Granite Sunrise

[wcarter4]

If anyone hasn't received a copy by 1 pm send me a message. The university mail is sometimes quirky about well...working. Blast away...

[Reaves]

Very interesting. At first I didn't understand that the two men fighting knew each other well/ used to have a master/apprentice relationship?? I love the idea, but you might want to make it a bit clearer.

Fighting with a knife as long as your hand doesn't seem that long. Maybe the knives are supposed to be for eating? But then it doesn't make sense for it to be cloth-wrapped...

It doesn't quite make sense for Vales to be worried about spilling blood on the guys floor b/c he want Dahael to protect him after he just killed him. Maybe you'll explain that later.
On the other hand, I thought it was pretty good how you presented what Vales was doing as a superstition, then make us think its part of your magic system.

This chapter seemed a bit short, but good. I'm interested in your world and your magic system. You haven't quite sold me on the characters yet, but its still early.

[Frog]

Hmm….well it was interesting, and you have a good writing style (really liked the banter at the beginning), but to be honest this would not hook me at all. I mean, Daheal is obviously an assassin, (a pretty low point to start out from in my opinion) and I haven’t seen any qualities that redeem him, so I’m not too interested in what happens to him next (besides maybe some just desserts). You said that this is not your MC, and if this was a book, I probably would keep reading at this point just to see where you take it from here, but the next section would have to be good to keep me going after that. But that could just be me. I know some darker fantasy readers that would probably tell you otherwise.
Oh and one nitpicky thing I just noticed; “He went back upstairs to then returned a minute later carrying some papers,” needs some revision. Good luck 

[wcarter4]

Thanks Reeves I'll work on clearing up the language regarding the knives. One serious question I have is you seemed to have gotten Vales and Dahael confused in your comments. It's supposed to be Vales' house/rugs, did you just get the names mixed up in your comments, or do I need to make  serious revisions to that too?

p.s. DARN YOU FOR GUESSING!

Frog, thank you for your comments. Just one or two more like yours and I probably will leave this prologue out.

[Reaves]

Oh lol sorry, I did get the names mixed up   

[M]

Great story!  I like how we jumped right into the fight, caught my attention and kept me reading.  This is exactly what you want, and you nailed it.

A couple of minor points:  I agree with Reaves, it is not clear on the relationship of these two men at all. 

“Forgive me.” Dahael said lowering into a fighting stance, “I don't want this to come between us in the future.”

 
This is more of a question, but the guy is trying to kill the other guy.  If he plans on winning, and for  his sake he should, why would he care about his relationship with the man he was intending to kill?  I think you foreshadowed a little on the superstitious nature of the killer, but regardless this sentence seems odd to me.

He had challenged the man to the Sha'han in the middle dinner after all.

I think this should say, "in the middle OF dinner," right?

When you character has the internal dialog, you use italics to emphasis this, great work.  However, maybe add a ' in front of it and at the end.  For example

'He has torches lining his garden path for guests. Well, so much for this visit being a private one.'

The hard thing about only seeing one chapter of your work is that it leaves us questions that cannot be answered unless we see the next chapter.  What I was wondering about was, why did the Jurada say:

and in return I'll tell you my name...”

?  You didn't elude to his name being a mystery until this sentence.  Maybe you could let the reader know somehow that his name was a mystery?  Of course, it's probably all in chapter 2.  Anyway, great story and it has a lot of potential.  I like how it starts and I enjoyed how we came into the story already in conflict.  Got me hooked!   

[Silk]

M: Actually, his name is never mentioned. He's always just referred to as "the Jarada". So, while I didn't guess that we didn't know his name, it made sense to me after finding out.

By the way, when it comes to leaving this chapter in or out, I wouldn't consider just what peoples' reactions are to it - but why is it there? Obviously, we're critiquing the prologue based entirely on its own merits, since we haven't seen the rest of it and can't vouch for the effect of the prologue on the whole piece. But yeah, consider what you want to tell us with the prologue. A lot of people have problems with prologues in general because they have a tendency to be superfluous.  So, consider what you're trying to achieve and how well it does, as well as just our "like it/don't like it" comments based on what we see.

My thoughts:

I was a bit confused at first as to whether the duel was for real. Dahael says something about hoping this doesn’t come between them in the future, which suggests he thinks they’ll both be around to see said future,  but those two were definitely trying to kill each other. (On the other hand, this seems to be answered about three pages later…)

You have a lot of “he did this, doing that” sentence constructions (example: “Vales fell to the floor on his back looking at Dahael”). Fine occasionally but I think it’s nice to vary the structure of your sentences. Switching it up a bit might also give you the ability to use some shorter senences, which is good for action scenes I think.

Speaking of action scenes, well, I’m never quite sure about starting a story with an action scene like that. Some people say it’s good to get thrown right into the conflict, but when it’s physical and direct conflict like that readers have no idea who to root for or why we should care. This one was brief enough that I don’t think it’s a huge hump, but it seemed worth mentioning.

I’m very interested so far in the world and the culture that you’re building – and that’s really all I have for you, I think. Sorry my comments are a bit minimal, but the story seems only just begun.

