job disguising the fact that Hassan IS Rashne throughout. And the actual confrontation with him is better, too, aside from making him appear a weakling.
So! On to technicalities:
Grammar:
There are a lot of tense problems right at the very beginning.
A wonderful relief, but what couldn't be a relief after what that Immortal did to Samira? The Imprisoned God may be a blasphemous god, but to me, that's weak compared to rape and murder. All I remember was Samira's soiled body, oozing with divine residue.
The first bit just reads awkwardly. The second sentence reads more like an internal thought, and as such should be italicized or highlighted in some other way to show it's different. And the third: "remember" is present tense, and "was" is past tense.
"When you left Rashne's priesthood, I didn't have to save you. I didn't need to go with you then, and that was back when I hadn't even known you."
"didn't even know" would be better
Hassan was just in his normal, selfless form
As opposed to his abnormal, selfish form?
I think what you were looking for was "just being his normal, selfless, self," or better yet, rephrase it entirely. And you left an "I" out of the next sentence.
I never deserved this compassion
... or "didn't" deserve "his" compassion.
The POV in the next bit is confusing, because we come right out of a Veresh internal viewpoint into untagged dialogue, so it's hard to tell that Hassan is continuing his reassurances from before.
The Pit opened as a perfect circle. The rock walls were cut away smoothly, but a jagged path etched into it marred the Pit's deific construction. It had a brutal, shadowy efficient quality, looking barely wider than me. Anarax must have built this to lead a mortal to the bottom.
the bolded part needs to be rephrased, it's too wordy. I'm not sure what exactly you mean by the italicized part, and you could put the underlined bit into the description of the path in the first sentence, a la "a shallow, jagged path, barely wide enough for one person."
Once we went deeper and the sun no longer shone so brightly
Probably need to say that it's not penetrating the depths. This sounds like the sun itself is dimming.
After all Hassan did to push the suicide out of my mind, it comes up again?
Forgive me, but just a few moments earlier he was acknowledging that he wouldn't be coming back to the surface. Death is death.
The trail arced down the edge of what looked like a huge dome, the flue at its apex
Seems to me the change in angles would be enough that they couldn't get down without some sophisticated climbing equipment, or built-in handholds, like monkey bars, until the path reached the base of the dome.
I instinctively my ragged robe's pocket.
Left out a word here...
the god said harshly, but the voice... were impossible to read.
So how'd he know it was harsh? And "were" needs to be "was."
And, many more. I'll send you an email.