Timewaster's Guide Archive

Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword



Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.




Current Summary:



CH9:Dancing to the Piper's Tune


Mathieu recuperates at the Bent Man.  He is just beginning to realize the consequences of his actions.

I'd like to submit my next chapter.

The exposition is a bit heavy in places.  I think that once you add the descriptions in, it will even out.  The dialogue was pretty good throughout.

She flushed. “Not really … he just thought I should put the idea in the had that I would be impressed by you deciding fight"
That sentence doesn't make sense, I think you just messed up some of the wording.  Also, I think that you should have some sort of descriptor before the next sentence ( he wasn't that crude).  Otherwise, it feels like one long sentence and as it's refuting the previous statement, it feels awkward.  A sigh, snort, chuckle, grin, or something of that nature would help differentiate between the two.

Instead of having the number 20 and 60, I think it should be written out.  Better yet you could use something like a score and threescore.  That's something you have to decide, but definitely have it written out.

I'm having trouble with all of the different terms.  There are so many that it's really hard to keep them separated.  I know its early in the story yet, but I feel that either the terms should be dialed down or better explained.  I don't mind the steep learning curve, but I think others might and it is a little heavy.

Having said that, if I were reading this in a book, I'd be intrigued enough to read on.  I liked the prose, although I still think the lack of description is hurting the story.  I'm glad that we got Jhuz's reaction.  Up until this point I didn't realize how naive/young/green he was.  Now that I do, it throws the previous chapters into a whole new light.  I missed the first chapter or two so maybe that was already stated.  Either way, I really liked the fact that he wasn't perfect and didn't realize what was going on.  Hopefully he begins to mature/grow and we see him do that as the story progresses (and still fail a few times along the way). 

All in all, a good chapter.  I'm interested to see how the scouting goes, how the new commander handles things, and if the Legion will be able to stay cohesive after such disastrous blows.

Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

Current Summary:



CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword



Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.

I'd like to submit again.

I'd like to submit again.

I think that any answer to this question is geared towards a rash generalization.  Having said that, I think the true test is what writers do after they have a very successful book(s) and have a lot of money.  Take Stephen King for instance, that guy could have stopped ages ago, but he still turns out good books consistently...because it's in his blood, not for the money (Full Dark, No Stars is highly reccomended btw, I especially loved his afterward which would be a good answer to this question).  Other writers hit it big and suddenly dry up...to me if you're a writer, you won't ever stop.

Alright, first impressions:  I liked it.  There's some mystery there and it's starting to intrigue me.  I still feel like this bare bones though with little description and all action, dialogue, and exposition.  It makes it very hard for me to get drawn fully in, because you haven't given me a clear enough picture to work with.  Especially with all of the foreign names, characters, and creatures.  That's fine if the rest is solidly grounded.  As it is, I feel like I'm in a world only half drawn.  The beginning wasn't bad, but as soon as Jhuz leaves the tent, the description falls apart.  It's all action, but I couldn't tell you where they are, the terrain, the weather, the effect the attack is having on the encampment, etc.

Ex.  Jhuz is flying over the encampment, but we don't get a large impression of what's going on.  Is this like ants overruning crumbs of bread (barbarians and tents) or is it little pockets of resistance, or is it a single, precision strike right there.

The Medusi weren't badly done, but I think you should use a different word to describe thier arms.  It's hard to see paper being that strong.  I keep thinking of toilet paper and it doesn't mesh with throwing trees and rocks.  Now, a clear, ribbon of membrane, that I could see working.  Also, you switched once or twice to Madusi. 

I missed out on a lot of the beginning, but I thought the reveal was appropriate.  The reaction to the reveal, I didn't think was executed as well as it should have been.  Granted, it's in the middle of a fight, but there's little thought given to it.  Yes, Jhuz wretches and feels sick afterwards, but that's it.  There's no recurring thought in the back of his mind, there's no anger, there's...nothing.  Just acceptance and we move on.  I want a reaction, positive, negative, whatever. 

The problem with a writing group is that we only have one chapter in front of us.  It could be that the next chapter really digs into Jhuz's reaction, I hope it is.  If it were a novel, I'd turn the page and find out, so if that's the case, I apologize in advance.

One last small note, I don't think you should use the term screwing in the final page there.  If you have latin then use another term for it.  Also, if you have centuries, why not centurions instead of captains?  Or did I miss that part?

I really like where you're going with this.  It sounds interesting.  It is a little hard to juggle around all of the names, especially when you drop the tags and have them arguing when they are several characters together.  I feel like that description would really pull this together.  You do good with the sickly Legate.  Even the Cobra officer.  Little descriptors that reoccur over and over again help the reader identify with the characters, even if thier names are alien.  Also, I think you're letting the plot run everything.  Jhuz sounds like he has the potential to be interesting.  The other players, I don't know thier motivations and that's fine, but I want to eventually.  And I want them to have motivations, not just be there to move the plot along.


If you can delve into the psyche of the characters and just put a little more description in, I think this novel has a lot of potential thus far.