[Dangerbutton]

First off, I really liked the culture you have built here. The superstitions, formalities, names, etc. I liked it.
At times, however, I felt that things were a bit rushed. While I'm not a fan of lengthy transitions from one scene to the next, I think you could have put a little more into yours. For example, he went directly from killing Vales to getting the bars out of the box. For a moment, I wasn't even sure that Vales was dead, because you jumped right from the stabbing to the box thing. I don't think it would hurt to say a little more about Vales' death.
Overall, though, I liked what I read.
I also liked all the names... They had a nice ring to 'em

[Flo_the_G]

Unlike Raethe, I'm all in favour of starting with action. When in doubt root for the viewpoint character... and hope for explosions.

“I don't want this to come between us in the future.”
That did make the duel seem to be of the non-lethal kind, at first, and the death of one of the duelants is somewhat unexpected. Maybe you could stretch the fighting a bit more, insert a few more wounds to clarify the general situation. Defeating a master assassin with a thrown pot is maybe a bit easy, and he seems to give up readily once the knife is in his ribs...

As to the names, those really have a nice ring to them. When the Jurada was first mentioned I'd have liked a (short) description of what that actually is, however. Up to that point all the unknown words were fine, when I read "Jurada" I thought that it was getting a bit much, especially as it's repeated a few times afterwards. It isn't exactly confusing, but it's not optimal either.

The story itself is intriguing, I'd very much like to find out if the guardian spirit part is only superstition or, well, not.
As a prologue I think it works, it might work even better if you shortened the actual elapsed time. Maybe have Dahael sit in the Jurada's house waiting for him to show up and insert the action as a flashback or something like that. In any case, I think you should keep it.

[Necroben]

I like the cultural aspect as well.  It has a different feel than what I'm used too, but you pull it off nicely.

I could be wrong but it seems that the whole..."I hope this doesn't come between us"...is a foreshadowing of the spirit (connection) thing or somethin'.  That was the impression I got anyway, if this is the wrong one you may want to reconsider that sentence.

What got me was the exchange with the Jurada at the end.

The man's eyes went wide for a second then he smiled noticing... “What?!” the Jurada demanded, ...

If he smiled, then why was he demanding a moment later?  Is this in character?  Is he someone with radical mood swings?  It was just something that threw me out of the story a bit.

But good job over-all.  I'm really looking forward to reading more of your work.

[wcarter4]

I might have to tweak that sentence slightly. He should be surprised to see the Shardith since Dahael wouldn't have the right to carry them before killing Vales. More than anything though, he is supposed to be interested in exactly how Dahael beat the man.
You're right about the foreshadowing dang it all.

[Necroben]

You're right about the foreshadowing dang it all.

It's something that I'm struggling with myself.  Either its too ambiguous or its right out in the open.  I'm tyring to find that middle ground.

[Manyang]

Since I'm running 'slightly' behind on commenting I'll keep it really brief till I catch up.

I liked the story and had no major hangups. Whether to put it in or not is up to you, and as Raethe said is impossible for us to tell at this point.
Also I wouldn't worry too much about the foreshadowing being obvious, I only gave it a casual read and wasn't bothered by it standing out.

[maxonennis]

I’m back after a long Christmas break—actually I’m back from Christmas break, and a few weeks with no computer (it crashed and I had to buy a new one). I see I have about a million submissions to look through, so I’ll be brief.

I really enjoyed this story…perhaps I enjoy violence too much, but anyway. This was a really fast-pasted chapter; I feel it many have been too fast. I still know nothing about who Dahael is as a person.

Also, I know that this is supposed to be a warrior society, and thus the grim outlook on death, but I think the snide comments while Dahael was burying Vale was a bit much. I would tend to think it would be the opposite with Dahael holding a dead warrior in reverie rather than giving tongue and cheek remarks about his death, especially when the man died fighting someone of lower rank at their request—from what I understand Vale had nothing to gain from this, and everything to lose. I’ll be back soon with a critique (if it this can even be called one) for chapter one.

[jwdenzel]

*applauds*   Great opening.  I liked this prologue a lot.

You started with action, which is always cool.  The first fight reminded me in some ways of KILL BILL -- the characters were talking casually before and during... and then go to slaughter each other.

Vales came to the edge of the woods and saw that he was right-- two rows of metal rods with oil burning in dishes at the top provided light for any wishing to visit.

I think you meant Dahael, not Vales.

My main feedback for you here is that I have no idea what genre this book is!  By the time I finished reading the prologue, I got the sense that it's a modern day fantasy.  But is it modern day?  Looking back over it, I don't see anything that implies electricity or modern convenience.  The kettle... the book shelf ... the torches outside the home ... it could just as easily be a medieval fantasy now that I think on it.   You don't need to answer me directly.  Just consider being more clear in the narrative what we're dealing with.

The fight was good.  Actually, it could stand to be a bit longer.  Consider making it several times harder for Dahael to win. I get the impression that Vales is very powerful.  Actually -- you told us that directly.  Instead of telling us, have him kick Dahael around a lot more. 

The dialogue throughout was only ... "Eh"... IMO.  Consider doing a "dialogue pass" sometime to spice things up.

The second half of the prologue was less interesting and engaging.  I got the sense that you teased us a little TOO much with all the fancy names and terminology.  (I have a similar challenge in my writing... somebody commented that I tease too much as well!)

Last thing:  I've said this to others here in this group.  In my experience, a prologue is the promise a writer makes to the reader for the rest of the book (or series even).  It's an overall hint of the tone of the entire body of work.  You've got a good start here.  It's just food for thought.