Timewaster's Guide Archive
General => Everything Else => Topic started by: 42 on July 24, 2004, 01:47:45 AM
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So to continue the things you wish you could say at work, what about things you wish you could say in a job interview?
For me, I would love to answer the typical question of "Where do you imagine yourself being in five, ten years?" with:
"I picture myself on tropical beach in Mexico, which is where I'll have to go to hide from the authorites when I murder my next incompetent boss."
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When I interviewed at Sento, the HR woman asked me, "What things really bother you?"
What I wanted to say was, "Stupid people, I wish they would all die."
What I did say was some crap about people who aren't team players and cause problems instead of solving them.
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In one interview, they asked why I wanted to teach at their school.
Somehow saying "Well, because I just graduated and I need a real job and your school is close enough to me that I can drive there without too much hastle." probably wouldn't cut it.
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'Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?'
'In your chair bucko.'
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well, this isn't interviews, but here's a list of resume don'ts my friends and I came up with a few years ago. I suppose it'd be a good idea not to say this in interviews either.
"Invented the Internet"
"Found cure for cancer"
"Brought peace to the Mid-East"
"In The Guiness Book of World Records for eating an entire bicycle"
"Once scared a man to death just by glaring at him."
"Single handedly paid off the National Debt with Monopoly money"
"Won on 'Survivor'"
"Built a small pyramid out of softdrink cans"
"3 years experience as Andy Roony's stunt double."
"I make really good chocolate pies"
"Enjoys long walks in the rain"
"Hold world record for sticking 2 dozen marbles up my nose."
"Have pictures of you with that girl in account receivable."
"Uncanny ability to nap through anything
"Successfully dodged the draft in '68"
"I'm really Elvis"
"I shot JR"
"I'm a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you."
"Mel Blanc is my dad"
"Hold the Ohio high score in Quake"
"Flatulence registers on the Richter scale"
"Can make IRC look like work related activity"
"Can quickly hide the windows with porn web sites behind business pages if anyone looks"
"Need a job interview before my mom rides my ass about being unemployed again"
"Chapter president of AA"
"Reigning champion of the Brooklyn drug deal-a-thon"
"Successfully cracked the CIA database"
"Can make any business document look professional without making sense."
"I think your daughter is really hot"
"Just applying to your business so I can tell the unemployment office I tried for 3 different jobs."
"You have a cute butt."
"I don't remember much from that period of my life"
"Currently employed as legal counsel to Microsoft"
"I smoked, but didn't inhale"
"Most of my previous employers are suddenly and brutally murdered
"Personally aquainted with the Unabomber"
"Had all my shots"
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"Successfully cracked the CIA database"
Depending on where you're applying, this could open up all sorts of employment doors.
Of course, they'd all be for the MAN, but hey. Who wouldn't want to get paid for a hobby?
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What would you say is your greatest weakness?
Kryptonite.
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of course that's the wrong answer. You never tell anyone your REAL weakness.
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Of course not. Especially now that there might be some ninja monkey assassins that could capitalize on the information.
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when interveiwing for a teaching or babysitting job
Do you like children?
Oh I love kids especially beer-battered and fried.
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Answer this question:
What is your greatest weakness?
I don't have any of course.
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If I told you that I'd have to kill, but then be thwarted because I had given you the means to kill me.
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I only need this job to supplement my black market pen and furniture buisness.
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Why do you want to work here?
Who wants to know!?
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my parole officer says I'm a people person.
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How will this job help you in your career plans?
Well, this job is merely a cover while I earn enough money to buy a universal transmitter that will enable me to try to take over the world.
(Gee, Brain. Me and Pippi Longstocking? What will the kids look like?)
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References? ummmm.... do they have to be legal immigrants?
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(Gee, Brain. Me and Pippi Longstocking? What will the kids look like?)
I was always fond of "Quickly, Pinky! We must get to Carly Simon's house by 6:00 or we'll never know if that song was about me!"
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"Do you have any references?"
"Yeah, you know that page of numbers and e-mail addresses you can get ahold of me with? Call or E-mail any one of those."