May 18 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 8

[ErikHolmes]

OKay, its a little late but I finally got this chapter done.

Quick recap: Kail and Ellie have traveled through a portal to another world. This chapter starts with Kail waking up in a strange cottage, Ellie is gone, and he has no idea where he is.

Hopefully I get more love then hate! Thanks in advance for the great advice

[Renoard]

Erik we love love you. . .

Each submission has gotten progessively better.  The tone defininately feels less rushed and you've begun to allow the reader to get to know you, before introducing new characters, at least with Kajsa.  Dad not so much, but it s a flashback so I forgive you.   The distincitves are clearly going to set this apart as a different world, though it might be better if he notices the star and the red planet a bit as he's passing out in chapter 7?  Then the detail descriptions in chapter 8 will be more comfortable for you.  But this was a good bridge, between his old life and what will become his new life and his quest.

There were the usuual sorts of typos that plague us all, e.g. "them" instead of "than"

"Okay, being angry with her was no longer an issue."
I had an issue with your use of the word issue.  This phrasing is vague enough to go either way.  A reader could infer that he'd lost the will to be angry with her.

"No electricity, running water, not even a radio."
His search was far to perfunctory and was interrupted too early for him to really know this, at least about the water and the radio.  Maybe she has one outlet hidden to charge the nicads that power her walkman?

The description of the moon was awkward.  It left me wondering how he knew about the rivers and seas on his new planet without having seen anything but savanna and hilltop.  This it dawned on me third sentence into the para that his observations were about the pink planet in the sky.  I don't think is due to my poor reading, but because you are struggling with getting the image across. Breaking it up and giving us a very short notice when he first steps through the portal would help you with this.
Another issue with the setting is the blue star.  Blue light is really different from the sodium yellow-white of our sun. In order for a smaller or more distant star to it would have to be piercingly bright, and to preserve anything approaching normal color, it would have to be nearly white with a faith bluish corona.

Good work and good improvement.

I'd give you a gold star and a check plus, but then I'd have to make a graphic, embed it in the file and send it back.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Great submission!  I really enjoyed it.

The flashback, I thought, was very evocative- to the point where I was almost crying.  So good job!  But, you might want to lead in with a bit of info about WHY they're at the store, what their relationship is currently and such, instead of just starting at the point where everything gets shot up.

Ok, I'm going to have to disagree a bit with Reonard, here.  I think the amount of observation inside the hut is a little too much for his current state.  He's almost died, he could still die, and honestly, I have no idea why he hasn't keeled over with all those magic items (except for the collar) removed from him.  But I guess that's just his "specialness" coming into play.  I would think that he'd eventually at least ask about why the collar feels cold sometimes and not at others, though, given his ability to comprehend other things.  I mean, really.     It's not like it's subtle or anything.

Kajsa (how do you pronounce that, btw... "Kaysa"?  "Kaiysa?"  "Kazza?") seems to go from knowing about Ellie to not knowing anything about her.  I mean, the way she reacts to Kail's questions about her says that she knows Ellie is alive and that she and Kail are together in some sense of the word... but then she goes on to say that when she first found Kail, he was alone.  So how would she have known about Ellie to be jealous if she never saw her?  Or is she lying to/misleading him for her own nefarious purposes?

I especially liked your ending line- sets things up nicely!

Overall, I think it's your strongest submission yet, and you're really starting to pull us into the story.

[ErikHolmes]

"No electricity, running water, not even a radio."
His search was far to perfunctory and was interrupted too early for him to really know this, at least about the water and the radio.  Maybe she has one outlet hidden to charge the nicads that power her walkman?

I probably need to throw in another paragraph for clarification, but by the time he's found the sword, it's obvious that this is nothing like a modern house. The floor of the cottage is just packed dirt, and the cottage only consists of two rooms, the room he was sleeping in, and the other area where the fireplace, table and cooking area is. I pictured it as really just a big circular building, with another building attached on as the 'bedroom'.

The description of the moon was awkward.  It left me wondering how he knew about the rivers and seas on his new planet without having seen anything but savanna and hilltop.  This it dawned on me third sentence into the para that his observations were about the pink planet in the sky.  I don't think is due to my poor reading, but because you are struggling with getting the image across. Breaking it up and giving us a very short notice when he first steps through the portal would help you with this.

