Timewaster's Guide Archive

Sorry for the late reply, busy week. 

I think that right now your biggest enemy is passive voice.  There is a ton of "was running" , "had feared", etc.  It won't take much effort to turn that into ran, feared, etc.  I believe you said this was your first novel.  It's common for the first novel to be filled with passive voice.  I think it's a subconcious way for the writer to distance themselves from the work. 

I can't imagine writing in a second language.  So congrats on that!  This is better than some novels I've seen from English writers.  I think your second biggest enemy is telling the reader instead of showing.  There is a lot of exposition in this prologue.  As the vast majority of the prologue is a chase scene, I think you should trim this down.  Shorten the sentences, especially when the action is taking place.  This will help speed up the read and aid the reader in feeling the frantic panic of the protagonist. 

I think that those two changes alone will vastly improve the prologue.  As first works go, it wasn't bad at all.  Oh, and I'm pretty sure by how worried she was about the book falling into their hands, that she definitely didn't leave the library with the tome in question.  Well done, if you've made some first time readers wonder, that's always a good sign!

@ Juan

A lot of your questions are answered in the previous chapters.  I know you just joined (welcome!) so I obviously don't expect you to know that :-)

Some of the answers to your questions are that the "mistakes" are intentional.  For instance, the difference between humours, which is italicized and humorist which is not.  The main difference is the spelling and the meaning... mainly that humours are part of their religion and dominate their class structure and a humorist is just describing someone of those humours.  Semantics?  Yes, but intentionally so. 

Similarly, Mathieu's thought process when confronted by the Sicarii might not be the answer I'd chose when faced with assassins, but then again, he's more dangerous than I am and he doesn't realize he's been poisoned yet.


I'm glad that you thought the Maestro's reaction was too much.  I was aiming for that.  Something is off about the man/situation and I want the reader to be getting red flags from that.  If you're confused, so much the better.  It gets resolved later on.

I really appreciate your feedback.  Some of the line edits/grammar usage were very helpful.  Thanks!

Hey hubay, quick comment on the discipline issue.  I would reccomend taking a look at Edward  Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.   The entire work is massive (I'm only 12% through according to my Kindle and I've been at it for over a week), but he describes in the very beginning the work ethic of the Roman Army.  It was simply incredible.  One of the first things to go with the Empire is the Army.  (first being relative as he takes up the narrative several hundred years after its birth with Caeser). 

Anyway, the Army begins to degrade for a number of factors.  First, is the increasing foreign content in the army.  Eventually the Army has so few true Romans in it that their allegiances are very weak.  Also, the practice of giving donatives  or bribes to the army weakens their allegiance.  With Emperors barely lasting a few years (in some cases a handful of days), the army's allegiance is bought with gold.  The tenuous grasp on the Empire allows the Army to lax in both their discipline and their preparedness.  When competing leaders use their own legions to fight for the throne, it really is the end of the Roman Army as it most think of it. True, for a time some Emperors managed to reverse the trend, but overall, it was over.

I'm mentioning this because I think it gives you a number of options to slip in to explain the lax in discipline and also give the reader the feeling that this is an Empire on it's knees.  An Empire that's been crumbling for some time and with this surge in barbarian opposition, it's strong facade is crumbling. 

As a side note, if you want a good idea of what the Roman Army was capable of in its hayday, read Julius Ceaser's Commentaries, simply amazing stuff.  (and nearly free on the Kindle).

Just my two cents.

Well, I guess they liked my first three chapters.  I've received a request for the full.  I'm excited, but I was in the same position a few months ago and it didn't work out.  I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone for the feedback.  I know that's helped strengthen my current work.  I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for the feedback guys!  @hubay, emailed you the chapter.

Also, one minor afterthought.  Jhuz's naivette allows you some leeway to simply explain things...i.e. explaining his treatment by his superior, explaining why giving up the prisoner was stupid.  So far it's been fine, but just be careful not to use it as a crutch.  You haven't, but it's something I could see slipping in if carried too far.

Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword

Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.


CH9:Dancing to the Piper's Tune

Mathieu recuperates at the Bent Man.  He is just beginning to realize the consequences of his actions.


Current Summary



CH10:  Walking the Knife's Edge



Mathieu finds himself an unwitting player in a very dangerous game.

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback!   

@akoebel, I know you said that the physiker scene wasn't a critique, but more questions, so I just wanted to address the surgical aspect.

I actually intended the scene to show how differently Cold Ones are from the rest of the populace.  i.e. wounds healing at an incredible rate, advanced rate of recovery, and the like.  You're quite correct, akoebel, in that a pierced femoral artery would normally cause death.  In this case, it was nicked, which is a minor departure, but as Mathieu is a Cold One, it did not kill him.  It did take him several days to recover, so it's not like he's super human by any stretch of the imagination.  Perhaps I'll add Eduardo putting a swift tourniquet around his leg before putting him in the boat or maybe make the physiker less sure of themselves.

The physiker isn't infalliable though.   Who's to say she was completely right in her diagnose/hope of treatment?  I, for one, always thought she was too eager to experiment on a comatose patient.  I think she would have been one of the types caught for body stealing before dissections were legalized.

When I wrote the scene I had already done quite an extensive bit of research into physicians.  It wasn't concering surgery, but rather plant/drug purposes.  Having said that, I stumbled upon some interesting tidbits.  Surgery was performed by Muslims well before the time period of this story.  Dissections were commonplace in Europe once the Vatican gave theirr approval.The humours that run through the people in my story enhance their natural attributes.  If say a warrior from our world went up against one from theirs, ours would lose.  In much the same way, a physiker of that time is more advanced than a physician of our world around the same time.

Having said all of this, I just wanted to let you know I didn't pull it out of thin air.  I've tried to carefully craft the technology and sciences of the period.  The main difference between rennaisciance Italy and Servenza is that the rare advances in Italy are common and perhaps even mundance in Servenza.

Mathieu's wound is closed by this point.  In fact, by the time he hobbles down the stairs it's already loosened up.  His main weakness now is loss of blood.  His humours may have sustained him, but they need time to replenish.  Time he might not have...

I'm glad you liked it!  Definitely keeping me on my toes and aware of what areas I provide too much detail.


Here's a very interesting, concise (read:  short) article about a muslim physician who died in 1013 near Cordoba.  His works were printed in Venice in 1471.  Amazing how advanced Moorish Spain was at the time.

http://www.ummah.com/history/scholars/el_zahrawi/