The first thing I thought when I finished the chapter was that it was too long for what it tried to do. I think you can probably trim some stuff here and there to give the chapter some momentum. On the whole the chapter was pretty good, though the start was slow. I just don’t care much about Darkclaw waiting on his ship preparing and explaining every little thing. Things get a lot better when they arrive at the space station, though there are some things there that kind of threw me. I’ll get into that in just a bit.
The first paragraph about the command structure reads like a jumbled mess. While the High Lord is in command, Darkclaw is in command. What? And then he gives command to a commander. Double what? There are three commanders and they’re all in command…I get what you’re trying to say, but that’s not what you’re actually saying.
Darkclaw goes to the armoury and then you explain that an armoury holds weapons and armour. You don’t really need to explain it though, it’s a pretty common term. Like LTU I think Darkclaw focussed too much time on the armour rather than the weapons. He also kind of scoffs the use of weapons, which for a warrior is odd.
After the armoury and putting on his armour he goes back to the bridge and asks how long it’s going to take to get to the station – he’s told it will take almost four hours. This is backwards, why put on the armour before he knows his arrival time? For all he knew he’s getting all dressed up days too soon.
You’ve got a lot of different ranks in this story. In this chapter there’s commander, praetor, executor, high lord. The different ranks feel like a mix of different cool sounding ranks, without much cohesion. As an aside, praetor and executor make me think of the Protoss in Star Craft.
It feels to me like Darkclaw explains too much and he does that in the previous chapters too. When he prepares the battle plan, going over the station’s weaknesses I wondered if aside from leader and warrior he’s some kind of engineer too.
The station has no defences – it may be a library but it’s also a space station in the middle of nowhere. If all the species have fleets and militaries it’s because those things are needed. Just letting a station float around without defences is asking for trouble. Also, there are manuscripts aboard? Really, physical books on a space station? That made me pause for a moment.
Finally there are the two things that kind of threw me out of the story. Both happen near the end.
The first happens when Darkclaw is on the station talking to the hostages. Here’s a monstrous figure whose army just killed the security personnel, threatens to kill the hostage if he doesn’t comply and the hostage is apparently shocked by Darkclaw’s callousness, and then the man says “Would you really kill us now, after deliberately sparing us so far?” Yes. They are alive because, unlike the security personnel they can be of use. The man refused and has thus outlived his usefulness. Yes, Darkclaw will kill him. There are others who will comply after the first guy gets shot. The question this hostage asks is just stupid. And then it gets worse. “You don’t seem like one who would want to kill an innocent person”. What? That’s exactly what he seems like! Who is this fool?
The last thing that bugged me was Darkclaw’s plan to make it seem like pirates attacked the station. Yes, that’s a good idea. What’s not a good idea is to leave behind dozens of survivors who have seen that the Troodons are not pirates and who know the Troodons came for knowledge. It completely defeats the purpose.