All right, here we go. I'll try to separate the critique into sections. Hopefully that helps.
SUMMARYJason, a very dedicated (zealous) worshipper of the Goddess, and assassin who likes his job just a little too much, murders a man and a woman during the Festival. Chief Inspector Daniels is assigned the case, and catches a small break when a woman across the hall tells him the couple went to a restaurant in their fancy clothes. Two days after the murder, we see Jason worship the goddess and prepare for his assassin training.
CHARACTER I really enjoy Chief Inspector Daniels much more than Jason. But I would assume I'm supposed to, at least at this point. There's something about Jason that screamed serial killer in the first chapter of the book, but then it comes out later that he's actually a hired killer. What I'm taking from that is that he's one of those assassins that enjoys his work a little too much. Assassin/religious zealot would probably do that. I'm interested to see what his rationalization for killing people despite the First Law is.
As far as character dialogue, I enjoyed parts of it quite a bit. However, the scene with Daniels and the Forensic team felt a little...well, I guess stilted works here. I felt like the sentences should be a bit shorter, with more contractions. If they've done this sort of thing before (inspected a murder scene), they'll likely be quick with their sentences.
EX: “Nothing,” came the muffled voice of one man after a few minutes. “It has been picked clean. There is evidence of some essence on the body, but it has been damaged by some corrosive.”
“All of it?” Daniels asked. “Surely there is some residue?”
The way I'd imagine it: "“Nothing,” came the muffled voice of one man after a few minutes. “Picked clean. There's evidence of some essence on the body, but it's been damaged by some corrosive.”
“All of it?” Daniels asked. “Surely there's something?”
Now, if the Forensic team speaks like that because of culture or whatever, that's fine, but Daniels seems to speak with shorter sentences with contractions in his head (or at least the narrator does) so I felt like his dialogue should be that way, too.
Now, on the positive side, I really LIKE the different feel between the two characters. Jason is all business, while the inspector takes the time to complain about the photographer, comment on the intelligence of his underlings, etc. It's almost like two separate books.
SETTINGThe potential downside of a story feeling like two different books is that it's a little jarring the first time we move to the inspector. I had this stereotypical fantasy setting in my head, and when we suddenly had cops on the scene, it all went to hell. This could easily be fixed in the first chapter by including some further description of the setting that helps the reader see that this isn't your typical MEWM (Medieval Europe With Magic) setting so it's not so jarring for them.
Also (and I NEVER would have said this a year ago) I want to see more description of the world around the characters, particularly Jason. What's in his room? Is it incredibly spartan like I imagine it (bed, wash stand, stuff to worship the goddess and that's it?) or are there swords and knives and a Bowflex and season two of Big Bang Theory and a half eaten bowl of Cocopuffs?
Critiquer's note: It would probably be in your best interest to NOT include any of the items listed after "swords and knives"PLOTYour plot is great. Everything seems pretty logical. It all fits together well. I get the feeling that you know where you're going with this story, and I'm happy to be along for the ride.
So yeah, there's my two cents. Nice work on the plot, give me some more description (which will also help the reader get a better idea of who your characters really are) and maybe tighten up the dialogue with a few contractions and incomplete sentences (ghasp, I know, but it's how we talk). Really great job, and I look forward to reading more!