I'm sure I'll have to re-work it. What I was trying to describe is a world like this:

The flesh colored world with the red scars and the world that Kail is on are actually part of a double planet system. The two worlds orbit a point in space between the two. My understanding is that two such planets could orbit very close to one another, closer even then the earth is to the moon now.

The smaller planet Kail sees is supposed to be an actual moon, I even played around with the idea of having the moon orbit both planets in some sort of figure eight orbit. LOL, I don't care if such a moon is statistically impossible . . . so is earths moon. 

Another issue with the setting is the blue star.  Blue light is really different from the sodium yellow-white of our sun. In order for a smaller or more distant star to it would have to be piercingly bright, and to preserve anything approaching normal color, it would have to be nearly white with a faith bluish corona.

I was thinking of the sun actually being a Class O star, and one that resides OUTSIDE the solar system of the planet Kail is on. (However that might work).

Good work and good improvement.

I'd give you a gold star and a check plus, but then I'd have to make a graphic, embed it in the file and send it back.

Thanks for the encouragement, you totally made my day when I read this!

[Renoard]

To be cold enough for plant life, I'm thinking it would need to be class B.  You need a little of the Red you get from the neutral Helium bands refracting in the atmosphere. ;P

Unless your thinking that the solar system has a big frosty Class M at it's center.

Still it'd be a pretty cold class O that made much white light. Course I'm no astronomer, or anything like it, and I certainly like the visual.

What sort of tidal force would a moon as big as ours cause on the binary planets. I'm thinking some weird slowing and jerking.  Wow what sort of weird light effects, you'd have eclipses every revolution around the foci and do the two planets revolve too?  That's some complicated system.

At any rate, some cues back when Kail first steps through the portal would help.  I'm tempted to do more than just critique so I'm shutting up now.

[Chaos]

I definitely agree with Renoard; this submission is your best yet! The flashback was suitably intense, and the writing seemed a caliber above what we've seen before from you. Fantastic work, I loved reading it!

You take a number of risks with this chapter which had me initially skeptical, but you made it work far better than I expected, so much so that I can't envision it any other way. What I mean is that normally, I'm not a huge fan of flashbacks. A lot of times they can be more cheesy than anything, but this worked fantastically.

Also, when Kail said that Kajsa was pretty, that made me roll my eyes, too. Maybe it was because Ellie found Sicko sort of dreamy that Kail's thought there seemed ridiculous at the time. However. I soon realized how important it was, and I absolutely loved the Kail/Kajsa dynamic (side note: If your viewpoint was third-person limited, having two names both start with a "K" might be a detriment. Having it in first person is a clever solution). The inter-character conflict made this chapter extremely entertaining to read.

Since I did this for the previous Sword of Worlds chapters, so I guess I will point out lines I particularly liked:

Okay, being angry with her was no longer an issue.

I think it was in part because Kajsa had paid no notice to the fact that I was nude, I never saw one flicker or glace from her that showed the slightest interest in my lack of clothing.

“My name is Kail, and you carried me,” I answered her, and she glared at me. I just grinned back at her.

She gave me a dirty look, “I think you know what I mean.”

I'm not sure "dirty" gives the right connotation, given the fact that Kail is obviously attracted to her. Maybe "dark"? (This wasn't a funny line, I just thought I'd mention it.)

I rolled my eyes at her, “Give me a break; I was kinda dying at the time.”
“I’ll break anything you’d like,” she told me with another dirty look.

-Still not sure if dirty is the word you want, but I love the line regardless

Now I can see what you mean when you were talking about needing to refine your magic system. I definitely liked how it turned out. As a physics guy, I really liked the two different methods of gaining invisibility. However, I'm not certain that bending light around you would make seeing any easier. In order to see when you're invisible, you'd have to let a small amount of light (the rays that are about to enter your eyes) not wrap around you (or go through you, as it is), so your eyes could absorb and perceive the images. At first, I bought your explanation that wrapping the light around you would make it easier to see (because the other method would rule it out immediately, for certain), but on further analysis, I don't see how any actual invisibility would also allow you to see.

Still, your magic system is looking very flexible, and I'm liking it.

