This was not the whitish precipitation that accompanied the processes of life; there was no life here to shed its offal into the waters below.
There are a lot of big words in here. I'm not against big words in books per say, but it is enough of a change from the style in context around it that it seems jarring.
Selendy tried very hard not to think of them as the Usurper's teeth.
Nice touch.
Okay, so Selendy's mother gave her some kind of priesthood ability that makes water glow. I guess this will be important later, but right now I'm basically going "so what?"
The section of paragraphs from "Selendy awoke to find it dark outside..." to "...once it left the canyon and sunk into the sand," seems like it could be spiced up a bit. Right now its pretty monotonous.
I'm getting the impression that you are using big words without much of a reason for it. It doesn't really feel like purple prose yet, but it is a little jarring. For example, you will say "cognizant" instead of "aware", or "equilibrium" instead of "balance". Clearly not a major issue, but I would just take a closer look at it and come up with a good reason for it.
Hrrm...to me the ending felt pretty anticlimactic. Is this
really how it happened?
First of all, I don't understand how her father got from here:
Her father began to fade away. "I can't. I'm sorry."
to here:
*Daughter,* whispered a gentle voice in her mind. *Look!* A vision opened to her mind of her mother embracing her father, and they two shone with joy. *See how the lost are redeemed.*
in a few hours. Also, what happened to Hafona?
*There will be others to find, and save. Will you give yourself to this work, to atone for the life you have taken?*
That felt pretty campy.
It wouldn't fix all of these issues, but I would suggest that she have the conversation with her father WHILE she is trying to bridge the gap between the earth and the sea.
Clearly there is a theme of betrayal and reunification running throughout the story, especially this last installment; I would take that even further. What is the backstory between the two gods? Is there any way you can extend your theme to the war between the land and the sea?
I thought you did a very good job of translating the setting into the prose. The story felt dry and gritty, not in the way that gritty is normally used to refer to dark fantasy but just a sort of sandy realism. I don't know if that makes much sense
I really like the short story you have here. It was a great read. Hafona was a fascinating character that I wish I'd been able to read more about! However, I really feel like you can do much better with the ending.
The Ending
Things I Liked. Things I Didn't.
-Mother and father reuniting. Although, -Tefuna's last words. It basically seems like he is asking
I might have liked it just as much if it her to become mother Teresa.
was not clearly stated that they were -No mention of Hafona. He was one of my favorite
reunited, only implied that someday they characters and I had hoped we were going to hear a bit
might be. more about his back story.
-The seed beginning to sprout. Its a promise
that even when there is no hope, life still has
a chance. (I can't believe I actually wrote
something that trite; really, I did like it.)