Timewaster's Guide Archive

I'm sad, because your email appears to be stuck somewhere along teh intarwebz - and the suspense is killing me.

Overall, I think your narration needs a touch more POV-colouring. As is, you could just as well switch to 3rd person limited without changing a lot, which is to say that the narrators aren't entirely convincing yet (or maybe I should say that they could be yet more convincing). Don't get me wrong, there are some excellent lines, like the one about the motorcycle, but there's lots of room for more of those.

You've already elaborated on Kail's background here, but that definitely needs to go into the first chapter somewhere. Even then, however, Kail seems far too calm. Maybe a seasoned veteran of many battles would behave like that, but I'd expect any bloke of around my own age to run away screaming from any gunfight (i.e. to display some kind of hysterical reaction, act on instinct more than logic, etc.). Picking up the pistol I could believe (and I could believe it more easily if I knew more about the character), but taking a shower in Lance's flat? That's akin to having him stroll through town whistling happy tunes, displaying not a care in the world, while being targeted with tactical air strikes and heavy sniper fire.

On the topic of gunfights: people do not act as impenetrable shields against bullets. Holding someone in front of yourself would probably even aggravate the situation, because the bullet would be slowed down in the other guy, begin tumbling, and come to a stop somewhere inside you. Which, as far as I know, is worse than having a clean hole punched through you. There's a Mythbusters episode on the topic, I think, you can use that as "research"... ^^

If you wanted the shielding-thing to work, the gunmen would have to be using hollow point ammo. That wouldn't exactly diminish the amount of blood you need to describe, though. By the way, the fact that the bottle didn't break was great, that somehow establishes a general sense of realism for the entire scene.

I'm not too sure how to best change chapter two, but it feels pretty forced at the moment. Lots of infodumping, nothing actually happens, and then there's the confusing chronology on top of it all. The low point here was the dialogue with Kail's mother. My thoughts there were on the lines of: "Oh, so Kail knows Kung Fu, how very subtle." It could be best to have some more exposition before the action starts, and then to keep up the action throughout the changing POVs. It could also work to have lots of action in the beginning and then to work with flashbacks and the like, leaving the reader to curse you as suspense grows.

What else... there's a decidedly Matrix-esque feel to the first and third chapters. In the third it's only the fact that he suddenly has lots of cool weapons and a trenchcoat, the first opens with a scene that could have been lifted directly from the movie, what with cubicles and agents that are apparently possessed by some strange power (and supernatural fighting abilities).

All criticism aside, there are some great passages in there, considering that it's a first draft. Also, most of the above will probably become obsolete once you've edited superficially, and Kail's plot at least leaves me guessing what might happen next (Ellie hasn't really done anything, yet). I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapters.

For some reason I've started with number 7... I'll be back later on and begin at the top, I suppose. 


7.
a) I had a few initial difficulties distinguishing the different bad guys. I think the first time you mentioned Zael (after his initial appearance) my mind went "who?!", and I wasn't exactly sure whether I should recognise the name or not. In the first encounter, I believe he and his boss simply got mixed up in my head, or I took Zael to be an unimportant minion, or something similar.

Apart from that, the only ambiguous thing left is the general flair of the setting.  I think you should do more to better establish that very early on, otherwise readers might be surprised when elements appear that don't fit into their very first impression. Much of that ambiguity probably stems from how little you described Hallastan. You've nourished the general idea of people settling in the ruins of a lost culture with vastly superior technology quite well, especially in the later chapters, so I'd say I have a quite firm grasp on the setting, as well as on the plot in general.

b) I'm always most interested in the setting, whatever I read, and it's the same here. Consequently, I favour those scenes in which anything at all is revealed about the lost civilisation and/or their technology.  I'm not too sure about the characters, yet, as I think you've improved all of them since the early chapters.

c) On the "maybe" side, I'd say Dantes might possibly join the bad guys. On the "probably" side, I'd say that Zael will join the good guys. And Marlin might just become a Crystalheart.


8.
a) Sounds logical.
b) Possible, although he might also listen to the kid.
c) That possibility hadn't even occurred to me. Interesting...
d) That, however, had occurred to me, and I think it's very probable.
e) That, too, is possible. It would fit in nicely with all the hints dropped during Zael's last scenes.


9.
The only thing I can think of off the top of my head is what I mentioned early on, namely that the beginning needs more scenes from different POV's,  to make it clearer that it's not only Aermyst who's an important character. But you've probably changed all of that by now anyway.


10.
The parts about the lost civilisation reminded me of Wheel of Time a lot, specifically that one book that deals with the history of WoT (not part of the actual series). And the entire thing with Crystalhearts being respected and influential and all that in the olden days is, of course, faintly reminiscent of the Jedi in Star Wars.


11.
I only recognised one of those names (Deragon), so no.
I like scenes with Tristan, though. I can also see, however, how maintaining his facade of "very mysterious bloke" could be difficult in scenes told from his POV.

Didn't fool me. Not at all. No siree. *cough*

Now don't you go and bring logic into this, that's just not fair.

Usually it's not a problem anyway, because I read the stuff and then sort it properly, I just felt like sharing my surprise when I first opened that folder after weeks of merely copying files into it without actually opening it.

Ooh, sci-fi! Feel free to ask me if you want to make it harder (i.e. "more hard sf-y"), I've spent way too much time reading about mass accelerators, particle beams and warp drives on the internets. So while I'm (definitely) no expert, I do know what happens when you switch on your headlights while travelling at light speed, if only because I've read "The Physics of Star Trek".

What's this I hear about me being supposed to hand in a term paper a week from now? I guess I should start writing that then...

I'll be lying low for the next few weeks, just so you know. After that I'll probably be wanting to join the hallowed ranks of submitters, however. There, I've said it, there's no backing out now.