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Reading Excuses / Re: February 25 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God, Guli 3
« on: February 25, 2010, 01:45:29 PM »
A nice read in general - I really liked the plot and how it all swiftly moved forward. And it left me wanting to read the next Guli part, which is good.
The one thing that disturbed me - and I mean a lot - is Guli himself. He's totally unconvincing. He speaks like a 5 year old but sees the world as an adult would do. There's a huge discrepancy between the style of description and his mono/dialogue. How can he be able to perfectly analise the situation when he thinks about freeing himself from the chains (cause-effect, needed tools, risk assesment, etc) and then say: 'that was mean' when somebody kills his friend? Ok, so I accept that he might be mentally disturbed and act younger (that is speak, because there's not that much of an action coming from him) than he is, but then he wouldn't see everything as it is described in the chapter. If you cut out the very few lines of his thoughts that are not vocalised, this chapter could be from someone else's POV that is a witness and simply describes everything that happens to Guli. The other kids need improvement too - except Lazula, who actually feels real. Their behaviour is simply artificial. 'They killed all mummies and daddies' lol. I suggest that you grab some kids/YA book and see how a kids pov is constructed. I know it usually takes away from the world description and depth, but a child simply views things different. Especially a child that speaks the way Guli does.
Another, maybe less important, thing is Dala's part. First thing - the switch between POVs is confusing. I had to go back and check how it actually happens the moment Guli passed out. Obviously, it couldn't be his POV afterwards, but the moment when you switch is not that obvious (and it only adds to my feeling that it's actually some third person describing everything).
Second - does she actually have any feelings? You might have wanted to cut her story short, as it is Guli's chapter after all, but it feels strange. Either she is some well trained super hero that saves people every other day, or she's not real. If she were in shock she wouldn't be planning everything so clearly (anyway, she was just woken from sleep, wasn't she?), if she's not - she's got to feel something. Her world is crumbling before her eyes - and she goes about saving her life and her family as she would about sweeping the floor. You have to give her some emotions through out the whole thing, not only at the end.
So I guess plot wise it marks very good, but the characters need serious work.
The one thing that disturbed me - and I mean a lot - is Guli himself. He's totally unconvincing. He speaks like a 5 year old but sees the world as an adult would do. There's a huge discrepancy between the style of description and his mono/dialogue. How can he be able to perfectly analise the situation when he thinks about freeing himself from the chains (cause-effect, needed tools, risk assesment, etc) and then say: 'that was mean' when somebody kills his friend? Ok, so I accept that he might be mentally disturbed and act younger (that is speak, because there's not that much of an action coming from him) than he is, but then he wouldn't see everything as it is described in the chapter. If you cut out the very few lines of his thoughts that are not vocalised, this chapter could be from someone else's POV that is a witness and simply describes everything that happens to Guli. The other kids need improvement too - except Lazula, who actually feels real. Their behaviour is simply artificial. 'They killed all mummies and daddies' lol. I suggest that you grab some kids/YA book and see how a kids pov is constructed. I know it usually takes away from the world description and depth, but a child simply views things different. Especially a child that speaks the way Guli does.
Another, maybe less important, thing is Dala's part. First thing - the switch between POVs is confusing. I had to go back and check how it actually happens the moment Guli passed out. Obviously, it couldn't be his POV afterwards, but the moment when you switch is not that obvious (and it only adds to my feeling that it's actually some third person describing everything).
Second - does she actually have any feelings? You might have wanted to cut her story short, as it is Guli's chapter after all, but it feels strange. Either she is some well trained super hero that saves people every other day, or she's not real. If she were in shock she wouldn't be planning everything so clearly (anyway, she was just woken from sleep, wasn't she?), if she's not - she's got to feel something. Her world is crumbling before her eyes - and she goes about saving her life and her family as she would about sweeping the floor. You have to give her some emotions through out the whole thing, not only at the end.
So I guess plot wise it marks very good, but the characters need serious work.