I really don't have any major qualms with it. I can't even think of any more minor qualms. The descriptions seemed just about perfect--not TOO wordy, but enough detail. The pacing feels more comfortable, which is great. I actually liked the pacing of the introductory chapters, so I was worried the slower pace post-Portal would kill the book. I am extremely happy to report that it did not.

Simply put: if you can keep writing such great chapters, you're better writer than me!

[swaindaddy]

Man - i really like this one! Very unique and fun. I would buy the book. You got me hooked. A few minor things below.

"Something turned the latch and it swung inward. "

I would say someone not something.

"I really did jump through a portal to another world, like a wormhole or something. No wonder everyone wanted that sword. I could only begin to imagine the things you could do with something like that. I bet Ellie would—Ellie! How could I have forgotten about her?"

Maybe spend a little more time allowing him to absorb that amazing fact rather than a sentence here. And connecting the sword with it means he really quickly inderstands all of it. I think the reader gets it but slightly offputting to me that he does so in a couple sentences.

"I’d finished picking the herbs I needed for dinner, and you were still alive.” Kajsa didn’t seem the slightest bit guilty about admitting that she’d left me to bleed to death, alone."
I'd say she vs Kajsa in that sentence - little thing but hey...

"Then the sword started to glow, and cut a portal to this world in the air" Again he is very quick to accept it. Never having had the sword before.

"And as far as I can tell, the bracers aren’t magical, they are made of the finest dragon scales I’ve ever heard of"
Seen - not heard of.

“Just the teenage Americans.” I'd reword that - american tennagers or something else. He is American too so maybe just teenagers.

[ErikHolmes]

The flashback, I thought, was very evocative- to the point where I was almost crying.  So good job! 

Wow, thanks!

I can't think of a better compliment then that!

Ok, I'm going to have to disagree a bit with Reonard, here.  I think the amount of observation inside the hut is a little too much for his current state.  He's almost died, he could still die, and honestly, I have no idea why he hasn't keeled over with all those magic items (except for the collar) removed from him.  But I guess that's just his "specialness" coming into play.  I would think that he'd eventually at least ask about why the collar feels cold sometimes and not at others, though, given his ability to comprehend other things.  I mean, really.     It's not like it's subtle or anything.

I probably need to clean up my description of Kajsa's cottage. It's very primitive and simple. The floor is just dirt, and the walls are really just stacked rocks.

Kajsa (how do you pronounce that, btw... "Kaysa"?  "Kaiysa?"  "Kazza?") seems to go from knowing about Ellie to not knowing anything about her.  I mean, the way she reacts to Kail's questions about her says that she knows Ellie is alive and that she and Kail are together in some sense of the word... but then she goes on to say that when she first found Kail, he was alone.  So how would she have known about Ellie to be jealous if she never saw her?  Or is she lying to/misleading him for her own nefarious purposes?

Julie Write speaks Swedish and told me that it would be pronounced Kaj-Ah. As for Kajsa knowing about Ellie, she was just jealous that there was another woman at all. I might drop in a hint as to why in my next submission 

[ErikHolmes]

To be cold enough for plant life, I'm thinking it would need to be class B.  You need a little of the Red you get from the neutral Helium bands refracting in the atmosphere. ;P

Unless your thinking that the solar system has a big frosty Class M at it's center.

Still it'd be a pretty cold class O that made much white light. Course I'm no astronomer, or anything like it, and I certainly like the visual.

Ya, me either. I just tried to describe the visual that came to my mind, with the limited knowledge about planets and stars that I have. I liked the idea of a Class O just cause of the blueish white light. I know its a big problem because its my understanding that planets cannot even develop atmosphere while in the same solar system as a Class O, they are just too hot and burn off any that might form, even at like Pluto's distance. Which is why it looked so small to Kail, it would have to be outside the solar system he is currently in. A Class O is a million times more powerful then our sun.

What sort of tidal force would a moon as big as ours cause on the binary planets. I'm thinking some weird slowing and jerking.  Wow what sort of weird light effects, you'd have eclipses every revolution around the foci and do the two planets revolve too?  That's some complicated system.

Haha, ya, I ran into Eric James Stone at Conduit and we were talking about it. A Binary Planet could apparently orbit its twin a lot close then the moon now orbits earth, so the planet could probably be even large in the sky then I describe it. It's my understanding though that it might not effect the tides at all. It depends on how they orbit each other.

