We HEAR the opening strains of ‘Nighttrain
Is this G&R’s nighttrain? Or is this an original score?
What does (Beat) mean?
05 – Post battle
The dialogue feels stilted. Sometimes their using slang and other times they are rather articulate. It seems like your trying to get across the arch-type clumsy teenager, but they seem more like zombies talking to one another.
Page 12, line 25: This might be a better place to show and not tell. Have it revealed that there is someone “dark” watching her. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about it anyway, so why would she?
(On the other hand, I believe you said this would be a personally funded film so that option might not work. Of course, you could be a whiz at special effects and know how to pull it off. Anyway, it just doesn’t seem in character for her to say something like that at this point.)
07 - Sword training:
Glaives: This weapon seems out of place in the list. All the others could and most often are used with one hand. Re-enforcing the hand-held as being singular, just being held with one hand. However, I might just be a little nit-picky on that score.
When you refer to the nephilim, are you meaning giants, or giant-like beings?
By the end of act one the dialogue between the two youths warms up. They put on more flesh but still have a wooden feel in the way they speak to one another. But their actions feel more normal now.
While I tend to gravitate away from any religious-(like or related) stories, I’ve found yours intriguing. Your mix of military and ministry brings a singular picture to mind.
Very entertaining.