[ErikHolmes]

"Something turned the latch and it swung inward. "

I would say someone not something.

Good suggestion, I changed it 

And thanks for all of the great suggestions and comments, hopefully you guys all like the next chapter as much!

[Flo_the_G]

Bending light around you would in fact make it impossible for you to see, as Chaos surmised, as would any other sort of invisibility involving the manipulation of light. Once light hits your eyes, they're visible again. I don't think any kind of explanation is necessary there, though. It's magic, anything is possible, and physics be damned.

Also, wormholes would supposedly rip you apart if you entered them (should they exist), so you shouldn't try explaining anything with science if you don't absolutely have to, because science takes all the fun out of funtasy (see what I did there? ).  Without the explanation, people go "Ooh, invisibility." With it, they go "Hey, can you even see if light is bent around you?"

Bronze swords. Those are, by nature, short, because as they get longer, they become highly bendable. According to Wikipedia (whatever that's worth) bronze swords shouldn't be longer than 60 cm. Bronze-coloured swords, however...

Anyway, those are all minor things that are easily fixed. I'd actually thought that Kail's slightly humorous air would be beginning to get on my nerves by now, but it turns out that it's becoming ever more refreshing. I also have to very much concur as to the ending of the chapter, which was great.

[Renoard]

Well some glass is clear as in it passes visible light spectra, but reflects UV.  If you became transparent like glass, only with a 0 refractivity in the visible spectra only and ALSO shifted your visual perception by about 300 nanometers into the the UV you'd be able to see and not be seen.  Though some distortion and refraction might occur in the air passing around you.

[Flo_the_G]

Then you'd have the problem of being seen by animals or other non-humans, am I right? Because I think there'll be a creature that can see you no matter in what part of the spectrum you are. And in that case, it would be highly likely that someone had found out about it and trained one of them accordingly, if invisibility were common enough. Or someone could have constructed goggles... sounds like a great idea, story-wise.

Still, I maintain that you don't need an explanation, even though you now apparently have a scientifically sound one.

[Renoard]

Echo location would light you up like a Christmas tree.

[Silk]

"My chest was wrapped in bandages and smelled awful..." What does it smell like?

Seems Kail went to calling it "his" sword awfully quickly. And he seems awfully unselfconscious when Kajsa comes in--does he wander around naked often?

(Okay, he forgot, I'll buy that, but he still doesn't seem that embarassed or anything else when she reminds him.)

"I soon realized that it had to be another world..." I'm not sure whether Kail is talking about the moon or the world he's in, but either way it doesn't really work for me, I'm afraid.

I am really starting to wonder why Kail doesn't even spare a thought for those four people he killed.

As far as nomenclature goes, I like "The Sword of Worlds" much better than the Sword of Light. Which sounds like... Zelda. (Even though the sword in the Zelda game is the Master Sword. I have no idea why I thought of that.)

"I—wait, could something I was wearing have kept me alive?" This seems a little too... easy. Or rather, I thoght it was odd that Kail might be able to make that leap right now. I think I'd rather see Kasja be the one bring this up. Her remark about "The Sigils shouldn't have kept you from dying" would probably suffice.

"Still, I guess it beat answering phones." I could see this sort of reaction coming a bit later, maybe, but right now I'm feeling like neither of your characters are finding all this as overwhelming as they should.

"Dance!' I told her, pointing the ring at her, and taking the high road."

Aside from the fact that "taking the high road" sounds a little awkward here... Ugh. *facepalm* Boys.

Okay. Overall I really enjoyed this section, and think you've got some great development here, but. It really bugs me that Kail has literally not even spared a thought for the four people that he violently killed. I mean really. (And again--I think this whole thing should be a lot more overwhelming than it seems for either Kail or Ellie.)

I agree with Ravenstar in that a bit more information about the father/son relationship might make the flashback more effective. Not necessarily in the flashback itself; then you'd just run the risk of overloading us, or making us feel like you'd told us this stuff just so you could get a rise out of us. But a few tidbits inserted into earlier chapters could go a long way--for more than the purposes of just this flashback, really, since it could help us get to know Kail a little better and it wouldn't hurt you to slow the beginning down some, I don't think.

I'll add my voice to the chorus; you've definitely improved with this submission, and I liked the last line of the chapter.